


forever and ever

by shes_cured



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - School, Best Friends, Coming of Age, F/F, Growing Up Together, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Protective Kara Danvers, Slow Burn Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, supercorp as kids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2019-10-03 21:46:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 81,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17292020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shes_cured/pseuds/shes_cured
Summary: Lena was just four years old when she met Kara for the first time. She had no idea what one forced bus ride would turn into.//follow supercorp from kindergarten through high school in the coming of age fic no one asked for.





	1. kindergarten

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't gonna post this considering I haven't finished plenty of other fics but I figured if I'm not updating beautiful but broken bc I can't stop writing this I might as well post it so y'all have something, so here u go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting the first three chapters all at once, so have fun

It was kindergarten when they'd met. Lena was four but tested in as ‘gifted’ from her Luthor upbringing, while Kara was five and carefree as ever. They had sat next to each other that first day and Kara was so excited that it was frightening. She rambled on about all the things she'd seen her big sister do that she’d been waiting her whole life to experience – ‘ _Did you ride the big yellow bus here? Wasn't it fun? I can't wait to do that every day, it was so cool!’_

She went on and on to anyone that would listen about all the things they’d be going through soon, and she did it so fearlessly, with a smile on her face all the while, even though everything she said sounded terrifying to the girl who sad beside her everyday. In fact, it was almost baffling how excited someone could be over new things - not to mention how _friendly_ someone could be. Kara wasn’t afraid to talk to anyone and in return everyone seemed to be drawn towards her. There wasn’t anyone who disliked Kara Danvers.

Honestly, even Lena, who almost never said a word, loved listening to Kara ramble on and on. They rarely spoke directly, but Lena liked hearing about it all from afar. It was incredible to her that someone her own age was capable of being that confident and sure of herself and bubbly. It was captivating and intimidating, all at the same time.

Because Lena was the total opposite. Even at four, she was reserved and quiet and all-around timid. She followed the etiquette she was raised to have and never spoke out of turn. Despite knowing the answer to every question that was asked, she never so much as raised her hand, because it was all just so scary to her.

To Lena, school was a terrifying concept. None of the other kids seemed to think so, but it was. It really was. And it wasn’t due to a lack of intelligence - Lena was more than intelligent enough to succeed - but socially she was so far behind. Everyone else made friends so easily while she had no idea where to start. She’d had private tutoring in elementary subjects since she could remember, but no one had ever taught her how to talk to kids her own age.

So, most of the time she sat back, silently observing and trying to learn by watching what others did, hoping it would somehow rub off on her. And it did work to an extent. She quickly noticed the social strategies everyone else was implementing, but by the time she caught on it was November and she was too shy to participate.

It was when she was forced to ride the bus that she first _really_ spoke to Kara. Both her parents were out of town and the nanny had to bring Lex to some conference for extraordinary scholars, so she was left to use public transportation for the morning. Lillian wasn’t exactly thrilled that her daughter was riding a school bus, and for once Lena completely understood, because riding a bus was yet another nerve-wracking first for her.

That ’ _big yellow bus’_ Kara spoke so highly of that first day of school was not fun, nor was was it cool. It was just horrifying. Even years later, she'd remember stepping onto the high steps and walking on to see the long row of seats with all the kids staring at the newcomer. She felt so small and unprepared - not to mention physically nauseous from exposure.

She stood still at the front for a moment, looking for an empty seat when she finally heard a, “You can sit with me if you want.”

She to where the voice had came from and saw Kara sitting on the third bench in. Lena actually smiled at the familiar face. She was still timid and scared, but at least she found someone who wasn’t a stranger. It was that same girl she sat next to every day in class.

“Thank you,” she murmured.

Kara looked self-satisfied at the gratitude and gave a firm nod. “You're welcome. Why are you on the bus today?”

“My parents couldn't drive me,” Lena shrugged, not fully understanding the explanation she was given at four years old.

They sat in silence and Lena’s heart pounded. She wanted to make friends and knew this was a good place to start, but it was still all so scary.

“This isn't as cool as you made it seem,” she eventually blurted out, her face immediately heating up at the proclamation.

Kara looked over at her, clearly surprised that Lena had said anything to begin with, then she smiled and tilted her head with exasperated confusion. For the first time, Lena saw that even at 8 a.m., her bursting energy was present.

“What do you mean!?” She exclaimed. “It’s _so_ cool! Look at all the people, and all the seats, and all the big windows! It’s like an extra big limo! And you can feel literally _every_ bump you go over!”

Lena looked away with a shy smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear with a matter-of-fact, “You and I have very different ideas of cool, Kara.”

Kara shrugged as if that didn't matter at all. “Maybe. But buses are cool. End of story.”

Lena had no idea what that short conversation would bloom into and if someone had told her she wouldn’t have believed them. Looking back, she’d find it baffling what could grow from someone saying how uncool school buses were. But her and Kara did.

 

 

xx

 

 

That day at lunch, Lena moved to sit on her usual corner of their class’ table, but before she could her name was being called from behind.

“Lena!” Kara was chasing her down. “Hey! Come sit with me and Winn!”

Lena looked behind her to see a scrawny boy who looked just as intimidated by Lena as Lena was of him. They stared at each other for a moment, and Lena tried to find a way to bashfully decline, but for the first time she saw how adamant Kara Danvers got when she wanted something.

“C’mon! You _have_ to!” Kara begged.

And even at four years old, Lena couldn't find a way to say no to those pretty blue puppy dog eyes. She felt she had no option but to agree. “Okay. If I have to, I will.”

Kara lit up as she took Lena’s hand to drag her with them to an opening in the middle of the long table.

Winn’s whining was quiet and probably meant for Lena not to hear, but she heard it nonetheless. “No one likes her, Kara. Why do we have to sit with her?”

“Because,” Kara humphed. “She's my new friend.”

And the explanation sounded so simple coming from Kara’s mouth, but it was something that was so monumental to Lena. No one had ever called her their friend before.

Lena stared at her with awe, but Kara was as oblivious to her amazement as ever. It was like she’d said nothing out of the ordinary.

That was how Lena had found her first friend.

 

 

xx

 

 

“Hey, Mom?” Lena asked as she shuffled her food around her plate two nights later. She'd been dreading asking the question she wanted to ask, but she also wanted what she wanted so badly. “You know how I rode the bus a couple days ago?”

“Sit up straight, dear,” her mom ordered, before continuing to prod. “What's wrong? Did something happen there?”

“No, I just… It was fun.” She thought back to Kara – to her _friend_. “I was wondering if I could do it every day.”

“You want to ride a school bus every day?” Her mother double-checked with shock. When Lena nodded in confirmation, her mom grew even more wary. “ _Why_ would you want that?”

“I don't know,” she shrugged in response, raking through her mind for an adequate answer while her brother silently analyzed her from across the table. “I liked the kids. They were nice.”

“I don’t think–”

“We’ll think about it,” her dad interrupted the tone of disdain her mother had momentarily emitted. “We’re glad you had a good time.”

“Lionel,” her mother hissed.

“Lillian,” her dad mimicked with finality. “We’ll discuss it.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena sat on the stairs that night, listening to her parents argue about their decision with raised voices. The way they spoke would make someone think the desire to ride a school bus was promiscuous and dangerous - and Lena had thought it was until two days ago. But now, she wanted to go back.

“She's a _Luthor,_ Lionel. She is not riding a _school_ _bus_. We pay our drivers how much, exactly? Why would we agree to let her ride public transit?”

“Because she wants it,” her dad softly murmured. “Lil, she never asks for anything.”

“And when she does it's this…” her mom muttered in disbelief. “Typical for her. Just typical.”

“She's our _daughter_ ,” Lionel reminded her of a fact that often felt forgotten to even the eavesdropping four-year-old. “The least we can do is allow bus rides.”

There was silence and Lena held her breath, then let out an excited smile when her mom finally gave in with a, “Fine. But I want it noted that I don't agree.”

“It's noted,” her dad calmly stated as Lena crept back up the stairs, ready to jump with joy from the triumph.

When she passed her brother’s room, he called to stop her and Lena looked in to see him hunched over a textbook, but his curiosity was focused solely on her. “Why do you wanna do the whole bus thing? It kinda sucks.”

“Oh. I don't know,” she felt herself stumble around the brother who before had seemed to always understand her. “I just liked it.”

He stared a second longer, then shrugged it off with mild confusion. “Well… have fun, then, I guess.”

“Thanks,” Lena gave a grin that was wider than it should've been, considering she’d blatantly heard the way he didn’t agree with her decision. “I definitely will.”

 

 

xx

 

 

When she stepped on the bus, Kara's excitement made overcoming her fear of asking questions so worth it.

“Lena!” She exclaimed, as her whole face lit up. “You're here again!”

“I am,” she grinned, holding the backpack that looked way too big for her tiny frame closer to her body. “Can I sit here again?”

“You can always sit next to me,” Kara promised. “You're gonna be my new best friend.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena didn't say anything to that very large claim at first, but after a while the curiosity ate her alive and she had to confront it.

“Hey,” she mentioned as Kara took another bite of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich at lunch time. When blue eyes met hers, Lena tilted her head to the side with the most innocent curiosity. “Why do you want me to be your new best friend?”

“What do you mean?” Kara asked as if the question was mind-boggling. “You're _Lena,_ Lena! You're the _coolest_ person I know!”

And Lena couldn't find it in her to argue how untrue that was, so she decided to let Kara believe that while it lasted. She loved her company too much to bring up how inadequate she was and how Kara would eventually see that. Lena didn't know the first thing about being a friend to anyone, never mind the bright and bubbly girl beside her, so she knew she was destined to fail at it and disappoint her.

“Well, I think _you're_ the coolest person.” Lena took a casual bite of her own lunch. “I'm glad we're new best friends.”

 

 

xx

 

 

The first time Lillian Luthor heard of Kara was that spring when Lena got an invite to her birthday party. It was three Saturdays away, and when she brought the invitation home Lena had to hide her excitement from being invited to a _party_. Not a fancy dinner, not to one of the Luthor galas, but a _real_ party with actual kids her own age.

Her mother looked over colorful invitation with raised eyebrows full of scrutiny. “Who's Kara?”

“She's my best friend,” Lena told her. For an alibi she brought up, “I talk about her with dad a lot. He knows!”

“Of course he does,” her mom mumbled, analyzing the card as if she was trying to find something that would warrant a ’no’. “What's her last name?”

“Oh – I – I never asked,” Lena stuttered. She should've asked. Not knowing would probably make her mom say ‘no’. “I can! I can ask her tomorrow!”

Instead of answering, she was reprimanded. “Don't stutter. You're too old for that.”

Lena bowed her head in apology, then looked up with a small glimmer of hope. “But can I go?”

Her mom looked apologetic, yet lacked any form of sorrow in her voice as she explained, “I'm sorry. I just don't know this girl and I don't want anything bad to happen to you. You're a Luthor, after all.”

And Lena had yet to understand what that meant, but with tearful eyes she nodded nonetheless.

“Maybe next time,” her mom offered.

Lena just nodded her head again, because if she spoke she would cry and the last thing she needed was a lecture about how, ’ _You're four now, Lena. Enough of these baby tears.’_

So, she trudged back upstairs without a word, holding everything inside until she reached her bed. She had yet to discover what being a Luthor meant, but she decided that if that was the reason why she couldn't go to Kara’s party she didn't like being one one bit. Not even a smidge.

 

 

xx

 

 

“My mom said to give her your mom’s number,” Kara told her as soon as she took her seat on the bus the day after Lena declined her invitation. “She said she wants to introduce herself and try to convince her to let you come to my party.”

Lena somberly looked away, shaking her head. Kara didn’t understand at all. “She won't be convinced. Trust me.”

“Oh,” Kara frowned. But a few seconds later, her face brightened up again with a new idea. “Well, what if she talked to your dad? He's nice, right?”

“Well… Huh,” Lena pondered the idea. “Yeah… Yeah, that might work.”

“Cool,” Kara grinned. “Do you have his phone number with you?”

“No, it’s memorized.”

Kara looked at her with confusion and a lack of understanding. “What does memorized mean?”

“That I know it in my head without looking.”

Lena didn't expect the casual explanation to get such an awed response, but Kara looked at her as if she were from another planet. “You can _remember_ it? All of the numbers together? In the right order and everything?”

“Yeah,” Lena shrugged. Then she felt her insecurities creep in. “Wait, why? Is that weird?”

“No.” Kara looked her over with such a warm smile that it made Lena believe her. When she received that smile, she felt at ease again. “You're just so smart. It's so, so cool.”

And Lena had long ago learned that ’cool’ was Kara's favorite adjective, but to this day, every time it was used to describe her she tingled all over.

Lena felt her face warm up, but still didn't know what that meant, so she just ignored the sensation altogether. “Good. I don't wanna be weird, you know?”

“You're not,” Kara promised. “Seriously. You're the coolest person I know.”

 

 

xx

 

 

The next night, Lena came home to her parents sitting tensely in the living room, far apart from each other on the couch. When she walked in the door, her dad called her into the room with a fond smile and she stood in the doorway until he patted the space next to him. She moved over to hop on the couch between them before scooting closer to her dad.

“I hear you were invited to a party,” he sing-songed. “That's really exciting, huh?”

Lena smiled a little until she remembered she couldn't go. That brought a frown to replace it as she looked down with a mumbled, “Yeah.”

“You didn't tell me that,” he tapped her knee for her to look up. When she did he seemed to be so genuinely happy for her. “Kara must really like being friends with you to invite you to her party.”

Lena lit up at that thought, a wide smile coming back out to play. “I love being her best friend, Dad.”

“I know,” he promised. “Kara’s mom called me, and your mother and I decided you should go. But is it okay if one of us stay to supervise? Just to make sure you're okay?”

Lena couldn’t believe her ears and immediately started laughing from being so happy, ecstatically nodding her head. She didn't care if there was supervision, she just wanted to see Kara - to go to her party. “Yes. Yes! If you stay, can I please go?”

“We think that's a great idea,” her dad wrapped his arms around her. “We’re so glad you've made such a great friend.”

“Kara is the _best_ ,” Lena raved. She turned to her mom who still looked displeased, then begged her believe the same thing. “She's the best, Mom.”

“I'm sure,” her mom dismissed her. “Unfortunately, I won't get to meet her yet. Your dad is going to be the one to take you.”

That news was icing on the cake. Not only would she get to see Kara and go to her party, but she'd get to bring her dad. “That's okay!”

“I’m sure.” Her mom gave a small smile, then made dismayed eye contact with her dad. “If you’ll excuse me, I better go make sure Bri is finishing up dinner okay.”

“Lillian–”

“It's fine, Lionel,” her mother declared as she left the room. “You've always made the calls with her, right?”

Lena watched her mom storm out of the room, then turned to her dad with fear. “Is she mad at me?”

“No, honey,” her dad sounded beyond disappointed, but it didn't seem to be with her, which made things feel a little bit better. “You're perfect. She just needs time to be angry. That’s unfortunately how she’s sometimes. But she loves you very much.”

Lena bit her lip, looking towards the doorway her mom had stormed out of a few seconds prior. “Are you sure she loves me?”

“Very much,” her dad promised.

Lena had yet to feel that.

 

 

xx

 

 

“My dad said I could go!” Lena exclaimed when she got on the bus the next day. “He said your mom called him!”

“I know! I can't wait!” Kara shared her excitement. “I wanted you to be there so bad! Now my party can be perfect.”

“ _Perfect_?“ Lena was taken aback. “Because of me?”

Kara wasn't old enough to recognize the surprise written across Lena’s face. “Of course, because of you! You're my best friend, right?”

Lena simply smiled along. That was beginning to sound so meant to be. “Right. I am.”

“Exactly,” Kara proclaimed. Then, she casually added, “I really hope we're friends forever, Lena.”

Lena just stared as Kara looked out the window. The idea of being friends forever didn’t seem to phase her at all. The concept seemed totally normal for Kara. Meanwhile, Lena had never fathomed someone would want to stay in her life forever.

Finally, in a daze, she regained the ability to pronounce, “Me too. Best friends. Forever and ever.”

“And ever,” Kara emphasized, looking to her with the brightest smile. “No matter what.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena was overwhelmed by how many people were gathered in Kara's backyard. Half of their class was there, plus Kara’s sister, plus her cousin, not to mention all of the parents that were huddled on the deck. She felt out of place and scared. This was all so new to her.

And it didn't take long for Kara to see that.

“You seem sad,” she picked up on Lena’s discomfort, pulling her aside so it was just the two of them. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” Lena made an attempt not to make a big deal out of it. This was her best friend’s party, after all. She was supposed to be happy.

But Kara just gave her a stern look and tried again. “What's wrong, Lena?”

“Nothing! It's just…” Lena straightened out her outfit with nervousness, then looked up at her best friend again to explain, “There's a lot of people here.”

“Oh,” Kara took the answer in.

And Lena knew someone as friendly as Kara couldn’t truly understand that anxiety, but she still seemed sympathetic. She looked at Lena and the desire to cure her worrying was clear as day in her eyes.

It took a minute for Kara to finally formulate an adequate response, but when she did it was simple and ever-so-confident, “You don’t need to worry about them. I'll never let anyone hurt you.”

And she wouldn't have believed it if anyone else said it, but since it was Kara, she believed it with all her heart. “You promise?”

“I'll protect you always,” Kara confirmed. “I _promise_.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Two weeks after the party, Lena’s dad softly tapped on her bedroom door. “Hey, Kiddo.” When Lena looked up he took a small step in. “I wanted to talk to you.”

Lena sat up straighter, setting her LeapFrog on the bed beside her as he came in further. “What is it?”

“Nothing bad,” he promised, sitting with her on the bed. He scooped her in his arms and ran a hand through her hair as he shared, “I just wanted to tell you how proud I am.” He wore a soft smile. “You're doing so good at school. And you seem so happy.”

“I am happy,” Lena delivered another wide smile. “I love school, Dad.”

“I know you do. And I’m glad,” her dad smiled back. “That’s all I've ever wanted for my little girl.”

Lena looked up at her dad. She was still timid, but also so, so confident now. Not to mention, proud. “I've even made friends!I have Winn and James – and Kara, of course.”

“Of course,” her dad smiled along in agreement. “And this is only the beginning, Lena.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Over the summer that year, Lena didn't see Kara. Her dad had arranged for them to have a play date once, but that was about it. Lena could tell her mom still didn't like the idea of them being friends, and she constantly insisted that she wanted Lena to focus more on her private instructions. She was adamant that piano and tennis lessons would get her much further in life than frolicking around with a six-year-old would.

But Lena didn't really like piano _or_ tennis. If she was being honest, she didn't like them at all. She’d much rather frolic around with Kara, and if it were up to her she would, but no one ever asked and her private lessons made her mom happy, so Lena went along with them without a word. She dreaded them, but at five years old, all she wanted was to make her mom proud, and participating in things she hated seemed like the only way to do so. She wanted her mom to be proud of her so badly - she’d do anything.

Sometimes, she was so desperate for her mom’s approval that she actually thought of ending her friendship with Kara. She thought of not riding the bus anymore and going back to letting her mom call all the shots in her life. She wondered if that would finally make her mom happy – if that would finally get her approval. But every time she thought of how much she missed Kara Danvers that summer, she dismissed that plan entirely. It was a very real possibility that her mother would never be pleased with her, but Kara…

When she thought of Kara, Lena always smiled. Kara made her so incredibly happy that she couldn’t leave her side, even if it would mean making her mom happy. She figured not asking to see her more than she did over summer break was enough of a sacrifice. She didn't have to end their whole friendship.

But still, even without seeing Kara, every afternoon as Lena sat at their piano, struggling to stretch her tiny fingers far enough to reach the right keys, Lena thought of her best friend. She thought of how much better her summer would be if they could see each other. She sighed at the thought of how long it'd been.

Just three more days until they were reunited, though. She'd focus on that.

 

 

xx

 

 

“Are you still doing your stupid bus thing this year or are you gonna ride with me and Shaina” Lex asked as they sat across from each other playing chess. “She's the best nanny we've had, you know?”

Lena just smiled at him. They'd grown closer this summer considering they’d been forced to spend it all together, but sometimes it still felt like they were on totally different wavelengths. “I'm riding the bus again, Lex.”

Her brother laughed at the answer, shaking his head with amusement. “I still don't understand why you like it so much.”

“I like making friends,” Lena shrugged. “It's nice bonding with people my own age.”

Her brother still didn't seem to understand. “It's nice, but why don't you just do that in a classroom?”

Lena shrugged. It was frustrating, because she didn't have the words to explain it to him. She knew he had a point and she could just bond with Kara when they were at school together, but those bus rides were fun. They listened to music together on Lena's MP3 player and laughed at all the other kids who thought they were so cool for doing the dumbest things. They pointed out cool clouds to each other and took turns getting the window seat. In the mornings Kara would tell her funny stories, and in the afternoons Lena would help her with her math homework. It was bonding they wouldn’t have if Lena didn’t ride the bus – times of bonding that she cherished.

“I could, I guess,” she mumbled, not bothering to put any of those thoughts into words. Instead, she summed it up with, “I just prefer the bus.”

“Okay. As long as you like it,” Lex gave in with a soft smile. “I'll miss you in the car, though.”

Lena nodded a little. She was too excited to be back on that yellow bus to miss the car rides she used to share with her brother, but she reciprocated the sentiment nonetheless. “I'll miss you too.”

She really couldn't wait for school to start again, though. Three days until she saw her best friend on that bus again. Just three more long days.


	2. first grade

When she finally got to walk on the yellow school bus again, she found Kara seated further back than last year with a spot saved for Lena beside her. Lena laughed when she saw her stretching her neck to see if she had gotten on. When they met eyes, her entire face brightened in that way Lena loved. It was crazy how when Kara was happy every part of her being lit up – from her shining smile to her exuberant, all-around giddiness.

“Lena!” she exclaimed. “Oh my god! I missed you _so_ much!”

Lena sat down, placing her backpack on her lap and looking at Kara with a fondness she’d never had for anyone else before. Except maybe her dad. But even so, this fondness felt different than her fondness for him. “I missed you too, Kara.”

She felt thin arms wrap around her body and was thrown off for a second, then relaxed into the way Kara’s arms felt when they were holding her close. She couldn’t remember if Kara had ever hugged her before, so she figured she must not have, because there was no way she would’ve been able to forget what this kind of warmth felt like.

“I’m so glad you rode the bus,” Kara gushed.

“I pinky swore I would before summer,” Lena reminded her. “You can’t go back on a pinky swear, right?”

“Right,” Kara nodded to confirm what was a very serious matter at five and six years old. “A pinky swear is like… what did you call it again?”

“Call what?”

“When adults sign papers together to agree on something official,” Kara recited the definition Lena had given.

She thought over what Kara was talking about, then remembered their conversation from the very first time Kara taught her what a pinky promise was. “Oh! A contract?”

That was what pinky promises reminded Lena of at once, but Kara had never heard the term before so Lena had had to explain it. Sometimes she forgot what a business-like family she came from until she had those moments with Kara when their different upbringings were so clearly apparent.

“Yes!” Kara exclaimed. “Contracts still sound so boring. People should just pinky swear their way through life. I think it would make the world a much better place.”

Lena laughed at the idea, knowing it would never work, but nodding along nonetheless with a carefree feeling in her chest that Kara always managed to bring out. “I absolutely agree.”

 

 

xx

 

 

“Lena, Kara,” their first grade teacher called out to them later that day, bringing them out of the hushed conversation they’d gotten into in the middle of class. “Focus on your listening skills. Eyes and ears up front, please.”

Kara looked at Lena to see what she was going to do, and when Lena nodded with a, “Sorry,” they both turned their attention forward and made a silent agreement to talk more at lunch.

 

 

xx

 

 

“How’s your first week of school been?” Lena’s dad asked her and Lex at their weekly Friday dinner.

Lena looked to her brother to answer first, but he just shrugged and mumbled a simple, “Same old, same old.”

Her parents looked to her next, and she wanted to rant for days about how great it was to be back, but her brother’s boredom made her decide to hold that in. Maybe she should be that reserved too. Maybe that was what being a Luthor was. She was still trying to figure that whole concept out.

“It’s fine,” she imitated his shrug.

Everyone seemed pleased with that response and her mom didn’t criticize anything about it, so Lena mentally jotted it down to her long mental list of appropriate standards to try and follow. _Being a Luthor means being reserved. Got it._

Prior to that dinner, she’d also realized it meant being serious, striving for nothing short of perfection and constantly being unhappy with her results. Even if she felt like she was the best, she had to keep trying to be better. Being a Luthor meant being unsatisfied.

She didn’t realize how detrimental all those messages would be later on. At the time it felt so normal. It didn’t seem problematic when she was a mere five-year-old. For now, though, she still felt okay.

 

 

Xx

 

 

“Lena!” Kara exclaimed when she walked on the bus one early-October day. “What are you gonna be for Halloween?”

“Oh,” Lena frowned at the question. She knew most kids got costumes for the holiday, but her family never had. They’d always seen it as silly and a waste of time. “I don’t usually dress up.”

“ _What_? Why not? It’s so fun!” Kara gawked. “How do you go trick-or-treating if you never dress up?”

“Uh,” Lena stumbled. She’d never felt like she was missing out on anything until she saw Kara get so excited over it. “I’ve never gone trick-or-treating.”

“ _Seriously_?” Kara looked like she was ready to lose her mind. “Never? Don’t you want all that candy?”

Lena laughed at her exasperation. Even a year after they’d met, Lena had never quite gotten around to explaining to Kara exactly how different their families were. She had long ago understood how opposite their upbringings were, but Kara didn’t seem to be as observant and Lena didn’t have the heart to tell her how cold her household could feel.

“My family just doesn’t really do that stuff,” she tried to brush it away.

Kara looked dejected at the explanation as her shoulders sunk in. She perked up again a few seconds later, though, asking so hopefully, “Would you ever want to?”

Lena thought it over. She never had the desire to dress up in a stupid costume and beg an entire neighborhood for candy before then, but suddenly she wanted to partake in those childish activities. “Yeah. I guess I would.”

“Then you should dress up and come with me!” Kara became ecstatic just thinking about it. “I’ll ask my mom if you can! She always comes with me, so maybe your dad would say yes? You should definitely ask your dad this time – not your mom.”

Lena found herself smiling at that idea. That did sound like a really good Halloween, to be honest.

 

 

xx

 

 

Three weeks later, Lena was dressed up as Batwoman while Kara was walking beside her on the sidewalk in a Supergirl costume. They held pillow cases in their hands, which Lena had thought was crazy at first, but the more candy that got piled into it the more she understood why they took something so large. It was getting dark out and Kara’s mom was trailing a few steps behind them to each house they went to, standing back as they rang doorbells and excitedly exclaimed the infamous ‘ _trick-or-treat!’._

Lena found herself loving the way Kara’s smile always grew when she saw a house was handing out chocolate and the way she laughed whenever someone walked by with a really scary costume. Actually, Lena found herself loving everything about that night. By the end, she was wondering why she’d ever thought Halloween was stupid to begin with. This was one of the funnest nights she’d had in her whole life.

“Do you like Smarties?” Kara asked her as they sat in her living room after, their cheaply made costumes still on.

“I love Smarties,” Lena grinned. “Do you like Milk Duds?”

“I _love_ Milk Duds!” Kara had twice the enthusiasm of Lena. “Trade you?”

“Definitely,” Lena began collecting all of the small yellow boxes in her stash.

Later, Kara’s mom made them a frozen pizza and they sat at the table with a sugar high, giggling as they ate something nutritious for a change. The entire time Lena felt like she was in a dream.

“I’m so glad you came trick-or-treating with me,” Kara randomly proclaimed in the middle of their dinner. “This was the best Halloween ever.”

Lena let that compliment soak in, then spoke with an appreciation of her own. “I’m glad you let me come. Trick-or-treating _is_ pretty cool.”

They both chewed the food that was in their mouths and Lena looked over to Kara’s mom who was looking at her with a sad sort of smile. Lena didn’t register it as a pity smile at the time, but looking back she would. At five years old, she just saw a mom who really cared about Kara – the sort of mom she had always wanted in her own life.

“Thank you for letting me come over, Mrs. Danvers.”

“Of course, Lena,” she came over and gave her a hug that felt almost as comforting as Kara’s. “You’re welcome here any time.”

“ _Any_ time,” Kara emphasized after her mom. “All the time, if you want!”

Lena smiled at how loved she felt in that moment. She was trying her hardest to capture it to memory, because it was kind of rare for her. Usually, the only time she felt loved was in the moments where she was bonding with her dad, but even then, he worked a lot. He wasn't always around.

“I’m going to go check in on Alex,” Kara’s mom excused herself. But before she left, she turned back to them again. “Lena?” When the five-year-old turned to face Kara’s mom, she received the kindest of smiles. “Call me Eliza, dear.”

As Lena sat in shock, Kara exasperatedly whispered, “Oh my _god!_ She’s never told _any_ of my friends to call her Eliza before - or any of Alex’s!”

It was in that moment that Lena realized she could get used to feeling like she belonged somewhere. And she did when she was at Kara's, because everyone there seemed to want her. It was such a foreign feeling.

 

 

xx

 

 

A couple weeks later, Lena was scheduled to go over to Kara's house again to spend their day off of school together, and she found herself staying up late the night before to listen to her parents argue over it.

“Lionel, we don't even know this girl,” her mom was protesting against their play date. “How do we know she's not just using our daughter?”

“She's six!” Her dad exclaimed in disbelief. “No one cares where you come from when you're six.”

“Okay, well, what about her mom?” Lillian quizzed. “She could've set her daughter up to get close to her because she's a Luthor.”

“I've met her mom, Lil. It's not like that. Okay? And even if it was, Kara makes her happy. Doesn't that matter to you?”

“Of course it does, I'm not a _monster_ ,” her mother spat out at the accusation. “I want what's best for her just as much as you do. We just have different ideas of what that entails.”

“Let me invite Kara over here,” Lionel pled. “I want you to see how happy Lena gets when she's around.”

Those seemed to be the magic words, because suddenly her mom was all for Lena going over there. “I don't need to see them together. She can go over to her house tomorrow, fine, but Kara is _not_ coming over here, nor is her mother. I don’t trust either of them.”

“That's not fair.”

“Hey. I let you have your way,” her mom sharply reminded him. “It might not have been your ideal, but I still said Lena could see her. You won.”

But to Lena, as she sat there eavesdropping well past her bedtime, it didn't feel like a win at all. She wished her mom would understand. Lena didn’t know how to make that happen, but all she ever wanted was for her mom to understand how happy having Kara as her best friend made her. Yet she was beginning to wonder if her mom would ever really get that – or, if she did one day, if she'd even care.

 

 

xx

 

 

“What are you doing for Christmas?” Kara asked a month later as they ate their lunches in the cafeteria.

Lena shrugged, trying to make her life sound normal. “I’m going to Paris. How about you?”

Kara didn’t even flinch at the revelation. “I think I’m just spending it at home. I’m so excited for Santa to come!”

“Santa isn’t–“ Lena cut herself off as she remembered who she was talking to. She stopped what she was saying and corrected herself for Kara’s sake. “I know. I love Santa.”

“Me too,” Kara didn’t notice the slip up. “Where’s Paris?”

“It’s in France.”

“Where’s France?”

Lena just smiled at how innocent Kara truly was. It was refreshing to be so close to someone who didn’t know the vastness of the world. Lena figured not knowing the vastness was what made Kara so carefree. She envied that quality a lot.

As a Luthor, Lena loved being knowledgable about the world, but she was beginning to realize that her knowledge came at quite the cost. She had long ago figured out that knowledge was what made people lose their innocence, and sometimes she would do anything to be as innocent as the girl beside her.

“Paris is a different country. Across the Atlantic Ocean.”

That made Kara’s eyes widen with excitement. “You’re going to another _country_? That’s so cool!”

“I go out of the country two or three times a year at least,” Lena shrugged it off. She glanced to Kara, then back at the wrap her family’s chef had packed in her lunch. She tried to sound nonchalant as she admitted, “I’d rather spend the holiday at home. Or with someone like you or your family.”

Kara tilted her head, suddenly seeming concerned. “You don’t like your family?”

“I do!” Lena protested.

But only because she felt like she had to like her family. They were her family. And they took care of her. It wasn’t like she was abused or anything. They just… they weren’t anything like Kara’s family. Her house wasn’t warm, nor had she ever had a frozen pizza in her entire life before she went over for Halloween. She didn't even know they existed.

When all four Luthors were together, they didn’t laugh much. They didn’t eat junk food together or have the game nights Kara always talked about having. The older she got, the more robotic her family seemed, and the more she wanted one like Kara’s.

“My family is good. They’re just weird sometimes,” Lena tried to explain. “But I do like them.”

“Oh. Good,” Kara frowned, trying to understand. “Why are they weird sometimes?”

“I don’t know,” Lena shrugged. She regretted ever bringing it up. She should’ve continued to let Kara envy her, because she hated being the ungrateful rich kid more than anything. “They’re just really serious all the time.”

Kara nodded, then sat in a deep silence for a while as she visibly thought that information over. When it was processed, she decided, “I don’t think I’d like that.”

“It’s not all bad,” Lena clarified. “It’s just very different from yours.”

“Yeah,” Kara nodded. “Your dad seems nice, though.”

“My dad is,” Lena agreed. “He’s the best. I love him so much.”

“Alex is a daddy’s girl too,” Kara noted with a smile. “I get along with my mom more.”

Lena opened her mouth to comment on her own mother, but she realized she didn’t really know what she wanted to say. She was so desperate to have a good relationship with her, that she wanted to hold in the fact that she didn’t, because it made their reality seem less real. Maybe if she kept quiet about it, things with her mom would change.

“My mom is alright,” Lena settled on her answer. “I’m just like Alex, I guess. I love my dad.”

“Yeah, he’s cool,” Kara smiled. She looked around the cafeteria, then at the clock, then back at Lena. “What time is it?”

Lena looked up, reading, “11:54.”

“So, how many minutes until recess?”

“Six.”

Kara looked at her in awe, as if Lena were a magician. It made her feel on top of the world. “I don’t know how you’re so smart. You know, like, _everything_.”

That made Lena appreciate knowledge again. If Kara liked it, so would she. “I can teach you too.”

“I’d love you forever,” Kara gushed. “I hope you do.”

 

 

xx

 

 

In February, everyone exchanged Valentine’s Day cards. Each person got one from everyone in the class, most of them pre-packaged cardstock that kids had signed their names on. But Lena stopped when she saw one that was unlike the others. It was a piece of red construction paper cut out in the shape of a heart and folded in half. She opened it to see Kara’s messy handwriting accompanied by misspelled words that made her smile.

_Lena!_

_Happy Valentine Day!! Thank you four being my best frend. I luv you!_

_Kara_

She looked up after reading it to see Kara reading her own collection of cards at the desk beside her. Lena nudged her to get her attention, and when they met eyes she held up the red heart. “Thank you. I love you too.”

And even at six, Kara had a way of looking at her as if she’d created the sun. “You really are my best friend, Lena.”

“Yeah,” Lena hummed. “You really are mine too.”

“Forever?” Kara double checked.

Lena nodded, confirming it confidently and wholeheartedly. “And ever.”

She honestly couldn’t picture her future without Kara being there alongside her anymore. It seemed like maybe they were a package deal now. Lena certainly hoped so.

 

 

xx

 

 

“Can I ask you a question?” Kara mentioned as they rode home from school one day.

Lena turned to her, tilting her head with genuine curiosity as her full attention settled on Kara. “Of course. What is it?”

“You have an older brother, right?”

Lena nodded, honestly surprised Kara even remembered that. She didn’t talk about him much. “Yeah. Lex. Why?”

“Do you get along with him?” Kara asked. “Like, does he like you?”

“I guess so,” Lena shrugged. She had never really thought about it. “We talk about school and stuff together. And during the summer we practice tennis or help each other out on the piano.”

“You play the piano?” Kara's eyes widened in surprise. “Woah. _That's_ cool.”

“I'm not that good,” she lied, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Lex is way better.”

“Yeah. Lex,” Kara furrowed her eyebrows. “How do I make Alex do that? How do I make her spend time with me? She doesn’t really like me lately.”

And Lena couldn’t even begin to hide her surprise at the newfound knowledge. Because who in their right mind wouldn't like Kara? “ _Really_?”

“I don’t think so,” she looked distraught and dejected. “She never wants to hang out anymore. And now whenever she invites her friends over she tells me to go away.”

Lena didn't know what to say or how to make her feel better. She didn't know why Alex was like that, because she loved hanging out with Kara. Lena would invite her anywhere. “That really sucks.”

“Yeah,” Kara sighed. “I just want her to like me again. My parents say it's just a part of getting older, but I miss her a lot. Like, a _lot_. I want her to miss me too.”

“Well, even if it is a part of getting older, it still sucks,” Lena declared. There was silence, then she added, “Whatever happened to make it that way, it's not because of you. I always want to hang out with you. You're the best person I know.”

Kara's face lit up and a wide smile appeared as she turned to Lena with bliss. “You mean it?”

“I do,” Lena promised. She put a comforting hand on Kara's shoulder, hoping that the gesture of affection was an appropriate thing to do. “You're always welcome in my life, Kara. You're my favorite person.”

Kara smiled at that and Lena noticed her cheeks go red. She watched her glance out the window, then look back at her as if she’d created the sun again. “You're my favorite person too.”

 

 

xx

 

 

“Hey, Dad?” Lena nervously approached him one night.

He tore his attention away from his laptop to give her a soft smile and pat the space next to him, welcoming her to sit with him. “What's up, sweetie?”

Lena took him up on his invitation, going closer and sitting beside him on the couch. Once again, she was scared to ask for his permission to do something, but she really wanted to do it.

“Kara was wondering if I could go home with her after school to sleepover on Friday.”

“Huh. Your first sleepover…” her dad mused as he considered it. “Is that something you want to do?”

“It's something I _really_ want to do, yeah,” Lena told him. “It sounds really fun.”

Her dad nodded, wrapping a reassuring arm around her to promise, “I'll talk to your mom, but I don't see why not.”

“Oh,” Lena fumbled, fiddling with her fingers as she stared at her lap. That was what she had been afraid of. “Well… Do you _have_ to ask her?”

“She's your mom, honey,” he reminded her. “I have to run it by her.”

Lena sighed, not liking that answer at all. “She's going to say no.”

“You don't know that.”

“I do. She hates Kara,” Lena sadly proclaimed. “She isn't going to want me to go.”

“She doesn't _hate_ Kara,” her dad tried to defend her. “She just worries about you.”

Lena kept quiet, but eventually murmured, “She doesn't have to worry about Kara. She's my friend.”

“I know.”

“My _best_ friend,” Lena emphasized.

Her dad gave her a reassuring smile, wrapping a tight arm around her. “I know. I like her.”

Lena just didn't understand. “Then why doesn't Mom?”

“She's–” her dad shrugged, seemingly at a loss himself. “She's overprotective.”

“I don't like that,” Lena declared. She looked down, then hesitantly added, “Kara's not going to hurt me. I don't need protection from her. I know it.”

“Me too,” her dad admitted. He squeezed his arm tighter around her and for a moment she felt safe. “I'm working on it. Okay?”

Lena didn't like that solution, but she begrudgingly realized she'd have to accept it. “Okay.”

“She loves you,” he told her. “I know she doesn't always show it in ways you understand, but your mom does love you, Lena.”

But despite the promising tone, her dad telling her that was the first time Lena remembered consciously thinking someone was lying to her. Because it didn't feel like her mom loved her. Lena didn't feel loved by her mother at all, in fact. She just felt like a sore disappointment.

“Yeah,” she went along with the claim anyway. She looked around the room, then decided she didn't want to continue their conversation anymore. “I'm gonna go finish my homework now.”

“Okay,” her dad approved. “Good girl.”

She untangled their bodies, beginning to walk up the staircase again, somehow more somber than when she came down.

“And _I_ love you, Lena!” Her dad called after her. “Remember that too!”

She smiled. Now that one she could believe.

“I love you too, Dad.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Her and Kara didn't do anything out of the ordinary at their sleepover, but both of them were giddy from the excitement of their first time spending the night with a friend. Kara had never invited anyone over for a sleepover and Lena had certainly never gone to one. It was both of their first times.

They sat at the kitchen table, munching away from a plate of chocolate chip cookies Kara's mom had made and Lena kept quiet about how she'd _never_ be allowed this much junk food at her house. Earlier she had experienced the thrill of ordering a pizza, watching in amazement as the delivery man handed it to Kara's mom. She knew it was the same thing as the catering her parents got for galas, but seeing a delivery service bring one lone pizza blew her mind.

“I don't think I'm gonna be able to stay up late,” Kara murmured with wide, exhausted eyes at eight p.m.. “Alex and her friends stay up all night at sleepovers, but I'm too tired. I hope that doesn't make you mad.”

Lena wasn't tired at all, feeling wide awake from the excitement of experiencing all these new things, but she nodded along to make Kara feel better. “I'm tired too.”

“Good,” Kara let out a breath of relief. “Maybe when we’re as old as Alex we can stay up really late.”

The idea of being friends that long was wild for Lena to even think about. Until Kara, it never felt like she'd be wanted in anyone's life that long.

“We will,” Lena eventually assured her. “We're still just kids. She's almost a grown up.”

“That's true. Eleven is really old.”

“Yeah. We’ll stay up late when we're eleven too,” Lena promised, grabbing another cookie and taking a bite. “Thank you for letting me sleepover, though.”

“Are you kidding? I wanted you to! This is the coolest. I'm glad my first sleepover was with you,” Kara beamed. “I want all my first times to be with you.”

Lena grinned at that, watching Kara take another cookie, despite the fact that she was visibly fighting off sleep. “I want all my first times to be with you too.”

“Then let's promise to do that,” Kara told her with grave seriousness. She held out her pinky. “Every first time we have, we’ll include each other.”

Lena reached forward, linking their pinkies together to swear on it. “Deal.”

“Good,” Kara hummed, taking another bite and speaking with her mouth full. “That makes me really happy.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena sat at another Luthor family dinner, listening to Lex talk about how excited he was for school to be over and for their summer to begin. He raved about how much he was looking forward to their private tutoring and went on and on about all the things he wanted to learn this summer. He spoke of tennis matches he’d challenge Lena to and all the science experiments he wanted to build, all-the-while seeming so happy to have three months full of no school.

That same thing made Lena unbearably sad. She remembered last summer, and she did like getting to spend so much time with her brother, but she missed her friends. She missed Kara. She wasn't looking forward to another three months without her.

“Are you excited for school to be over, Lena?” her dad tried to include her in their conversation.

She looked up to stare at him for a moment, then went back to moving the food around on her plate. “I'll miss my friends.”

“You can see them over summer,” her dad offered.

Her mom quickly admonished the idea. “Lionel…”

“If you think you'll want to hangout with someone, ask for their phone number. You can call them, and maybe we can schedule you a play date,” her dad ignored her mom’s warning.

Lena pursed her lips, then looked up at her mom who looked beyond displeased at the suggestion. Lena didn't want to start a fight, so she tried to hold in her excitement. “That sounds nice. Thank you.”

“She has Lex,” her mom sharply reminded her dad from across the table. “She has a brother she can play with.”

“Yes, and she will,” her dad agreed. “But she's allowed to have friends outside her family.”

“I never said she wasn't, I just said–”

“We’ll talk about this later,” her dad cut her mom off, pointedly glancing at a worried Lena. “Let's enjoy our dinner and _family_ time right now, Lil.”

Her mom’s lips formed a thin line as her nostrils flared, but she put on a forced smile despite it. “Of course, dear. Anything you say.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena heard her parents arguing that night, and this time instead of listening she put headphones into her MP3 player and turned the music all the way up. She didn't want to hear her mom talk bad about Kara anymore. It made her too sad.

 

 

xx

 

 

It was their last day of school when Lena finally grew the guts to ask Kara if she could have her phone number. She had been meaning to for the past week since the idea had been brought up, but every time she tried she got nervous and didn't want to. But during that bus ride, Lena realized if she wanted to talk to Kara in the next three months she _had_ to.

“Hey,” she blurted out as they went over a big bump. Kara turned to her with a thrilled smile, and they stared at each other as the words got stuck in Lena’s throat, until, “Can I have your phone number?” She finally forced it out. “You know – so I can maybe call you over the summer?”

“You want my – yes! _Yes_ ,” Kara exclaimed as she erratically shuffled through her backpack for the piece of paper with the ten digits written down. “That's genius! I'll give you my house’s phone number right now!”

“Cool,” Lena smiled, clearly happy with herself as she pulled out her notebook and a pencil. “I want to talk to you over the summer.”

“I want that too! Summers without your best friend _suck_ ,” Kara emphasized. “Do you think your mom will let come over this year?”

“I'm not sure. I'll ask, though,” Lena promised. She copied the number Kara was showing her into her notebook, then wrote hers down for Kara and gave it to her. “You can call me too.”

“Wow,” Kara looked down at the number with excitement. “I've never had anyone but my parent’s phone number.”

“Well, now you do,” Lena grinned. The bus pulled up to Kara's stop and they both frowned for a moment knowing this might be goodbye for three months, then Lena pulled it together with a, “Call me.”

“I will,” Kara proclaimed as she stood up. “You call me too!”

“I will,” Lena reciprocated as she walked away. “See you soon.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Kara called no later than six o’ clock that very night. Lena was in the midst of another family dinner when their newest maid came in clutching the phone to her chest and softly clearing her throat.

“There’s a call for Ms. Luthor.”

Lena's mom looked up with annoyance, but before she could get out a word the maid clarified, “Ms. _Lena_ Luthor.”

Lena instantly felt her heart speed up, because that could only mean one thing, but before she could get too excited her mom was snapping with annoyance, “ _What_? Who is it?”

“Her name is either Kiera or Kara. I couldn’t tell. She talks really fast, Miss.”

Lena’s smile only doubled at the nervously added information, because _, yup. It was definitely Kara_.

“Well, we’re eating dinner right now. Tell her Lena will call back later,” Lillian ordered through gritted teeth. When the maid was gone, her mom turned to her dad, furious as ever. “And _why_ does Kara have the number to the _Luthor_ estate?”

Her dad glanced at Lena, then back at her mom with a plea to drop the subject. “Kara's a kid. It's okay if she has it.”

“She shouldn't be giving out our number.”

“It's her house too, she's allowed to have people call her here,” her dad argued as her and Lex exchanged timid glances across the table. “Even Luthors need friends, Lillian.”

“Lex has never given out our phone number.”

Lena looked up to see her brother looking proud, but his face fell when their dad pointed out, “Lex has never had a friend like Kara.”

There was an eerie silence as that truth settled in. After a few moments, Lex scooted his chair backwards. “I'd like to be excused.”

“Of course, honey,” their mom coaxed. When he was out of the room, she turned to Lena’s dad with pointedness. “See what you did? You made him feel terrible.”

“Don't get me started on this, Lillian,” Lena watched her dad scowl. “You don't want to go into the subject of making our kids feel terrible, because I can hammer you for _days_ about how terrible you make one of them feel.”

It only took a few seconds of being in the middle of her parents’ stare down for Lena to excuse herself too. “I'll be upstairs.”

It was silent as she walked out of the room, but the arguing she heard once she was upstairs was unmistakeable. Her mom was defensively yelling while her dad was calmly seething and Lena didn't like thinking she caused that one bit.

So, she put in her headphones and tuned it out, instead thinking about how she'd be talking to Kara soon. That made her happy again.

 

 

xx

 

 

Three weeks later, as Lena hung up the phone one night, her brother pulled her aside with an icy glare and even icier tone, seething about how, “You're tearing mom and dad apart.”

The words made Lena freeze at first, then when they were processed they made tears come to her eyes, because she never meant to be the cause of her parents fights or her brothers anger, yet she didn’t know how to stop.

“I'm not doing it on purpose, Lex.”

Her brother sighed, rubbing his hand over his buzzcut with frustration and agitated confusion. He still didn’t understand. He didn't understand her situation with Kara and Lena was beginning to wonder if he even understood her.

“Why do you feel the need to be friends with her so badly?” her brother interrogated. “You know how mom feels.”

Lena stayed silent. She knew, but she didn't really care anymore. She had feelings too.

“Mom doesn't like her and you know it. So, just drop her so we can all be happy again.”

And that idea caught Lena off guard for a multitude of reasons, but then she found herself feeling outright perturbed by the claim. “We wouldn't all be happy. _I_ wouldn't be happy if she wasn't my friend anymore.”

“You'd move on,” her brother dismissed. “You can find other friends, Lee. Don't you want your mom to be happy?”

“Doesn't she want _me_ to be happy?” Lena defiantly challenged him for the first time in their lives. The idea of dropping Kara in order to satisfy her mom rubbed her the wrong way, because even if she dropped Kara, Lillian Luthor would still be unhappy with something else. She'd find a new source of disappointment. “She doesn't approve of anything I do. Getting rid of Kara wouldn't fix that.”

Lex crossed his arms in disagreement. “That's not true.”

“It is.”

“She loves us,” he protested.

Lena felt her lips purse together as she tried to hold in her tears enough to proclaim, “She loves _you_ , Lex. She loves her golden boy.” She wiped at her eyes as she candidly narrated, “She's never loved me, though. Not a day in my life.”

“That's–”

“The truth,” Lena stood up straighter, with more confidence than she'd had in her life. At six years old, one of the only things she was truly confident on was the fact that there was nothing she could do to make her mom care for her. “Kara is one of the only things that make me happy – _really_ happy. I know you don't get it, but she–”

“You know what? Forget it,” Lex sneered, lifting his hands in surrender. Lena didn't know what she said wrong until he spat out, “It's a low blow bringing up how I don't have any friends.”

“That's not what I meant! I was just saying–”

“What you were saying is crystal clear,” her brother began walking away. “If she makes you so happy she can be your big brother.”

And Lena had so much to say, but it was all trapped inside, so she just watched him walk away. He’d never understand anyway, even if she did try to explain. She wouldn't waste her breath.

 

 

xx

 

 

Later that summer, she had only been on the phone with Kara for a couple minutes before she heard a small, concerned, “Why do you sound so sad?”

Their calls had become less frequent as the summer went on, as Lena’s mom kept her busy with tennis, and advanced reading, and piano, and then Spanish and French lessons as well. And Lena was grateful for it all. She knew she was probably one of the only six-year-olds in the world who had such immense opportunities presented to her, but at the same time she found herself wanting to be a kid.

She wanted to be like Kara, more specifically. She wanted to play with chalk and go to the community pool with her family – not her nanny, her _family_. She wanted to go to a firework show on the Fourth of July and to experience a barbecue with actual hot dogs. She had the urge to learn how to ride a bike – maybe a scooter too! She wanted to do so much that she felt she was missing out on all of the sudden.

“Lena?” Kara pulled her out of her thoughts.

She took a deep breath, sighing out, “I'm here.”

“What's wrong?” Kara asked again.

But she wouldn't understand. Kara, who envied that Lena knew how to do things like play the piano and thought it was _so, so cool_ that she was learning basic sentences in Spanish, would never understand why Lena hated it. Kara thought her life was incredible, so who was she to complain about it?

“It's nothing,” she opted for. She'd explain another time. “I just miss school.”

“Oh… yeah,” Kara murmured. It was silent for a minute until she brought up, “We’re going back soon!”

“Yeah,” Lena forced out a happier tone for Kara's sake. “I can't wait.”

“Me either!” Kara exclaimed. She was the one who was brave enough to expand, “I can't wait to see you there.”

“You too, Kara,” Lena happily sighed. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Kara chimed. She was quiet for a second, then added, “I hope you get happier until then, though. I always want you to be happy.”

“You too,” Lena promised with an actual smile for once. “Always.”

“Thanks!”

“You're welcome.” Lena bit her lip. Her voice was shy when she confessed, “You really are my favorite person. I'm sorry I couldn't see you this summer.”

“Me too. I really wanted you to come over,” she could hear Kara's frown. Then, with simplicity, it was added, “But it's okay that you couldn't. You're still my favorite person too. At least I got to talk to you.”

Lena felt her stomach do somersaults again, her face heating up for what felt like the billionth time. It always did that around Kara for some reason.

“Thank you for being my best friend,” Lena proclaimed.

“Thank _me_?” Kara laughed. “Thank you for letting me! You're seriously, like, way too cool for me. Even Alex thinks so.”

Lena just smiled. That was so far from the truth, but she'd bask in the compliment regardless. Only a few more weeks until summer was over. She'd make it. She was ninety-nine percent sure she'd make it. It just felt so far away.


	3. second grade

When she got on the bus the first day of school, Kara's head was peaking over the rows of seats and she started outright laughing when she saw her. When Lena got to the seat she'd saved, Kara threw her arms around her, her body still shaking with laughter.

“I missed you so much!”

The warm greeting threw Lena off for a moment, because it was a foreign idea that anyone could be _that_ happy to see her. Over the summer she had become so used to feeling like an inconvenience that she'd forgotten how it felt to be cherished.

When she pulled herself together, she found herself hugging Kara back with the widest smile. “I missed you too.”

“Can you believe we're in _second_ grade?” Kara gawked. “That's _so_ cool.”

“It is,” Lena grinned.

She was going into second grade with Kara by her side. It really was so cool.

 

 

xx

 

 

They were on the playground mid-September when Winn had a conversation with Lena alone for the first time. Before then, Kara had always been there with them, but while Kara and Lucy were going down slides, he came and sat next to Lena on the swings.

Lena didn't know what to say to him, so she said nothing. She kept swaying on her swing, reading the book in her hands, but it turned out she could only avoid talking for so long. When Winn had something to say, he always got it out eventually.

“Hey,” he awkwardly broke the silence. “What's up?”

“Hi…” she trailed off unsurely, glancing up from her book, then returning to it seconds later.

Winn didn't seem to like her when Kara was around, so she wasn't sure why he was suddenly approaching her alone. Whenever it was the three of them he acted as if Lena was a nuisance, always getting in the way. What he could possibly want now was beyond her.

“Why aren't you playing with Kara?” he asked.

Lena looked up at him again, then across the playground to Kara and shrugged. “She's with Lucy and I'm reading my book.”

“Don't you want to play too?”

Lena furrowed her eyebrows, wondering how to explain to someone that she never learned how to play. At least, not when it involved screaming and running around. She was brought up to be poised, not playful.

“I'm okay. I really like my books.”

“Yeah, Kara told me that too,” he nodded. “She said you're the smartest person she knows and that's why you always want to read during recess.”

“Oh,” Lena was thrown off by the compliment and felt her cheeks heat up again. “Well, that's nice.”

“You guys are best friends, right?” Winn asked.

Lena looked him over, wondering if that was a question or a challenge before letting it go. “"Yeah. Why?”

“No reason,” he shrugged. “She just must be a pretty cool best friend. You're really lucky.”

Lena looked across the playground to see Kara running around, her ponytail swinging through the air and glasses slightly sliding down her nose.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “I’m very lucky.”

“Yeah. But can I tell you a secret?” he asked.

Lena turned to him with surprise. Why would he want to tell her anything? “A secret?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged it off like it was no big deal. “About Kara.”

“Oh. Uh,” she stumbled. Did she want to know a secret about Kara that Kara didn't tell her? That felt wrong. Still, she always wanted to know everything about Kara, so she agreed. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Well,” she watched Winn bashfully look away. “I kind of have a crush on her.”

Lena frowned. _Crush_. She didn't know that word yet and that was highly embarrassing, because she seemed to know all the words before everyone else did. But _crush_ was something she hadn't come across yet. Not even in her books. But she'd never admit that to Winn, so she based her reaction off his social cues.

She spoke with surprise, hoping that was the right emotion to have upon hearing such news. “Oh. Wow, really?”

“Yeah,” he grinned. “Do you think she has a crush on me too?”

Lena felt herself clam up, because how could she know if Kara had a crush on him when she didn't even know what the word meant?

“I have no idea.”

“Has she ever mentioned crushing on anyone?”

Lena shrugged. That one was easy. “Not to me, no.”

“Well, if she hasn't to you, she hasn't to anyone,” Winn defeatedly sighed.

Something about that statement made Lena feel on top of the world. It made her feel extraordinarily special, in a way that was inexplicable and didn't make any sense to her. The thought of being the person that Kara told the most to was the biggest honor, and Lena felt more pride over that than she did over any good grade or trophy she had ever received in life.

Winn hopped off his swing, shrugging his shoulders and offering, “Thanks anyway, Lena. Let me know if that changes. And can we not tell Kara?”

“It's your secret to tell,” Lena mumbled, returning back to her book.

But now she was too distracted to read, because how could she not know a word that Winn knew? She was the smartest person in their entire grade and knew everything that other people didn't. How could she not know the word crush? And how would she figure out its definition?

She blankly stared at the words on the page. She suddenly felt behind in life, and that hadn't been a problem for her since her first few months of kindergarten as she tried to learn how to socialize. She certainly didn't like it.

 

 

xx

 

 

She was on the bus with Kara again when not knowing the answer finally made her go mad. She could ask Kara what things meant without feeling stupid. She didn't like admitting that she didn't know things, but she knew Kara would never judge her for it. She'd never laugh at her or think differently. Kara was safe. She always had been.

“Hey, Kar,” Lena used the recently acquired nickname for the girl beside her, giving her a small nudge. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” she shrugged.

Lena frowned from _needing_ to ask, but she asked it anyway. She had to. “What does crush mean?”

“Crush?” Kara repeated. “Like, having a crush on someone?”

“Yeah,” Lena sighed. “I heard it from someone today and don't know it.”

“It means you _like_ like someone and you'd want them to be your boyfriend or girlfriend one day,” Kara explained. “Why? Does someone have a crush on you?”

“No, not on me,” she shook her head. “I just heard it around.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Lena took a deep breath. She wasn't so sure she wanted to know, but she still asked. “Do you have a crush on anyone?”

And asking the question shouldn't have made her so nervous – she knew that, even at six. She had no idea why it did. It shouldn't matter to her if Kara had a crush or not. Yet, for some reason, it seemed to.

“Me?” Kara laughed at the idea. “No. Boys are weird.”

“Agreed,” Lena let out a deep breath of relief. “I can't ever picture myself dating one.”

“I can one day, but not any time soon,” Kara explained. She tilted her head to the side, though. “You never see yourself wanting to date anyone, though? Not ever?”

Lena stumbled all of the sudden, because when Kara put it like that it made her sound weird.She wanted to date someone someday, but in second grade all boys did was made her cringe. But for the first tome, she felt like Kara might not understand her if she was truthful, so she pretended that wasn't the case.

“I mean, maybe _one day_ , but not now. Boys are stupid,” Lena offered. “All they do is yell and play video games and hit each other.”

“Boys _are_ stupid,” Kara simply agreed. “Let’s promise each other never to date one until they're more grown up.”

Considering Lena didn't see herself ever dating one, that was easy. “I promise.”

“Pinky swear?” Kara held out her pinky.

Lena linked them for the hundredth tome, solidly confirming, “Pinky swear.”

But now, it made her nervous feeling like she'd never want to date anyone. It made her feel out of place and weird. She wanted to fall in love, but boys didn't make her feel anything out of the ordinary towards them.

She wondered what that'd be like, though – what having a crush would feel like. She thought of how she felt for Kara, her best friend, and was mind blown, because she didn't foresee herself ever loving a boy the way she did Kara. She thought about how a love greater than that was possible and couldn't even picture it. Why would anyone need to date anyone when they had such a good best friend?

She didn't understand.

 

 

xx

 

 

A month and a half later was Halloween and Lena once again went over to Kara's, but this time so did Lucy and that made it all feel a little less special. Lena didn't mind Lucy – she loved her, in fact – but she missed the quality time with Kara. She missed it being just the two of them, trading candy and eating frozen pizza.

Granted, the three of them still had fun, but it wasn’t the same. It was _fun_ , but it wasn't thrilling, and the year before had been absolutely thrilling. Kara felt further from her now. Their friendship felt less marvelous. Maybe they were just ordinary best friends after all.

 

 

xx

 

 

When Lena got back from spending the night of Halloween with Kara, her disappointment must have been visible, because her brother immediately had a mocking remark for it. “Dressing up in a costume wasn’t as fun as you thought it'd be?”

She looked at him with dismay, not even bothering to address his condescending tone. “Leave me alone.”

“Wait, Lena!” Her brother called after with a newfound worry. “Lee!” He chased her into her bedroom. “C’mon, what’s wrong?”

“I-” she cut herself off from exploding in her answer, because what exactly was she exploding over anyway? That another girl was invited to Kara’s? Even at six years old, Lena knew there was no reason to be upset over something like that. Kara could have more than one friend, that was allowed. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Tell me,” her brother coaxed. “Let me help you.”

“You can’t help.”

“I can try.”

Lena looked up at his earnest tone, her eyes softening upon seeing his concern. Lately her and Lex had been fighting so much that it felt like he wouldn’t care if she were dead, never mind just a little blue. She didn’t expect him to show concern when she was sad any more. Maybe the old Lex would’ve, but not the Lex that was her brother nowadays.

“Lee,” he pled. “What’s wrong? Why are you upset?”

She stared at him morosely, trying to decide what to say and if she should even say it. She was upset, but she was upset over things that Lex would never understand. Like, “Sometimes I just get _so_ mad that Kara’s so popular.”

That clearly wasn’t the answer her brother was expecting and his face shifted into confusion before he placed on a mask of Luthor-perfected neutrality. “Oh…” He frowned as he processed it. “Well, you can be popular too. You can be _more_ popular than her if you want to be.”

“What? No!” Lena shook her head at how off base he was. That was the _last_ thing she hoped would happen. “I don’t want to be more popular at all. I want Kara to be _less_ popular.”

Her brother became even more confused, unable to begin pretending to put those puzzle pieces together. “Why?”

“Because, I–” she cut herself off yet again. That was a great question. Why? Why did she want Kara to have less friends? That made her sound terrible. “I – I don’t know. I just… When it’s just the two of us together, it feels like we’re the only two people on the whole planet – like the world is in our hands and we can do anything we set our minds to. But then, when there’s a third person… I don’t know… I guess then it feels like we’re a lot less powerful than I thought.”

“I see,” Lex dragged out, clearly unable to ‘see’ anything at all. “Well, just because she has other friends doesn’t mean she likes them as much as you.”

Lena thought that over and realized that was true. And it made her feel the slightest bit better. It made her feel better enough to clarify, at least.

“I want her to have lots of friends, because she deserves lots of friends,” she murmured with a small smile. “But I also love having alone time with her, just me and her.”

“You'll get alone time again soon,” he promised, wrapping a comforting arm around her. “Today was just Halloween. You see her alone all the time.”

“Yeah,” Lena sighed. She looked up at him with hopefulness. “You think I'll get it again soon, though?”

“If you called and asked her to come over, she'd say let you,” Lex reminded her. “She cares about you just as much as you care about her.”

Lena smiled at that, then timidly looked up at her older brother. Maybe this was a new leaf. “Since when do you defend Kara?”

“Dad knocked some sense into me,” Lex fondly smiled back. “I still don't like what she's done to our family, but I like seeing my little sister happy.”

“Thanks,” Lena grinned. It was nice to finally feel accepted by him again. “I like being happy.”

“And she does,” her brother firmly acknowledged. “Kara… She does make you happy. Anyone can see that much.”

Lena thought about the skinny little girl with the shining smile and glasses that always slid down her nose. The thought of her brought an immediate smile to Lena’s face and this warmth of love to her chest. God, Kara made her _so_ happy. It was unbelievable, actually. Lena couldn’t picture her life without Kara by her side. And honestly, she didn’t really want to try.

 

 

xx

 

 

Sure enough, as Lex tried to reassure her of, she got alone time with Kara quite soon. They had Veteran’s Day off of school and Lena’s mom shockingly allowed her to spend it with her best friend, ’ _As long as you go over there. I don’t want her in this house yet.’_

And somehow, although it’d upset almost anyone else for their mom to be so disproving of their best friend, Lena found herself beaming at the standoffish comment, because for once, her mom said _yet_. She didn’t want Kara in their house _yet_ , which meant maybe one day she would be. That was more promising than it ever had been before.

When their latest nanny – her name was Shannon and she was proving to be quite nice so far – dropped her off, Lena smiled as she saw Kara anxiously watching for her from the living room window. When the car pulled up, the blonde hair disappeared, only for the front door to whip open and Kara to come running out so fast that she was there before Lena got out of the car.

“You _came_!” Kara exclaimed, bouncing up and down with excitement.

Lena wore a soft smile, stepping out of the SUV and brushing her hair behind her ear. “Of course I did. I said I would.”

“I know, but… I know your mom doesn’t like you hanging out with friends,” Kara fumbled over her words. “I was worried she’d change her mind.”

Lena laughed at the explanation, giving a small shrug and agreeing, “I was a little worried too.”

“C’mon!” Kara grabbed her hand, tugging her into the house as her mom stood at the door and waved goodbye to Shannon. “I want to show you something!”

As Lena let Kara lead her through house, she glanced down at their intertwined hands, thinking of how at home she suddenly felt. Her heartbeat became faster as she thought about how affectionate this was. Other than her parents or nannies, no one had ever held her hand. Not even Lex. To be honest, it was rare her parents did. And even when they did, Lena never felt so much love behind it.

Kara ended up showing her a hand-me-down CD player from Alex that Lena smiled over. Kara showed her how it worked and Lena didn’t have the heart to tell Kara she’d had one of those since she was four, so she let her show off all of the CDs, pretending this was new and exciting to her too.

“It’s kind of like that music player you have on the bus sometimes, but different,” Kara explained, as if Lena had no idea. “I’ve seen them around before, and even played with Alex’s, but I’ve never had my own. _And_ Alex said you can even make your own CDs! They’re called mix tapes, I guess. She said friends make them for each other to listen to, so I’m going to make you one.”

“Me?” Lena asked, for the first time genuinely surprised by something in this display of a CD player.

“Of course,” Kara shrugged matter-of-factly. “You’re my best friend. And mix tapes sound so cool, so I want you to have one. Will you be able to put it on your MP3 player if I make it?”

Lena smiled at the idea, but still didn’t mention she could just listen to it on her own CD player. She’d let Kara have her moment. “I can. I’ll listen to it every day.”

“Cool. I'll ask Alex how to make them,” Kara grinned. She moved to sit down on her twin-sized bed and crossed her legs, once again looking to Lena as if she’d created the sun. “God, I’m so glad you’re here. I missed you a lot.”

“You missed me?” Lena asked confused. She wore a grin and felt her face heat up again, but she tried to play it cool. “You see me every day at school.”

“I know,” Kara nodded, hesitantly trying to explain, “but it’s not the same as you being here. I like spending time with it being just you and me. Even at Halloween, I love Lucy – she’s my second best friend – but she’s not you. And even though you were there, I missed the just me and you time.”

Lena found herself with the biggest smile at finding out her feelings were mutual. “Our alone time together is the greatest.”

“The _greatest_ ,” Kara repeated her for emphasis. “I wish we were sisters or something so that you could live with me.”

Lena finally found herself moving to sit on the bed beside her, slouching her shoulders and proclaiming, “Me too. I’d love to spend every day with you.”

“Yeah,” Kara disappointedly sighed. “Maybe some day, though. Like, have you ever seen those movies where best friends live together when they’re grown ups? Maybe that’ll be us.”

“I think it should be,” Lena decided. “That’d be a dream come true.”

“It’d be so cool,” Kara agreed. “Wanna promise to do live together one day?”

Lena didn’t even need to think it over. There was so much affection in her one word reply of, “Yeah.” She paused, then held out her pinky. “Pinky swear on it.”

“Pinky swear on living together one day?” Kara asked. When Lena nodded, she linked their pinkies together with a confident, “Pinky swear.”

When they let go, Lena met Kara’s eyes again. Even behind her glasses, they always looked so blue. “I never thought I’d have a friend like you.”

Kara stared at Lena for a moment, so much seeming to go through her mind before she murmured, “I never thought I’d have a friend like you either. You’re, like, truly the _coolest_ person I know.”

“Really?”

“Totally,” Kara confirmed.

Lena beamed at that, slouching her posture more and getting comfortable in the safety of the home that she wished was her own. “You’re the coolest person I know too, Kar.” Then, just for good measure, she added, “And you’re the coolest person I know by far. No one else even comes close.”

 

 

xx

 

 

On a class field trip that January, Kara’s mom was chaperoning and arranged for her and Lena to be in the same group, to both of their pleasures. Kara bounced up and down as they sat side-by-side on their second bus ride of the day, this time going to the zoo.

“What’s your favorite animal at the zoo?” Kara asked when they were halfway there.

Lena paused, unsure how to answer that because she’d never been to the zoo before. Honestly, she didn’t even know what animals the zoo had. She heard it had everything from lions to polar bears, but she also didn’t want to sound stupid if she said a tiger and tigers weren’t in zoos.

“I–” she cut herself off, pretending to think it over, then settling for, “I don’t know. I like all the animals.”

“Me too,” Kara gushed. “My favorite are the penguins though. They’re so cute! Alex likes the giraffes and my mom likes the dolphin show.”

“The dolphin show?” Lena asked, glancing at Kara’s mom who was seated across from them.

“Yeah,” Kara shrugged as if it were common knowledge. “She’s _obsessed_. Right, Mom?”

“Yes. I am,” Eliza laughed. She looked at Lena inquisitively for a moment before gently asking, “Have you ever been to the zoo, Lena?”

She hesitated, because she felt like _everyone_ had been the zoo before, but the truth was, she hadn’t. And she didn’t want to lie to Kara’s mom, but she still couldn’t help but look down with an odd sort of embarrassment as she told the truth. She’d been to half the countries in Europe, but going to things like the zoo, or waterpark, or county fairs was never part of her childhood.

“This is my first time,” she admitted.

“ _Really_?” Kara’s jaw dropped. But instead of making it a big deal or acting like Lena was weird, she only became more excited. “Oh my God! We’re gonna have so much fun! I’m gonna show you everything, you’ll think it’s so cool! I’ll show you the lions, and all the bears, and you’ll _love_ the dolphin show – maybe not as much as my mom, but it is pretty cool.”

And Lena still had no idea what a dolphin show was, but Kara’s excitement made her excited too, all of her embarrassment from before disappearing into thin air. “I can’t wait,” she proclaimed. “And the fact that my first time is with you will make it even better.”

“It will, because I’m gonna make it so much fun!” Kara told her. “I don’t care what the other kids in our group wanna do, I’m gonna make sure it’s all about you.”

“Kara,” her mom warned. “This is a _class_ trip. The other kids get a say too.”

“The other kids aren’t my best friend,” Lena saw Kara have an attitude for the first time. “I want to do what Lena wants to do. It’s her day.”

“No, it’s the _class’_ day,” her mom corrected. Kara crossed her arms to argue, but before she could Eliza was promising, “I’ll take you and Lena back another time. But remember that today is a class field trip. Okay? Everyone gets a say.”

Kara thought it over, then begrudgingly sighed and slumped in her seat. “Okay. But you promise you’ll take us back?”

“I promise,” her mom smiled at her daughter’s persistence and Lena couldn’t help but smile with her. “Now, cheer up. We’re almost there.”

 

 

xx

 

 

That day at the zoo was fun, but in February Kara’s mom took them back and _that day_ was even funner. They did whatever they wanted and Kara’s mom even paid for them to go on the Merry-Go-Round. They sat through the dolphin show for a second time and it was just as amazing to Lena as the first – she could see why Eliza loved it so much.

Kara spent extra time at the penguin exhibit and when she saw Lena smiling at the monkeys she demanded that they stay there for half an hour too. They saw the lions, and rhinos, and camels, and bears, then Eliza bought them all lunch despite Lena offering to pay for her own with the money her dad had given her that morning. No matter how many times she offered to pay, Eliza was adamant she spend it in the gift shop before they left.

And when Lena saw the gift shop, she couldn’t help but be grateful for that. It had stuffed animals and t-shirts and statues of zoo animals and snow globes – everything was there. Lena couldn’t help but look around in awe as Kara led them around, pointing out objects she thought were cool until Lena finally agreed on a snow globe with a monkey and sparkles inside to buy. Near the check-out she saw Kara looking at a rubber bracelet band that read _National City Zoo_ and decided to get matching ones for both of them with the last of her money. Kara chose pink while Lena chose blue, both of them wearing them as soon as they were paid for.

Lena couldn’t remember when she’d had a better day.

 

 

xx

 

 

That next Tuesday at school was a let down after the fun of their zoo trip. Lena felt antsy as all she wanted to do was go explore more of the world with Kara. She couldn’t focus on spelling and vocabulary lessons or counting by twos, fives and tens when she’d had so much fun with Kara the day before. She wished she could spend everyday doing things like running around the zoo with Kara Danvers. That would make her really happy.

 

 

xx

 

 

Over spring break, Kara called five times. Lena cherished every one. She couldn't wait to go back to school.

 

 

xx

 

 

After Easter, Kara came back with a Ziplock bag containing six rolls of Smarties candy that she offered to Lena with a wide smile.

“I got these in my Easter basket and remembered they're your favorite,” she explained.

Lena broke out into a wide smile. She had gotten a huge chocolate bunny and an iPod Nano in her basket, yet six rolls of Smarties seemed to beat that by far when they came from the girl beside her.

“Thank you, Kar,” she murmured, tucking a strand of black hair behind her ear. “You didn't have to do that.”

“I like making you happy,” Kara shrugged it off. “I'd give you all the Smarties in the world if I could, just because I know they'd make you smile.”

Lena felt herself grow warm yet again. She was certain of a lot of things in life and was the smartest kid in their grade by far, but she wasn't as certain of anything as much as she was certain that Kara was the best thing to ever walk the Earth.How could she not be?

Plus, she provided Smarties. Icing on the cake.

 

 

xx

 

 

As summer came closer and there were four days of school left, Lena spent their day off for Memorial Day with Kara. This time her mom didn't even put up a fuss and Lena felt like that was more progress than she could ask for. She still scowled when her and her dad walked out the front door, but at least she kept her comments to herself this time.

When she got to Kara's, blonde hair once again flew out the door and was at her car to hug her before she got out. Her dad got out of the car too, walking the two of them back to the house where Kara's mom stood at the front door. Kara and Lena moved to the living room, sitting on the couch as Kara immediately rambled on about a story and Lena eavesdropped on theIt parents.

“Thanks for letting her come over,” her dad murmured. “It means a lot to her when she gets to see Kara.”

“It means a lot to Kara too,” Kara's mom promised. “Lena’s a special girl. And they're really good together.”

“She is. I'm so glad Lena has her,” her dad fondly agreed. “Ever since they met… Knowing Kara’s changed her. It really has. She's so much happier now.”

And Lena didn't need to listen to any more of it, because she was. She was so much happier with Kara in her life. It felt like they were always destined to be best friends – their paths were always meant to intertwine. Because a life without Kara… that would be extremely sad to go through.

 

 

xx

 

 

That summer might've been the best of Lena’s life. It was filled with sleepovers and phone calls and for once it wasn't Kara-deprived. She went to see the firework show on the Fourth of July with Kara, Alex and their parents, then she tagged along to their family reunion in August. She met Kara's Aunt Astra, who she quickly learned to adore just as much as Kara did, and ate grilled hot dogs with the entire family, watching in awe as they laughed together and played backyard games. The entire experience was surreal and for once, Lena’s summer passed too fast.

One of their last days off school, they sat together outside watching lightning bugs float around the sky. Kara was looking at the stars while Lena looked everywhere, trying to take in every single thing about that moment. She wanted to remember the stars and the moon and the carefree feeling in her chest. And she wanted to remember Kara.

She wanted to remember the way Kara's eyes squinted behind her glasses in the dark, and the way the moonlight and shadows combined to fall on her to make her look like something holy. She wanted to remember how whimsically Kara looked at the night sky, as if it were her first time seeing such a sight, despite telling Lena multiple times that she sat out there almost every night with her dad. She wanted to remember the way their shoulders felt against each other, and she wanted to remember the way Kara felt like home.

“Lena?” Kara's voice broke through the night’s silence.

Lena stopped committing things to memory for a minute to inquisitively meet her gaze.

“You think we’ll always be friends, right?”

Kara sounded so worried about something that wasn’t even a question to her. “I thought we agreed we’d be friends forever and ever?”

“Yeah,” Kara looked down with a smile at the reassurance, but her relief was momentary as she peered back up with anxiety a few seconds later. “But you mean that?”

“I’ve always meant it,” Lena promised. “Haven’t you?”

“I have too, it’s just… You’re the prettiest, smartest, coolest girl in our class. You’re so smart that I bet you could do anything. And I’m just me.”

“But Kara,” Lena was too bewildered to even reply for a second. “The only thing I’ve ever wanted is just you. I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

Kara made eye contact for a moment before looking away with a bashful smile. “You think I’m a lot more special than I am.”

Lena paused to think over the words, then shook her head defiantly, speaking simply and honestly, the way kids do. “No. You’re just more special than you think you are. And I’ll spend our forever and ever trying to show you that.”

Kara scooted over and linked their arms together, leaning her body into Lena’s in a way that felt so natural. If it weren’t for her quickened heartbeat, Lena would’ve thought it was normal for them to be so close. She felt Kara snuggle closer to Lena, holding on tighter than ever. It almost seemed like she thought Lena might disappear if she loosened her grip, which was laughable. Lena wasn't going anywhere. Kara couldn't get rid of her if she tried.

“When I’m with you I feel specialer than ever,” Kara murmured. “You make me feel a way no one else ever has. You just… _get_ me.”

“You get me,” Lena reciprocated.

Kara happily sighed at the expression of mutual feelings. “Forever and ever?” She double checked.

Lena laughed a little, pulling Kara even closer to her to comfort them both. “Forever and ever and ever.”


	4. third grade

It was only two weeks into the school year when Kara came up to Lena in distress. She was walking away from Winn at recess and made a bee line to her best friend, which was unusual, because Kara usually let her read while everyone else played. Clearly something was really bothering her. But before Lena could ask what it was, Kara was telling her voluntarily.

“Winn just said he has a crush on me.”

“Oh,” Lena blinked a few times with shock, then went back to her book with a casual, “It’s about time he told you.”

She heard Kara shuffling beside her, then she put her hand over the page Lena was on to prevent her from continuing. She looked up and met those blue eyes, wincing when she saw accusatory pain in them.

“You knew he likes me?” she asked with betrayal.

Lena still didn't see the big deal and nonchalantly shrugged it off. “I didn't know he _still_ liked you. He told me almost a year ago.”

That made Kara frown even more, her eyes squinting with misunderstanding as she asked, “Then why didn't you tell me before?”

“I–” Lena uncharacteristically stumbled. She'd seen Kara upset before, but it had never been with her. This was new territory for them. “He asked me not to. He said it was a secret.”

“But it was about me,” Kara furrowed her eyebrows. “It was a secret about _me_.”

“I know,” Lena sighed. “But it just didn't feel right to tell you when he asked me not to.”

She omitted the part where she was scared she might like him back. Lena still couldn't figure out why, but the thought of Kara dating someone made her squirm. She wondered if that made her a bad friend.

“Lena,” Kara begged her to listen, sounding angry with her for the first time in their friendship. “ _I'm_ your best friend. Not him! We tell each other everything!”

“I – I'm sorry,” Lena stuttered with shock. “I didn't think it was a big deal. I didn't know–”

“It was a big deal,” Kara proclaimed. “It's a very big deal. What if I liked him back?”

“You said you didn't like anyone!” Lena tried to defend herself, raising her own voice with desperation. “If you liked him I would've told you.”

“You should've told me anyway,” Kara pursed her lips into a frown. “If I was really your best friend, you would've told me. _I_ would've told _you_.”

Lena looked to the wood-chips covering the ground, softly repeating “I _am_ your best friend, Kara. I promise.”

“Not anymore,” Kara hopped off the swing.

Lena watched her walk away with tears, yelling out, “What happened to forever and ever?”

“You ruined it,” Kara snipped back. “Find a new best friend. I'm making Lucy mine.”

Lena had never felt that kind of searing pain before.

 

 

xx

 

 

On the bus, Kara's backpack was sitting in Lena’s usual spot. She looked over to her (ex?) best friend to see her slouching with crossed arms, still looking furious with the world.

It took all of Lena’s courage to walk up to the seat they normally shared. “Can I still sit with you?”

Kara looked up and opened her mouth to clearly say – or possibly scream – how she couldn't, but when she met Lena’s scared eyes her entire expression softened. She fiddled with her glasses and her anger didn't leave, but she suddenly seemed to have a change of heart.

“Fine. But I'm not talking to you.”

“That's okay,” Lena murmured. But it didn't feel okay.

They sat in silence the entire ride home, both of their postures stiffly still. When they reached Kara's stop, Lena stood up to let her out of the seat, but before they fully parted, she made sure to emphasize, “You’re still my best friend. Even if I'm not yours anymore, you're always going to be mine.”

Kara made eye contact and for a minute Lena thought she was going to forgive her, but then she just shook her head and walked away, not even bothering to reply.

Lena sat back down when she was gone, scooting in towards the window and wiping away a few stray. She wouldn't cry here, but she had a feeling she'd be crying a lot later. Out of all the people in the world, she couldn't bear to lose Kara.

 

 

xx

 

 

At dinner, Lena shoved around the fettuccini on her plate, but didn't eat any. She wasn't hungry. In fact, the only thing she really wanted to do was curl up in bed until this was all over and Kara forgave her.

Halfway through dinner, her dad checked in on her, but she didn't say anything. She refused to talk about what was wrong with her mom there, because seeing her mom’s happiness from something that was so excruciating to go through might have been Lena’s tipping point. She couldn't do that to herself.

So, she just glumly told him how, “I'm not hungry,” and, “Can I be excused?”

Out of the corner of her eye, Lena saw her dad look at her mom and Lex, but neither of them had answers either.

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I just–” she cut herself off. “Can I please be excused?”

“Of course, honey,” her dad cooed. “I'll come check on you in a bit.”

She couldn't find it in her to reply or even say _thank you_ , so she just pushed out her chair and gave a small nod.

She wasn't sick, but she didn't feel okay at all. She wasn't sure if her dad would understand that explanation, though, and she wasn't sure she wanted to give him the chance to. She was embarrassed of being a bad best friend, and devastated because Kara was mad, and, most importantly, terrified because Kara might've just walked out of her life for good.

She crawled under her covers and let herself cry again. She didn't care if it was weak. So be it, then. She'd be weak. Besides, she was pretty sure she couldn't stop the tears from falling, even if she would've tried.

 

 

xx

 

 

Forty-five minutes later, when dinner was done and Lena had calmed down the slightest bit, there was a knock on her bedroom door. When she couldn't find it in her to answer, it creaked open and her dad’s head peeked into the room.

“Everything okay?” he asked.

Lena turned on her bed to face him, but she refused to untuck herself from the comfort of her covers. “I'm fine.”

“Can I come in?”

She shrugged, leaving the choice up to him. She didn't really want him to, but she also didn't have the heart to push him away. He was the only form of unconditional love she had left. And maybe Lex. She still wasn't sure how their relationship worked.

Her dad stepped in, moving to sit on the edge of the bed and resting a hand on her arm. “What's wrong, sweetie?”

“I don't want to talk about it,” she mumbled. “I'm fine, Dad.”

He stared at her for a minute, then mentioned, “You don't seem fine.”

“Well, I am,” she sputtered out with unintentional attitude. When she heard the venom in her tone she closed her eyes with apologetic regret, softly rephrasing it to, “I just need to be alone for a little while.”

Her dad analyzed her, clearly checking if she was really okay, so Lena looked away and stared into space. She couldn't bear to meet loving eyes without falling apart all over again.

“Alright,” he finally stood up to leave. “But I'm here if you need me. Okay?”

Lena swallowed a lump in her throat, nodding her head in acknowledgment.

“Okay,” he sighed. He stared at her a second longer, then ran a tender hand through her hair. “I love you, Lena. You know that, right?”

She took a deep breath to stop herself from crying again, quickly nodding in reassurance. “I know. I love you too, Dad.”

But she didn't feel as loved as when she exchanged those words with Kara. With her dad it felt different. It felt like he had to love her. Kara chose to. Or, she used to, at least. Lena wondered if she ever would again.

 

 

xx

 

 

Every bus ride was filled with tension, two silent girls sitting eerily still and barely breathing. But Lena couldn't bear to find another seat. That would make it all too real.

 

 

xx

 

 

Two weeks later, at recess on a mid-September day, Lucy came up to Lena and sat beside her on the curb. As she usually did, Lena ignored the bystander, but as usual, she didn't get away with it.

“I'm going to sit here until you ask me what I want,” Lucy told her matter-of-factly.

Lena looked up from her book to Kara's new best friend with disdain, not in any particular mood to talk with her about whatever it was she wanted. She'd rather talk to anyone else, actually. Talking to Lucy just made her remember everything she'd lost.

She couldn't bear to look at her for more than a second, so after their eyes met, she scanned the playground, noticing Kara subtly staring at them as she shot hoops with James and Winn.

“What do you want?” she asked, unable to stop herself from being snippy.

Lucy followed Lena’s gaze to Kara for a moment, then spoke, soft and pure. “Kara told me about your guys’ fight.”

“I figured,” Lena got out wryly. “You _are_ her new best friend, so…”

Lucy laughed at that, shaking her head as she nudged Lena to get her attention. “I'm _not_ her new best friend. Trust me.”

“She's made it quite clear you are.”

“Well, I'm not,” Lucy declared again. “Jess is my best friend. And you're still Kara's. Even if she is being dumb.”

Lena grimaced a little, looking away to confirm, “So, you think she's being dumb?”

“She's being _insane_ ,” Lucy went a step further. “All she talks about is how much she misses you. And all you do is stare at her because you miss her too. _And_ Winn is hardly special enough to cause all this in the first place, if you ask me. He's just a boy.”

Lena's lips formed into a thin line. “Does Kara like like him back?”

Lucy snorted, shaking her head. “No. Not at all. She's mad at him for it, actually.”

“What?” Lena scrunched her nose up in confusion. “Why?”

“Because his confession caused _this_ ,” she waved her hands through the air, making a vague gesture between Lena and Kara.

Lena smiled a little, then let it fall the slightest bit. “Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?”

“Oh, yeah,” Lucy promised with certainty. “She’ll see she's insane soon too.”

Lena smiled, resting her elbow on her knee and bending her arms to rest her head on her fists.

“I'm sorry you have to miss her right now, though,” Lucy murmured.

Lena took a deep breath, begrudgingly acknowledging that as much as she wanted her to be the enemy, Lucy wasn't a bad person.

“Thank you for telling me all that,” Lena finally murmured. “Sorry for being so mean at first.”

“You thought I was stealing her away,” Lucy shrugged. “I'd be mad if you did that to Jess too.”

Lena grinned, grateful to feel understood for once. That feeling had gone away after Kara left, and two weeks of missing that felt like a lifetime.

“I hope she's done being mad soon.”

Lucy leaned forward, resting her head on her fists too. “I hope she is too.”

Lena looked at her with curiosity and Lucy just laughed, letting out an innocent shrug and explaining, “A universe where you two aren't friends is a universe that's off balance. It's weird to live in.”

Lena took a moment to think that over, then when it was processed she nodded along in agreement. “It's weird for me too.”

“Yeah,” Lucy sighed. “Hopefully it won't be like this much longer.”

 

 

xx

 

 

It was like that for a while longer. Long enough for her dad to realize Kara stopped calling and her brother to ask why she didn't like school anymore. Her parents argued less about her and Lex and her spent more time together than they had in years. And eventually, Lena was okay again. But she still wasn't Lena.

She learned how to navigate a life without Kara beside her, but she wasn't herself anymore. She reverted back to that shy girl she was in kindergarten, aimlessly floating through each day and wondering if she'd ever feel the way she used to feel again.

Maybe that was gone forever.

 

 

xx

 

 

At the very end of October, three days before Halloween, Lena felt Kara eyes on her all day. She saw Kara step towards her multiple times and felt herself get excited, but every time her heart fell shortly after, because something changed and Kara veered away.

On the bus that afternoon they sat side-by-side again, sitting in their normal silence the whole time, but halfway through she heard Kara release a deep breath and shuffle in her seat, opening her backpack and digging around.

Lena kept the rigidly straight posture she'd adapted to on their bus rides, her stare staying focused on the ground of the aisle as she continued listening to the music on her iPod. She wondered what Kara was doing, though. Usually, they both sat there like statues and tried not to breathe too loud. Now, Kara was wildly moving and breathing heavily as if she were nervous.

When Kara found whatever she was looking for in her backpack, she pulled it out, then turned to Lena who still couldn't meet her eye.

“Lena,” she heard Kara nearly whisper.

Her heart sped up, but Lena still didn't move, or even blink, simply pretending her music was too loud to hear through. If she looked up, this would turn into another one of her dreams where her and Kara became friends again. Those dreams always disappeared when she woke up.

She felt Kara poke her shoulder, though, and she couldn't exactly pretend not to hear that.

“Lena,” she repeated her name.

After a deep breath, Lena looked up, tugging out one of her earbuds. To her surprise, the dream didn't end yet.

“Uh–” Kara lifted a hand to fiddle with her glasses. “I – I made this for you.”

She held out a piece of dark orange construction paper that was cut out like a pumpkin. On one side was the face of a jack-o-lantern and on the other was a note in Kara's handwriting.

“It's to say I'm sorry,” Kara bashfully explained. “I want to be best friends again.”

“Oh,” Lena sputtered out with surprise, flipping over the pumpkin in her hand to look at the face she'd drawn on the front.

“I know you might be mad at me now, but I really miss you,” Kara nervously continued. “I told Alex all about it and she said I was letting a boy come between us, and I didn't mean for that to happen. My best friend should mean more to me than a stupid boy.”

Lena smiled at what sounded like something that would be Alex's exact words. “It's okay.”

“It's not,” Kara frowned. “I was really mean to you. I shouldn't have told you Lucy was my best friend, because she's not – she never will be. I was just mad at you and wanted to hurt you back. You're still the one who's my forever and ever.” Kara paused. “If you still want that, that is.”

Lena scoffed at the insinuation that she might not want such a thing. “I'll always want that, Kara. I told you, remember? You're always going to be my best friend, even if I'm not yours.”

“You are mine!” Kara hurriedly promised. “You are! Forever and ever! Okay?”

Lena glanced down at the pumpkin in her hand with a wide smile. “Forever and ever.”

Kara gave a sigh of relief at the repetition, letting herself slouch for the first time in two months on that bus. “Thank god. I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” Lena promised.

“Well, I'm back now,” Kara proclaimed. “And I'm never leaving your side, ever again. I _promise_.”

Lena smiled at her earnestness, then held out her pinky finger. “Pinky swear?”

“Pinky,” Kara recited, yet again linking their pinkies together. She gestured to the paper pumpkin Lena was holding. “I wrote you a note on there. I probably didn't get some words right, though.”

“It's okay. I love your notes,” Lena told her.

“Good,” Kara grinned. “Will you come over for Halloween again?”

“Yeah. I'd love to,” Lena got out breathlessly, feeling like she was living on a cloud. “I'll ask my dad tonight.”

 

 

xx

 

 

And no sooner did Kara return than did Lena’s parents start fighting again. When she asked her dad, the fight about whether she should be permitted to go sounded through her bedroom walls as Lena tried to sleep.

“We don't know why this girl annexed Lena out in the first place!” Her mom seethed. “She’s clearly just toying with her.”

“Kids fight,” her dad rationalized. “And Lena is so happy that she came back. She needs to go over there.”

“No, she _needs_ people who are more like her! People who understand what being a Luthor is all about,” her mom fiercely argued. “Are you seriously telling me you think Kiera is a good influence on her?”

“You know her name,” her dad lowly warned. “Kara has been her best friend for three years now. She makes her enormously happy, so I _absolutely_ think she's a good influence on her. And I'm not going to watch my daughter mope around for months again just because we pull them apart!”

“‘ _My_ _daughter_?’” Her mom questioned with disbelief. “She's just as much mine as she is yours, Lionel. Even if you have made sure she isolated me.”

“She begged for your approval for _years_ and you never gave it. That’s why she isolated you, Lillian. It has nothing to do with me,” her dad spat out. “You never showed her that you loved her.”

“That's ridiculous! I did! I still do!” Her mom raised her tone. “How dare you even say that!”

There was silence for a minute, then her dad shut the conversation down completely. “She's going to Kara's. That's final.”

“I don't even get a say?”

“You don't,” her dad curtly confirmed. “You might not care about her happiness, but I do.”

“I care about her happiness, I just don't like that it's with that girl,” her mom spat out.

When her dad spoke, it was entirely unapologetic. “Well, it is. And Kara's isn’t the enemy. She's an incredible kid, actually, and you'd know that if you would just meet her.”

“I have no interest,” her mom dismissed with disdain. “Goodnight, Lionel.”

“Goodnight,” her dad snapped back.

Lena sunk further into her mattress, feeling guilty for causing all of this again. But Kara was worth it. She had always been worth it.

 

 

xx

 

 

The next morning, Lex met her in the hall with an instant. He tugged on her arm, spinning her around to meet the fire in his eyes as he spat out, “The moment she came back Mom and Dad started fighting again. You really don't care about that at all?”

Lena froze, caught off guard, but when she composed herself, she simply shrugged. “She makes me happy.”

“We’re your _family_ ,” Lex pled, his temporary fondness for Kara no longer in sight. “Aren't we enough for you?”

Lena's entire being was unwavering as she proclaimed, “She feels like family too.”

“Well, she’s not,” Lex sneered. “I'm your brother. And Mom is your mom! You should care that you're tearing us all apart.”

“And I do – I feel terrible about it,” Lena was eager to assure him, “but I'm not leaving Kara for the sake of pleasing Mom. Kara's going to be in my life forever, Lex.”

“No one is in your life forever. Everyone is going to be temporary – except us. Except your family.”

Lena stared him down, then shook her head and turned back on her way to the bathroom. “Kara’s permanent.”

“Lena–”

“Mark my words,” she repeated more firmly. “Kara is in my life for good.”

 

 

xx

 

 

On Halloween, Lena went over to Kara's and was happy to find out it was just going to be the two of them this year, because after all of their time apart, that was all Lena wanted. She missed her quality time with Kara more than she could put into words, and Kara seemed to be on the exact same page.

“I wanted time alone with you,” she explained when Lena got there. “Other people have gotten in our way too much this year.”

And even though there was only one person who had gotten in between them, Lena felt the same way.

“I agree,” she piped out as Kara pulled out the pillow cases they went trick-or-treating with every year.

She handed her one, then accompanied by a small, apologetic smile. “I'll never let that happen again.”

“Good,” Lena smiled back at the reassurance. “I hated fighting with you.”

“You too,” Kara agreed. “Let’s just have fun tonight now that we have each other back.”

And they did. They had lots of fun. They went door to door together for the third year in a row, collecting candy, then going home to trade with each other. Lena got more Smarties than she could imagine and Kara got all the Milk Duds from both Lena and Alex, who both reminded her that they were absolutely disgusting.

This year, when they ate frozen pizza, Alex ate with them, talking to her sister about school and boys and the rest of the world. Lena watched on as her best friend lit up while animatedly conversing with Alex. She couldn't help but remember the not-so-long-ago day on the bus when Kara was wondering what she did to make Alex not like her anymore. As she watched the sisters exchange stories and speak with nothing but love, she found herself feeling so glad that Kara no longer had to feel that way.

“And you?” Alex turned to Lena. “I missed you. How’ve you been?”

Lena sat stunned, because she didn’t think anyone in Kara’s family would’ve missed her being there. If anything, she felt bad for bothering them so much by coming over all the time.

“I’ve been fine,” she eventually got out, looking between both of the girls at the table before focusing on Alex again. “You missed me?”

“Of course. We all did,” Alex shrugged as she bit off another bite of her pizza. “After last summer, you’re kind of like my second sister.”

“I am?” She asked in disbelief. “Really?”

“And truly,” Alex confirmed. “It’s not the same around here without you. And neither is she,” Alex gestured over to Kara who’s face was turning red. “She’s crabby without you.”

“I am not!” Kara exclaimed.

Alex gave her a pointed look, but didn’t push it further as she turned back to Lena. “Well, I’m glad you’re back, anyway.”

“Me too,” Lena smiled at her best friend, who was too busy pouting and glaring at her sister to notice. She softly bumped her foot against Kara’s under the table, finally grabbing her attention again. “Let’s never fight again.”

Kara brightened up at that idea, immediately extending her pinky finger. “Pinky?”

“Pinky,” Lena recited again. “And you can’t break a pinky.”

Kara smiled at her fondly, nodding along and agreeing, “You can never break a pinky. We’re stuck together forever.”

“Good,” Lena hmphed. “Forever and ever is exactly what I want with you.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena went over To Kara's on a Saturday one weekend, for no other reason than to spend time with her. It wasn't a special day off of school or Thanksgiving break or Kara's birthday, it was just because she wanted to go, which was something Lena never would've imagined being allowed to do a few years ago.

They sat on Kara's bed together, casually talking about school and their hopes and dreams for the future, both of them not realizing the way their hands were intertwined or how the other flushed when one of them threw out a compliment.

“My future is kind of decided for me,” Lena declared after Kara spoke of how badly she wanted to be an astronaut.

“Oh. What are you gonna do?”

“Run my family’s business. Or, I'm going to help, I guess. Lex is the one who’ll actually be running it.”

“What?” Kara asked with confusion. “Why not you?”

“Because Lex is smarter than me.”

Kara's eyes went wide as she frantically shook her head in disagreement. “ _No one_ is smarter than you, Lena. Trust me.”

Lena laughed at her best friend’s disbelief, shaking her head to proclaim, “Lex is.”

“Yeah, but he's older. When you're that old you'll be even smarter than him. I know you will.”

Lena gave her a warm smile, but dejectedly shook her head again. “You don’t know my family, Kara. I'm the least smart out of everyone.”

“Only because you're seven. But just _trust me_ , you're going to be a genius. You're gonna change the world! Even if you can't see that yet.”

Suddenly, Lena felt her face get hot again as she looked down with a bashful grin. “I'm glad you think so, Kar.”

“You will,” she shrugged in response. “You'll see.”

“With you by my side, anything is possible,” Lena chimed. “I feel like I can do anything with you.”

“You can,” Kara proclaimed. “But you can do anything without me too. You're amazing like that.”

“Maybe,” Lena didn't argue, but didn't agree. “But I'd much rather do anything with you by my side.”

“Yeah,” Kara happily sighed, scooting closer to her on the bed. “I'd much rather that too.”

 

 

xx

 

 

This Christmas, Lena didn't know what to get Kara. She knew she wanted it to be special, but she was at a loss for what _special_ was. So, finally – after a lot of convincing from her dad – she turned to the person who knew Kara better than anyone.

“Hi Eliza! It's Lena,” she told her on the phone, despite knowing the caller I.D. made that evident.

“Hey, honey!” Kara's mom chimed back anyway. “I'll go get her for you.”

“Wait!” Her voice was urgent. “I'm actually calling for Alex.”

“Alex?”

“Uh – yeah,” she suddenly felt self-conscious. “Is that okay?”

“Of course it is – I just wasn't expecting it,” Eliza coaxed. “Let me go find her.”

Lena's heartbeat went wild as she wondered if this was even appropriate. Would Alex even want to talk to her or would she think it was weird? Why did she even care about Kara so much in the first place? She knew they were best friends, but there were feelings that were greater than that, feelings that Lena couldn't explain. She didn't understand why it was like Kara had this monumental, life-altering effect on her, because it didn't seem like other best friends were effected like that, but she did. She just did.

“Alex, phone call,” she heard Eliza's faint voice come through the other end of the phone.

Alex sounded outright confused. “ _Me_? Are you sure you're in the right room, Mom?”

“It's for you,” Eliza laughed.

There was shuffling, then Alex was on the line, her voice utterly perturbed. “Hello?”

“Hi,” Lena squeaked out. Her courage was gone and replaced by intimidation. “It's Lena.”

“My mom definitely had the wrong room,” Alex mumbled. But Lena could hear her smile. “You want to talk to _me_?”

“Yeah, I have a question,” Lena explained. “I mean – if that's okay.”

“Of course it's okay!” Alex instantly assured her. “It's just a surprise. But you can call me any time – for anything!”

“Thank you,” Lena grinned at the comforting words. “So, uh… I was wondering if you had any ideas of what to get Kara for Christmas.”

“Oh,” Alex stuttered with surprise. “Well, what are you thinking right now?”

“I honestly don't even know. I just want it to be special,” Lena sighed. “I want to make her as happy as she makes me for a day.”

“Well, you already do that,” Alex promised. “Kara would love literally _anything_ you got her, purely because it came from you.”

“But what would she _really_ love?” Lena asked. “I want her to really, really, really love it.”

Alex took a second to think it over, then let out a defeated sigh. “I don't know. She's a sucker for gifts with thought behind them, though. She's weird like that. She'd rather a gift have meaning than be exciting or expensive.”

“Okay,” Lena pursed her lips. That didn't really help her. “What kind of stuff do you usually get her?”

“Oh, I get her pointless gifts for her amusement. Bobble-heads and little trinkets mainly. It's too hard thinking of something with meaning every time.”

Lena smiled at the honesty, but didn't want to do that. She wanted to give Kara the most meaningful gift ever. She just didn't know what that was yet.

 

 

xx

 

 

After a long conversation with her dad, Lena ended up buying Kara a blank scrapbook with lots of decorations and stickers. She had no idea if she'd like it, but it would have meaning, so Lena was hoping she would.

When it was unwrapped and the girl across from her wore a confused smile, Lena rushed to explain, “It's for us. The two of us.” She took a deep breath to continue despite her anxiety at the fact that Kara could easily hate it. “We say forever and ever a lot, so I thought we could make a scrapbook together. We can take pictures and put them in here to look back on.”

“Oh,” Kara smiled, turning it over in her hands and running her fingers over the _Best Friends_ emblem that was printed on its front. “Wow. That's amazing.”

Lena bit her lip at Kara's faraway tone. “Do you really like it? My dad kept the receipt, so I can return it.”

“No! No, don't return it! I love this! It's gonna be so cool to have somewhere to put our memories. It's just…” Kara sighed. “My gift kinda stinks compared to what you got me.”

“That can't be true,” Lena gave her a soft smile. It would be impossible not to like something that came from Kara. “What is it?”

“Well… there's two,” Kara fumbled, reaching beside her to hand Lena the presents wrapped in shiny red wrapping paper.

Lena moved to open the first one, smiling when it was a blank slated CD with Kara's messy handwriting across it. _‘For my best friend.’_

“It's that mix tape I promised you last,” Kara explained. “I know that was forever ago, but… I really wanted to make you one.”

“I love it,” Lena promised. “I'm gonna go home and listen to it right away. I can't wait.”

“Hopefully you like the songs,” Kara smiled. “I know you don't like some of my music but I only put songs I thought you'd like too.”

“I'm going to love them, purely because you picked them,” Lena promised. “I know I will.”

“Cool,” Kara let out a sigh of relief. “Now open the second one!”

Lena moved to the next present, unwrapping it and wearing a huge smile when she realized what they were. She held two necklaces in her hand that looked no more than fifteen dollars but were already so special to her. One necklace had a charm with ‘ _best_ ’ on it while the other charm read ‘ _friends_ ’.

“We each get one,” Kara explained. “So we’ll always have a piece of the other, wherever we are.”

“I love that,” Lena murmured. She tore her eyes away from the necklace to meet Kara's eyes with a wide smile. “I _really_ love that, Kar.”

“Good,” her best friend wore a happy grin. “I was hoping you would.”

It was the cheapest necklace Lena had ever received at seven years old, but it was also her absolute favorite.

 

 

xx

 

 

For Valentine’s Day, Kara invited Lena over to eat a heart shaped pizza with her family. It was their first time doing it, but it would become a tradition through the years. Heart shaped pizzas and bonding with Kara would be what Valentine’s Days were made of. And Lena would be very happy about that.

 

 

xx

 

 

“How was your night over at Kara’s?” Lena’s dad asked the next night at their family dinner. 

”It was amazing. Did you know they make heart shaped pizzas? Because they do and they're _so_ good.”

“This is the second time in a row she's came home talking about eating pizza over there,” her mom commented from her end of the table. “We’re trying to feed her a well-balanced diet and–”

“It's okay, Lil,” her dad coaxed. “She doesn't go over a lot.”

“She goes over a lot,” Lex interjected with a bitter grumble. “She's over at least once a week.”

“I am not!”

“Well, once every other week,” Lex sneered out what Lena couldn't deny.

But she didn't see a problem with that. Kara was her best friend and she still couldn't understand why Lex went through periods of being mad about that. Her parents didn't argue about their friendship as much as they used to, and it was evident how happy going over there made her. Lena couldn't understand why her brother wouldn't want that for her.

“She's my best friend,” Lena reminded him.

“Yeah. You've made that clear,” he rolled his eyes, then looked to their parents. “Can I be excused?”

“Lex–”

“Mom?” He cut off their dad before he could say no. “Can I please be excused?”

“Yeah, honey.” But even Lillian seemed hesitant to let him go. “I'll come check in on you in a bit.”

“Whatever,” he muttered, storming away from all three of them.

Lena dejectedly sighed. She didn't understand his outbursts at all.

 

 

xx

 

 

Later that night, her dad came into her room to explain the behavior that still seemed unwarranted, and Lena realized that maybe his outbursts weren't hard to understand after all.

“Your brother just misses you, sweetie,” he gently explained. “It's hard for him to watch you find new friends.”

“But why?” Lena tilted her head to the side with confusion. “I'll be happy with whoever his best friend is. Why can't he do the same for me?”

“Because he hasn't been in your shoes.” Her dad cautiously treaded the unspoken territory of Lex’s loneliness. “He's never met anyone like Kara. You've always been his best friend – his only friend. And with you going over there more…”

“Oh,” Lena nodded without him having to finish. “But I'm still his sister. And he’ll always be my brother. That can't change.”

“I know. But in his eyes, he's losing you,” her dad broke the news. “He just misses you, honey.”

“Lately it doesn't even seem like he wants me around, so I don't know how he could miss me,” Lena furrowed her eyebrows together. “Whenever I'm home he doesn't refuses to even talk to me anymore.”

“I know,” her dad defeatedly sighed. “But be patient with him. And keep trying. He just misses his little sister.”

 

 

xx

 

 

No matter what she did to fix their relationship, her brother didn't seem to care. And as the days went on, Lena wondered if he ever would again. Suddenly, he was beginning to seem a lot like their mom in the sense of being impossible to please. No matter what Lena did, it wasn't good enough. She was never, ever good enough him nowadays.

It made her wonder if maybe she'd already lost him. Maybe, without even realizing it, her brother was already gone – maybe things would never be the same. That was beginning to seem like the case.

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena didn't know when it happened, nor did she know why, but sitting in Kara's room one night made her realize that that was where she was happiest. In that house, with that family, was where she wished she could always be. It was her safe place. Being there was all she needed to feel okay again.

And Lena knew that that thought should be terrifying, because Kara could decide not to like her one day too. If her own brother could, Kara certainly could, and a life without Kara was the dreariest thought. But somehow, Lena found herself positive that that wouldn't be the case.

She meant what she told everyone when she said Kara was in her life for good. She was. Forever and ever was a promise she took very seriously. And even at seven, she knew Kara did too.

 

 

xx

 

 

Over spring break, they had yet another sleepover, but this time Alex joined in. It was nine o’ clock and Lena was pretty sure they were going to go to bed soon, but as soon as Alex showed interest in hanging out with them all of Kara's sleepiness seemed to disappear. She was back to her bubbly self, openly adoring her older sister and wanting to spend time with the thirteen-year-old who she thought was _so_ cool.

“What are you guys doing?” Alex sat on the floor with them.

“We were just talking about… stuff,” Kara stumbled with embarrassment.

Lena laughed a little, because they had actually been talking about Winn and his undying love for her, and unlike Kara, Lena felt more than free to share it. His crush was pitiful and Kara shouldn't be the one who was embarrassed by it.

“We were talking about how Winn won't leave her alone.”

“He _still_ has a crush?” Alex raised her eyebrows with surprise. “It's been months!”

“He told Lena he like liked me a year ago. Literally! A _year_. It's never gonna go away!” Kara exclaimed with defeat. She looked up to her older sister for an answer she couldn't seem to find. “What do I do?”

“Just ride it out,” her sister shrugged. “He's gotta get over it eventually.”

“I know, it's just–” Kara cut herself off and sighed, fiddling with her fingers. “It just awkward, you guys.”

Lena scooted closer to her best friend, grabbing a hand to comfort her. “He’ll move on soon. He has to.”

She watched as Alex’s gaze zeroed in on their intertwined hands, and for a second Lena was panicked and wondering if maybe that wasn't appropriate, but then she remembered how her and Kara did this all the time. And plis, she felt Kara relax into her touch, so this had to be normal.

“What about you, Lena?” Alex asked. “Do you like any boys?”

“Oh, me?” she stumbled with a nervous laugh, feeling her heart speed up in the process. “No. I don't like boys. I mean – one day I will, I'm sure – I'll have to! But right now they're dumb.”

“Well, they don't get much better as you get older,” Alex disappointedly sighed. “I've never had a crush in my life. Guys make good bros, but why would you want to date one?”

Lena held Alex's eye for a moment, feeling understood for once. Why _would_ someone want to date a boy? Lena was confused about that too, but she never felt she could say it.

“Do you ever feel weird that you don't want a boyfriend?” Lena asked her as her own insecurities flooded to the surface.

“I guess, sometimes,” Alex admitted. “But then I remember how it felt dating Max. It was so awkward that I wanted the universe to suck me into a black hole just so I could get out of it. I don't want to feel that way again.”

“Why'd you date him if you didn't like him?” she continued to prod.

Alex just shrugged it off. “He was my best friend. It felt logical to date him.”

Lena glanced at her own best friend. Maybe that was why she thought a boy would never beat her. Maybe _that_ was why her feelings towards her best friend felt so intimate. It was logical. It wasn't anything romantic or weird, just a logical thought process that everyone had, because that was what having a best friend was like.

“That makes sense,” Lena grinned, wondering if she sounded as relieved as she felt. Lately, she had been beginning to think something was wrong with her, so finding out that her feelings were normal was liberating. “Best friends are pretty cool.”

“Yeah,” Alex held her gaze for a moment, then broke it to quickly glance at Kara. She seemed to have more to say, but shook it off and gave them a small nod instead. “Yeah, they are.”

 

 

xx

 

 

“You're coming to my party, right?” Kara asked a month later. “It's not a good birthday when you're not there.”

“I'm coming,” Lena promised. “I have to. You're my best friend.”

But she was still in awe that her presence mattered so much. Some days being cared for still felt new.

 

 

xx

 

 

As summer quickly approached, Lena was paralyzingly terrified to ask her parents if she could quit tennis lessons, but eventually she grew the guts to muster the question out. Instead of tennis lessons, she proposed she could go over to Kara's on a weekly basis. It was Eliza who invited her, and Lena had been eager to ask ever since, but it was like there was cotton being shoved down her throat, preventing the question from coming out.

“I don't think so,” her mom immediately shut her down when she finally asked mid-May. “You can’t just quit something you're good at for your friends.”

“Hold on, Lil,” her dad held his hand in the air. “If this is something she wants to do–”

“I am very lenient with Kara, but Lena is a Luthor. She's a child prodigy who needs to focus on beneficial things during her three months without school. That's how she’ll succeed.”

“But Kara is beneficial!” Lena pled. “She makes me happy!”

Her dad pursed his lips in agreement, while her mom softly reminded him that, “Summers are her only time with Lex.”

“Yes, and she’ll still be doing her piano and Spanish lessons with him,” he coaxed back. “Friends are a _good_ thing. We can’t punish her just because Lex hasn't made any.”

“We don't know he hasn't made any,” her mom snapped. “You don't think sibling time is important, Lionel?”

“I think it's very important, Lillian, but it's not fair to ask Lena to put her life on hold just to spare Lex’s feelings. He can put himself out there too, just like she has. It's not her job to make him feel less alone. It's his,” her dad lectured. “Lex doesn't even try to make friends. He thinks his peers are beneath him. And that's fine, if that's how he truly feels, but we can't punish Lena just because he wants to isolate himself.”

“She’s his rock.”

“She's seven years old. You can't give her that responsibility.”

“Lionel.”

“Lillian,” her dad mimicked her mom’s tone. “Friends are good. And if you'd go over to Kara's, you'd see how your daughter is the happiest when she's there. If this is something she really wants, we have to honor that. It's what good parents do.”

Lena watched her mom purse her lips and stared her dad down. She felt awkward sitting in the middle of their power struggle, but also honored that she had such a great dad. Maybe her mom would never understand her, but at least she had a really, really great dad by her side. She couldn't ask for a better one, actually.

“Fine,” her mom reluctantly agreed. “But I want it noted that Lex is going to suffer because of this.”

“And if he does, it's no fault of hers. It's his responsibility to find himself friends. Not hers.”

“Yes, you've made your opinion on that quite clear,” her mom deadpanned. She looked between the two of them before disdainfully shaking her head. “I'm going to get ready for bed now.” She offered her daughter a forced smile. “Goodnight, dear. Sleep well.”

“You too,” Lena gave a nervous smile back.

When she left, she met eyes with her dad who sympathetically enforced, “It's not your job to shelter your brother, okay? I want to make that very clear to you now, because Kara is _good_ for you, and if you want to see her more, I will always do everything in my power to make that happen. Okay?”

“Okay… But why won't Mom?” Lena fiddled with her small fingers. “I want Mom to like her too.”

“She does,” her dad promised. “She's just protective over your brother. You know that.”

“Yeah,” her laugh was bitter. “I just wish she was protective over me too.”

“She is, honey, it's just… in a different way. But she loves you _very_ much.”

“Not as much as Lex,” Lena fought. “Compared to him, I'm a nobody.”

“That's not true,” her dad's voice was stern. “Lena, your mother loves you. Whether she shows it or not, I promise she does.”

“I know you'd never lie to me on purpose, but I don't think Mom will ever really love me, Dad. At least, not the way she loves Lex,” Lena sadly narrated. Before he could respond, she added, “I don't think she ever really has.”

“You're her daughter – not to mention Lena Luthor,” her dad tried to cheer her up. “How could she not love you?”

“I don't know,” Lena mumbled, feeling tears come to her eyes. “I just know she doesn't.”

“Lena–”

“I'm gonna go to bed now too,” she hurriedly decided. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Honey–”

“I don't want to talk about this anymore,” she rushed out. “See you tomorrow, Dad.”

“I love you,” he called after her. “I swear, I do, Lena. You'll always have me.”

“I know,” she forced a smile of her own. “I love you too.”

She just wished she had a mom to love her like that too.

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena wasn't sure if it was all in her head or not, but she was pretty sure their impromptu two week vacation at the beginning of summer was a ploy from her mom to force her to have fun with Lex instead of Kara. And it worked. There was no way she could spend time with Kara while she was trapped in Italy. In fact, she couldn't even call her. That part of her mother’s plan was flawless. But it wasn't fun at all.

And Lena knew it should be. She knew that most kids didn't even have passport, so she was lucky to get to see Europe as frequently as she did. She was lucky to know choice words in multiple languages from traveling and she was lucky to see the world while she was so young – she knew that.

She knew Europe was beautiful, she knew she should be having the time of her life there, she knew she should be grateful, but she wasn't. Because yeah, Europe was beautiful, and extravagant, and something Kara would define as “so, so, _so_ cool”, but it was also really lonely… Lena hated to admit it – she hated to be the stereotypical ungrateful rich girl – but she'd much rather be in her best friend’s backyard chasing fireflies.

Still, how was she supposed to tell her parents that? She couldn't. So, she sat at those fancy restaurants and historic monuments with a smile and tried to make the best of it. But that didn't stop her from wishing Kara was there.

 

 

xx

 

 

Much to her mother’s disappointment, Lena still requested to quit tennis lessons in favor of seeing Kara over the summer. Lena also decided that the term _mother_ was more appropriate for Lillian Luthor. ‘Mom’ was warm and friendly and loving - like Eliza, for example. Lena didn’t have one of those. She simply had a mother.

At first, she felt bad for the mental change in terms, but as time went on she felt justified. As her mom gave her those constant looks of scorn and repeatedly ordered she sit up straighter or speak quieter or act more gracefully, Lena’s guilt over it all disappeared.

It was a hard revelation to have, but realizing that she would always have a mother, but would probably never have a mom felt overdue. It felt liberating, actually. It felt like she was finally letting go of the need to please her mother, and when she let go of that undying desire, her whole world felt lighter. She didn't realize how exhausting begging her mother to love her was until she stopped the begging altogether.

Even years later, her only regret would be waiting so long to do it.

 

 

xx

 

 

“Lena!” Kara once again met her at the driveway instead waiting for Lena to ring the doorbell. “I missed you!”

“I missed you too,” Lena smiled into the hug.

“Tell me everything about Italy, though!” Her best friend was overly excited. “What’s it like? Did you love it? Are airplanes cool?”

Lena thought over the questions. She didn’t really want to talk about her forced family time, nor did she want to think about how it was all just a scam to get her away from Kara, but she still didn’t want to sound ungrateful either.

“It was pretty cool. But it would’ve been cooler if you were there too,” she eventually answered. She looked at Kara with a small smile and promised, “If I ever get enough money, I’m going to go with you one day. That would make it perfect.”

“I want to go so bad! I’ve never even been on a plane!” Kara exclaimed. “My mom said I have too much energy to ride on a plane, though. Do you think that’s true?”

Lena laughed at the claim, but tried not to bring her best friend down too much. “You’d just need to work on sitting still.”

“I sit still in school!” Kara indignantly fought.

Lena still shook her head, though, because, “You ask to go to the bathroom more than anyone else in our grade.”

“I have a small bladder.”

“Are you sure?” Lena squinted her eyes with suspicion. “Because I think you just hate staying in one spot. When you go to the bathroom you explore the whole school.”

“Well, exploring is just an added bonus,” Kara humphed. “Now, let’s go! My mom made us fish sticks!”

That was the first time Lena learned that fish could come from a box in the freezer. She was used to baked cod and grilled tilapia at home. She decided fish sticks with Kara were way better.

 

 

xx

 

 

It was July 4th when Lena finally mentioned the hostility between her and Lex to Kara.

At first, she didn’t want to tell anyone about it, but eventually she decided that she had to tell someone, because it was eating her alive. She had get out how Lex didn’t love her anymore, how he didn’t even like having piano lessons together anymore, how he avoided her at all costs during their summer days together. Not to mention, the other day he screamed at her in Spanish, and while Lena didn’t know what the words meant, she had a pretty good idea they weren’t too kind. The ones she looked up later were words they were both forbidden to say in English - or ‘swear words’, as her dad called them.

Her and Kara both held sparklers in their hands as Lena nervously glanced up, trying to become brave enough to be vulnerable. The sun had almost set, but the fire lit up Kara’s features beautifully and every time Lena looked at her she was sure she’d never forget how Kara Danvers looked under the glow of a fire. The reflection of the bursting flame shone across Kara’s glasses and made her smile beam through in the shadows of the night. Her ponytail was messy and loose ends stuck out and her shirt had a stain from one of the three hotdogs she’d eaten earlier, yet she still looked perfect. Yet again, she left Lena breathless.

Then, the image gave her the courage to be honest with Kara about something regarding her family. She had never talked about what ‘being a Luthor’ entailed with anyone, despite its importance being emphasized to her since birth. Until lately, Lena didn’t think she wanted to share her family life with anyone. In fact, she wanted to bury it. But as her and Kara became closer and more grown up, as Lena got to see more of Kara’s family, the urge to share more about her own began to surface.

“Lex doesn’t want me to be his sister anymore,” she nonchalantly proclaimed, her gaze becoming fixated on the sparking sparkler in her own hand.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Kara look up from her stick of fire, but didn’t dare meet her eyes. Lena had never heard her best friend sound so confused. “He - _what?_ Why not?”

“He doesn’t like me anymore,” Lena shrugged. “He said really mean things to me the other day.”

“But-” Kara seemed speechless for once. It took her a minute to put together a full sentence. “How could he not want to be your brother? Does he know who you are? You’re _Lena_!”

That one made her smile, but she wryly stated, “Yeah, well, I don’t think he really cares about that.”

“But how is that possible? I mean, you’re seriously the _coolest_ person I know! No! You’re better than cool! You’re – you’re – I can’t think of another word right now, but you’re cooler than cool! How can he be missing that?” Kara asked incredulously. “Is he _blind_?”

“Not blind, just… Lex,” Lena softly smiled, for the first time looking up at Kara. Her face was dark now, her sparkler dead in her hand, as was Lena’s, but she was still so breathtaking. “My family is just… it’s not anything like yours. I wish it was.”

Kara stepped closer, grabbing Lena’s hands in her own in what the two of them had found as form of comfort. “You can just join mine, then.”

Lena laughed, shaking her head at her best friend’s innocence. “It’s not that simple, Kar. I can’t just _join_ your family.”

“Sure, it is!” Kara exclaimed. She quickly tugged on her hand, dragging her over to where her family was sitting on the blanket and plopping them both down. “Alex! Lena is going to be our sister too now. Okay?”

Alex looked up from the cell phone she had just gotten for her birthday, then nodded with a smile. “Sounds good to me.”

Kara’s face lit up as she turned to Lena and shrugged out, “See? Simple.”

Lena didn’t know what to say in response, because after that display it truly did appear to be that easy. “I guess so, huh?” she murmured. “Simple.”

Being so accepted with the Danvers made her feel a little more at ease. She still didn’t feel like a real part of their family, but she wondered if maybe one day she would. Maybe if she pretended long enough, eventually being part of their family would seem real. Regardless, right now, it still felt like the closest version of home she had.

 

 

xx

 

 

The rest of the summer was spent in one of two places: her room or Kara’s. She didn’t know when it happened, but sometime over the span of that summer, her room became the only space in her house that felt safe to be in. The rest of the mansion was filled with hostility and tension and anger. Her room was the only one with tranquility.

Whenever she passed her brother in the hallway he never spoke to her, and when she sat at family dinners she was lectured any time she said anything about anything. Somehow, everything she said was wrong in her mother’s eyes, and despite her father trying to make up for it, Lena still noticed the scowls and scorn radiating off of the woman that gave birth to her.

 _And they wonder why I like school so much_ , she found herself sourly sulking one night. _School means I’m not here. And no one would want to be here._

She couldn't wait for summer to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come chat with me: shes-cured.tumblr.com


	5. fourth grade

It was only the second week of fourth grade when James pulled Lena aside to ask how he could make Kara his girlfriend. Similar to Winn, he had never talked to her one-on-one before his newfound ‘love’ emerged, but when he came up to her, he acted like they’d been best friends for years.

“I mean, I know Winn has this thing for her, but it has to be me that wins, you know?” He confided in her. “I like her so much. And she’d like me too if she gave me a chance.”

“You want to _win_ her?” Lena skeptically repeated his word choice.

She was caught so off guard that she stumbled for a minute. Half of her thought she didn’t hear him right, because how could anyone think they could win an entire person, but she knew her ears hadn’t betrayed her, and she suddenly felt like there was steam coming out of them. She had never been so irritated by a statement.

“Kara isn’t a prize,” she finally managed to get out through gritted teeth. “It shouldn’t be about _winning_ her at all.”

“She’s a prize to me,” James shrugged off her anger. “And she’s a prize I’m determined to get. If I get her to like me, I win. That means that all the other guys can’t have her. She’ll be totally mine.”

And maybe it was protectiveness or maybe it was jealousy, but either way, the comment struck a major nerve. “No one gets to totally have her. Even if she likes you one day, she’s not _just_ yours. She gets to have her own friends and be her own person.”

“Sure, but I’d be her boyfriend,” James arrogantly explained with his typical nine-year-old logic. “She’d have to listen to me.”

“She wouldn’t _have_ to do anything,” Lena spat out, correcting his word choice yet again. “Even if she was your girlfriend, you wouldn’t own her.”

James stared at her and Lena thought he was going to cave and admit she was right, but eventually he just shrugged out, “Okay. Sure. Whatever you say. Will you put in a good word for me or not?”

“After this conversation? After you told me you want to win her like you'd win a toy in the claw machine?” Lena double-checked she heard him right. “ _No_.”

“Okay. But even without your help, I’ll still win her over,” he haughtily proclaimed. “It’ll be harder, but I will. Just wait and see.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” Lena put a testy hand on her hip. “Maybe when you grow up and realize she’s not just possession, but right now, you won’t.”

“Oh yeah?” He rose his eyebrow at what Lena didn’t mean to be a challenge and took a step closer. “How much you wanna bet?”

“I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen,” she told him, not threatened by his confidence in the least. “You think I won’t tell her about this conversation?”

James’ lips formed into a thin line. He suddenly realized the consequences of his words as he bashfully rubbed a hand over his neck and retraced his steps. “I was just messing around with you. I know she isn’t a prize.”

“Oh, really?” Lena quipped, still laced with anger. “Because I don’t think you do. And I promise you, if you even try to make a move, I’ll-”

“Everything alright?” Kara was suddenly standing beside them. Her arms were crossed and her chest was puffed out, and Lena had never seen her look so ready to fight. Standing like that, Kara no longer looked innocent and bubbly, but rather aggressive and fierce.

“We’re fine,” James casually shrugged.

Kara turned to look at Lena next, taking a step closer to quietly murmur, “You look like you’re about to kill him.”

“I think I am,” she confessed through a clenched jaw.

When James took a step closer to be included in their conversation, Lena stepped back and Kara followed suit. Lately it seemed like everything they did, they did together. If one of them was angry, both of them were angry. Lena found comfort in that solidarity.

“I don’t know what you’re doing, but don’t mess with my best friend,” Kara turned to warn him.

“Who said she wasn’t messing with me?”

Kara didn't even hesitate in announcing, “She wasn’t.”

“She was too!”

“Then you deserved it,” Kara finalized for them.

James stared between them and visibly contemplated what to do, but before he could decide on anything, Kara decided for them.

“We’re gonna go now,” she huffed. “C’mon, Lena.”

As her best friend turned around, Lena took the chance to smirk at the boy across from her, silently gloating over her win. It would always be a surprise to have someone that was so unconditionally in her corner, but it would always be welcomed - especially if that person was always Kara.

 

 

xx

 

 

“What was James even talking to you about at recess today?” Kara asked on their bus ride home.

After the altercation that afternoon at recess, Kara had led them to Lucy and dropped it at that, but now curious eyes met hers, and despite Lena's prior threats about telling Kara everything, when the time came, she almost didn’t want to. She knew Kara was friends with him and Lena didn’t want to be the person to ruin that. But she learned her lesson from the year before that keeping things from Kara never ended well.

“He wants to _win_ you,” Lena announced with an annoyed eye roll. “Like you're some prize at a fair or something.”

“Win me?” Kara adjusted her position in her seat and furrowed her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“He wants to have you so that no one else can,” Lena spat out what was said with bitterness. “He said if you're his girlfriend you'll have to listen to him, and that’s what he wants.”

“Oh,” Kara pursed her lips, clearly perplexed by the idea. “Is that how dating works?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

Lena sighed as she dejectedly voiced her real concern. “I think if you ever dated him, he'd tell you not to be my friend anymore.”

“I'd never date anyone who didn't want us to be friends,” Kara shrugged as if it were simple. “You come before any boy.”

“Good. Because you really are my best friend,” Lena forced a grin at the words. She was skeptical, but also grateful that Kara would say such a thing in the first place. “It'd hurt a lot if I ever lost you.”

“Yeah, well, you never will.” Kara didn't even seem to notice how much of a concern it was to the younger girl. It was obvious that, for once, someone wasn't reassuring her just to make her feel better. Kara was telling the truth. To make it even better, Kara continued, “When I say forever and ever, I mean that. It's a promise to you.”

“Me too,” Lena gave back a real grin this time. “Pinky swear on forever and ever?”

“Pinky swear, with all my heart,” Kara grinned back. “You'll never ever lose me.”

 

 

xx

 

 

That Halloween, it was Kara, Lena and Alex, but somehow the extra person was okay that time. Alex was beginning to feel like family too. It felt like she belonged with them, and it made Lena feel, just for a second, like she had a loving family of her own. Alex would always be more than welcome.

 

 

xx

 

 

On a Friday in November, Lillian informed Lena and her brother of the business meeting they had to attend to over Thanksgiving.

“We tried to get out of it,” she proclaimed, “but a manufacturer in China insists on flying in this week. Your dad and I will have to be at a three-day convention to discuss potential details of the deal.”

“We don't want to spend the holiday away from you, but this’ll be a really big trade if it goes through,” her dad explained. “If they can manufacture our new technology we’ll save more money than the two of you can imagine. This is just a test to see how bad we want it.”

“Uh-huh,” Lex grumbled, clearly unhappy with it all.

Lena, on the other hand, was trying to figure out if it was such a bad thing. Their holidays were filled with their mom’s micromanaging and endless arguments between the four of them, so if it meant a quiet day, maybe that was a blessing.

“Who’ll be here for Thanksgiving then?” she asked.

“We’re not sure yet, honey. We’re trying to convince Clara, but she has her own family.”

Lena slowly nodded at her dad’s explanation, still undecided if she was upset about this.

Her brother obviously already was. “Why is Mom going?” He angrily murmured. “It's not like _she_ runs the company.”

“All of the executives’ wives are going. It's a formal event,” her dad sighed. “I'm really sorry, you guys.”

“It's business,” Lena shrugged.

She knew she would miss her dad, but she understood, and it wasn't like it was Christmas. All she'd be doing was eating lots of food, and if she could do that without her mother’s nagging that was fine with her.

“I didn't know business was more important than family,” Lex sneered as he pushed out his chair and excused himself from their dinner altogether. “I'll be in my room.”

“Lex,” Lillian tried to call out. “I'm sorry!”

“If you were sorry, you wouldn't be going!” He called out from the staircase.

Lena watched her parents synchronously sigh, then turn to her.

“Are you okay, sweetie?” her dad was so concerned over what Lena was beginning to process as a good thing for her.

She tried her best to make her smile look sad, because she knew happiness wasn't the appropriate emotion. A part of her felt guilty for not being upset like Lex. This was her family, so she should want to be together with them on holidays. Yet, such a huge part of her dreaded all of that quality time with them, that she couldn't find it in her to be sad about it all.

“I'm okay. I understand. We get to live the way we do because you make sacrifices.”

Her mother actually beamed at her for once, nodding her head with approval for what might've been the first time. “ _That’s_ what being a Luthor is all about. Thank you, dear.”

“No problem,” she shrugged, continuing to eat the lemon-herbed chicken on her plate. “I hope you get the deal.”

“Me too,” her dad sighed. “And don't worry. I'll find a way to make the holiday special for you, even if we aren't here.”

 

 

xx

 

 

In the end, her dad didn't have to make Thanksgiving special, because Kara's mom took care of it. When word got to her about Lena’s parents being away, Eliza invited both her and Lex over to spend the holiday with them, insisting that she wouldn't take ‘no’ for an answer.

And somehow, even after abandoning her own children on Thanksgiving, Lena's mother was still hesitant of the idea. She overheard another heated argument between her parents of how her mother didn't trust ‘those Danvers’ while her dad had to remind her that if they didn't go over there, they had no where else to go.

“We have no extended family, we have no friends that would be willing to take them in, so if Eliza is offering–”

“And Lex? You don't think he'd feel out of place?” her mother tested.

Her dad just scoffed. “I think he'd feel a lot more out of place if he was sitting home alone.”

“Lena would be here.”

“Lena is going to Kara’s,” her dad insisted with finality. “If her best friend is offering her a place to spend the holiday, _she's_ going. Whether you want to send Lex or not is your prerogative.”

“We don't know this woman – we don't know this family!” her mother ranted.

Her dad stopped her, though, immediately arguing, “I _do_ know this family, because I've dropped her off there countless weekends and days off school. I know _that woman_ , because I talk to Eliza every time I pick Lena up from her play dates. _You're_ the one who refuses to be involved.”

“And you don't think she’s judging us for leaving our kids on Thanksgiving? You don’t think she’s calling us bad parents behind our backs?” her mother tossed out with venom. “She probably thinks we're awful!”

“Well, she's going to think we're a lot more awful if we force Lena to spend the holiday here, with a nanny she's never met, than with her second family,” her dad seethed. “Why can't you just see this as a good thing?”

“Because your son will be upset!” her mother yelled. “I know you care about Lena, but do you give a rats ass about him?”

“Of course I do, that's why I think he should go with!”

There was silence, then her mother’s voice came out stressed and strained. “Lionel, they don’t belong there.”

Her dad was quiet too for a moment, before proclaiming, “I don’t know about Lex, but Lena… she does. If you saw her… That’s where she’s happiest, Lil.”

“She should be happiest here.”

“She should be. But she’s not,” her dad sadly broke the news. “That home is where Lena feels safest.”

And Lena was fairly certain by then that her dad knew the reason for that was her mother, but he wisely didn’t mention it.

There was another moment of silence, then her mother resignedly asking, “I’m not going to win this one, am I?”

“You’re not,” her dad softly murmured. “Letting them go there is the right thing to do.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Thanksgiving day, the nanny dropped them off at Kara’s and a whoosh of blonde hair immediately barreled through the front door again to meet them at the car. Lena got out and received the largest hug, then Kara pulled away to look at the boy behind her.

“This is Lex,” Lena nervously introduced them for the first time. They’d both heard a lot about one another, but never had they met face-to-face. “Lex, this is Kara.”

“Nice to meet you!” Kara instantly beamed, despite her previously mentioned distaste. She extended a polite hand towards him. “I’m Kara.”

“Yeah. She said that already,” Lex grumbled.

Lena clenched her jaw and looked away, trying to keep her composure while it lasted. She wanted to scream at her brother for being rude to Kara, the _nicest_ girl in the world, but she held her tongue, because supposedly his attitude was just the fear of losing Lena in disguise.

Kara frowned and looked at Lena, who gave her a smile of reassurance before suggesting, “Let’s go inside.”

“Yeah! My cousins are here again and so are my aunts and uncles!”

“Oh, great.” Lena’s brother yet again muttered his words.

When they walked into the house, the smell of a Thanksgiving feast greeted them and Lena felt herself already get hungry. Kara’s family was sprawled across the house, all of them laughing and smiling, reminding Lena of what family should be. This holiday gathering was so much different than the ones she was used to.

“If it isn’t the infamous Lena, finally here!” A woman who Lena recognized as Kara’s Aunt Astra yelled through the living room as a greeting. “Kara has been talking about you all day!”

“I have not!” Lena’s best friend embarrassedly exclaimed.

“You have too,” Alex grinned alongside their aunt. “You haven’t shut up about how she’s coming.”

“She’s my _best friend_ ,” Kara emphasized. “How could I not be excited? You’ve all met her, haven’t you?”

“Yes, we’ve all been excited too,” Eliza warmly assured her. She gave a fond smile to Lena, then moved in for a warm Danvers-style hug. “How are you, sweetie?” When she pulled away, she looked past Lena to Lex and extended a hand the same way Kara had before. “You must be Lex. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Eliza.”

“Yeah,” Lex shrugged, then extended his hands with the dessert their mother had insisted they bring for appearances. “Here’s a pie.”

“You guys didn’t have to do that!” Kara’s mom took it, placing the hand without a pie on Lena’s shoulder to give her another look that reminded Lena of what a mother’s love must be. “We’re just so glad you could come.”

Lena looked at her brother who still looked nothing but unhappy, then shook his demeanor off and smiled back at Eliza. “I’m really glad we could too.”

“Yeah! How many people can say that they spent Thanksgiving with their best friend in the whole wide world?” Kara interjected.

Alex laughed at them from across the room and told her aunt, “She’s always like this when it comes to her.”

“Hm,” Aunt Astra hummed. “ _Interesting_.”

Lena wanted to know why it was so interesting, but before she could ask Kara grabbed her hand and pulled her into the kitchen to show her the appetizers. Lena watched her grab two pieces of a food she’d never even seen before as she moaned, “Ugh, these are my favorite. I only get them on special occasions.”

“What are they?”

Apparently that was a dumb question, because Kara’s jaw dropped in shock. “You’ve never had a potsticker?”

Lena laughed, telling her, “I’ve never even heard of them.”

“Then you haven’t _lived_ ,” her best friend informed her as she grabbed a plate and moved three pieces on it. She held it out to Lena as she excitedly ordered her to try it.

Lena looked at it skeptically. It didn’t look like the most appetizing thing, but she also didn’t want to let Kara down, so she hesitantly tried the odd-looking food that she had never seen before. As she bit into it she rose her eyebrows in surprise, because it _was_ pretty good. She’d give Kara that much.

“They’re the best thing to ever exist, right?” Kara hounded her.

“Maybe not the _best_ , but they’re close,” Lena agreed. “What are they called again?”

“Potstickers. They're my absolute favorite.”

 _Potstickers_ , Lena silently repeated it to herself. _Potstickers_ were Kara's favorite. _Potstickers_. She'd have to remember that, because her mission in life was to commit all of Kara's favorite things to memory and never forget them.

“I’m gonna remember that,” Lena grinned, watching as Kara scarfed another one down before grabbing three more.

And even though all through growing up Lena’s mother had taught her that inhaling food like that was appalling, Lena couldn’t help but notice how Kara still looked mesmerizing as she did it. Then, she remembered that Kara was Kara, so that meant she'd probably look mesmerizing doing anything. That's just who her best friend was.

 

 

xx

 

 

During Thanksgiving dinner, Lena sat with Kara on one side of her and Lex on the other while Alex grumbled about how she shouldn't be stuck at the kids table again.

“I'm fourteen. I'm going into _high school_ next year,” she complained. “And Clark gets to eat in there.”

“Clark is in college.”

“So?” Alex scoffed at her sister’s logic. “I want to be in there too.”

Lena watched as Kara stared down at her plate, shuffling the food around, yet not eating any. Eventually, she looked up and timidly asked, “You don't want to eat with me anymore?”

“Kara,” Alex chimed. “It's not like that. I love eating with you.”

Lena watched as Kara pursed her lips. “Then why do you want to be over there so bad?”

Alex glanced over to where the adults were seated, just sighing, “I just can’t wait to be grown up.”

Lena followed her gaze and nodded. “Me too.”

For once that night, Lex curtly joined in. “Yeah.”

“ _Why_?” Kara looked around the table, seeming to be absolutely baffled by the three of them. “All the adults I know think the world is bad and don’t trust anyone. I never want to grow up and think that way. Being a kid is awesome.”

Lena smiled at Kara's optimism, but Lex mumbled a loud-and-clear, “That’s stupid.”

“Lex,” Lena hissed. She turned to Kara with a reassuring grin after. “That's _inspiring_.”

“How?” Her brother challenged her. “Just because it's what precious Kara said? The world isn't good and we both know it, Lena. It sucks! Don't fall into her naivety.”

“Watch how you talk about my sister,” Alex jumped at his tone. “I think her outlook is brave.”

“Me too,” Lena proclaimed. “The world needs more people who think like she does – who believe the world is good and kind.”

Her brother rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Say what you want. Me and you both know how the world really is.”

Lena stared him down, not understanding why he was acting like this but knowing she didn't like it. She knew her and Lex were more exposed to how cruel people could be than Kara and Alex were, but that didn't mean everything had to be bad.

“I think the world is a better place than you believe it to be,” Lena defied him.

“Yeah, but would you say that if _she_ wasn't here?” Her brother glanced to Kara again.

Lena sat quietly, not because she was stumped, but because she was so, so angry and didn’t trust herself to speak civilly. How could he talk about Kara like that? Especially right in front of her. She could’ve hit him for being so rude.

“I think you should be quiet now, Lex,” she eventually seethed, quiet but deadly. “Stop talking while you can.”

Alex anxiously looked between the two of them while Kara stared at her plate, none of them eating as a heavy silence settled in. After a while, they all timidly ate again, but the conversation was never quite the same.

And even though the topic was dropped, as soon as dinner was finished, Lex pulled her aside to warn, “Don't let Kara brainwash you. Don't let yourself be stupid, don’t fall to her level.”

Lena clenched her jaw and jutted out her chin, spitting out, “Kara is not the stupid one when it comes to the two of you, I’ll make that clear right now.”

Her brother rose his eyebrows, then coolly spoke their mother’s infamous words. “We’re Luthors, Lena.”

She let out a dark laugh and shook her head. “So, what? We're better than them because of it?”

“We are,” he confidently proclaimed. “We’re so far above this family that it's laughable.”

For the first time, Lena faltered from shock that her brother could really be that far gone. “Do you honestly believe that?”

“I do, because it's true,” Lex shrugged. He looked around the house with disdain, then focused back in on Lena. “We’re better than this way of living.”

Lena stared at him in distress, because for the first time she didn't recognize who her brother was anymore. The old Lex would’ve never said something like that, and Lena was wondering when the two of them started to think so differently from one another.

“I think you should call Emily. Tell her you're ready to go home,” she instructed a few seconds later. “You’re right. _You_ don’t belong here.”

The two of them stared at each other with challenge, but Lena refused to back down. In her eyes, he was no longer welcomed in this family. He had just made it perfectly clear how he shouldn’t be here, nor did he even deserve to be a part of the Danvers’ holiday celebration.

“Fine,” he shrugged as if it didn't bother him at all. “But just remember, you can’t change your last name. Whether you like it or not, you'll always be a Luthor.”

Lena stared after him as he stormed away, unable to stop wondering why she felt like being a Luther was such a bad thing. Everyone else in her family was so proud of their stupid last name, yet all that was bubbling in the pit of Lena's stomach was resentment from it. If being a Luthor meant she was supposed to think she was above people, she didn’t want to be one. Because she wasn't better than Kara or Alex, or anyone, for that matter. She didn't want to be. All she wanted to be was an equal. She wanted to belong, she wanted to do good by the people around her, just like she saw Kara do every day.

Having the last name Luthor didn't mean a thing if it meant seeing the world as a bad place or cutting people out just because they weren’t rich. Lena didn't know how her brother couldn't see that.

 

 

xx

 

 

After Lex went home and Kara's family began to dwindle out one by one, Lena found herself tucked under Kara's covers as they laid side by side. Kara was soundlessly staring at the ceiling as Lena nervously looked around the room, because something must be wrong. Kara was never silent otherwise.

“Are you okay?” she finally asked.

Kara jumped at the sudden noise in the room, but quickly relaxed beside her again. “Yeah. Just thinking.”

“About what?”

Lena felt the bed shift from Kara's fidgeting as she took a deep breath beside her. When she spoke, her voice was so meek, and Lena hated her brother for causing it. “Do you think I'm stupid too? For thinking the world is a good place?”

The words pierced the air and Lena found herself moving closer to her best friend, pressing their bodies together to murmur, “It's the farthest thing from dumb. My brother’s an idiot.”

There was quiet again, then Kara reminding them how, “Idiot isn’t a nice thing to say.”

“No, but it's the right thing,” Lena dejectedly sighed. “He was so mean to you, and I'm really sorry for that. You're not dumb, Kar. And Alex is right. You're very brave for thinking the way you think.”

She watched as Kara thought over the reply, then let out an airy laugh. “Then why do I just feel stupid?”

“Because you're listening to my brother. So, don’t. Listen to me instead,” Lena pled. “It takes a really special person to see past all the bad on TV and realize people are still good. And you are that special person because _you're_ good. And when you make it so obvious that you're good, most people are good to you back, because that's how the world works.” Lena looked over to see Kara looking right back. She made her final statements profound, trying to ensure Kara heard them crystal clear. “My brother is not a good person. He isn't like you. Which means people aren't good to him back. He makes an enemy out of everyone he meets – even me. Meanwhile, you make a friend. So, I think that makes you a really good person, and I don't think there's anything dumb about that. That's why I said it's inspiring.”

Kara wore a smile at the kind sentiment. Her eyes were squinted the way they got when she was extremely happy and Lena felt on top of the world for causing that. “You really think so?”

“With all my heart,” Lena promised. She extended her hand for Kara to grab, and when she did, told her, “I think as we grow up, people are going to start being more and more like my brother, and they'll begin to think the world is bad too. And… I don't know… I really hope you never do. Because you've shown me how it's not. The world isn't a bad place to be at all. You can't ever stop believing that.”

“I guess I won't, then,” Kara beamed. She let go of Lena's hand to clutch both arms around hers then proclaimed, “I'm so lucky to know you, you know?”

Lena just scoffed. “I think it's the other way around.”

Kara stared at her, seemingly deep in thought until she shrugged out, “Nah, I know it's not.”

“And since you know it, it must be right, huh?” Lena quizzed.

“Yup.”

She squinted at her best friend, debating whether or not to challenge the claim, because it truly was _Lena_ who was lucky to know Kara, but eventually she let it go. “Well, if you say so, I guess I'll have to believe you.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Eliza offered for Lena to sleepover that night and her father approved it, but as soon as she got home she was pounding on her brother’s closed bedroom door. When he opened it, he looked bored and unimpressed.

“What was wrong with you last night?” she found herself yelling despite promising herself to stay calm on the way over.

“Don't be so dramatic,” he rolled his eyes. “I told everyone I didn't want to go.”

“Then why did you? The Danvers are my second family and you were so rude to them! And Kara–” Lena cut herself off, trying to recollect herself despite being unable to. “Kara is my best friend, and you were horrible to her! What's the matter with you?”

“They're beneath you, Lena. Just look at where they live, if you don’t believe me. It's _sad_.”

“It's homey,” she argued. “That house is an eighth of the size of this mansion, yet feels one-hundred times better!”

“Then go live there!” Her brother raised his voice to match hers. “If it's so great over there, go live there! They'd clearly love to have you! Be their sister, for all I care, because you certainly aren't mine.”

Even with all the tension between the two of them the past year, Lena’s face still fell from the disappointment and hurt that came with his words. Things had been pretty bad between them lately, but he'd never said that before. He'd never disowned her as a sister.

She felt herself tearing up, but wasn't going to let Lex see her cry over it.

“Whatever,” she muttered as she stormed away.

But her brother must've seen the tears in her eyes, because suddenly he was sympathetic and regretful. “Lena, wait! I'm sorry! I didn't mean that!”

She wiped her eyes before turning around and disgustfully shaking her head, because, “We both know you did.”

They stared at each other as more tears fell down Lena’s face from being so hurt, but Lex didn't take bother to comfort her any more than that. That was all Lena needed to be certain of herself. He meant what he said wholeheartedly.

“I'll be in my room.”

Her not-brother didn't call after her again, letting her walk away that time. It was the first time Lena realized that they were more than likely too broken to repair. Maybe he really wasn't her brother anymore, maybe she really did lose him. Then again, maybe she was never a Luthor to begin with. That idea felt truer with every passing day.

 

 

xx

 

 

That Christmas, Lena used her saved up allowances to buy Kara an iPod like hers. Kara had been eyeing Lena’s on their bus rides a lot lately, and it didn't go unnoticed, despite Kara never mentioning it aloud. Lena’s parents weren't as thrilled by the gift idea, but there was no talking her out of it. She was getting her best friend an iPod.

Her dad brought her to the store in mid-December, repeatedly asking, “Are you _sure_ this is what you want to get her? It's a lot of money.”

“I know. But this is what Kara deserves.”

Her dad was still clearly hesitant, but he allowed it nonetheless as they walked to the cash register, and Lena walked out holding a brand new iPod to give to her best friend. When she got home, she burned three blank CDs too, so Kara could listen to the songs that made Lena think of her.

She couldn't wait for Christmas.

 

 

xx

 

 

The last day of school before Christmas break, Lena got off the bus at Kara's stop for her for a pre-arranged play date. Eliza was expecting them both and Lena's insides were bubbling, because today was the day she was giving Kara her gift. She had carefully tucked it in her backpack that morning and repeatedly checked to make sure it was still there throughout the day. It was the _perfect_ present.

Lena had planned to give it to Kara after dinner, but she was too antsy and ended up pulling it out the second they were alone together in Kara's room.

“I brought you your present today,” she mentioned as she pulled the four neatly wrapped objects out of her backpack. The CDs were obvious due to their shape, but Lena knew Kara would never be expecting the highly talked about, newly released MP3 player.

“You got me _four_ things?” Kara's eyes bulged out.

Lena just shrugged. “Three of them were free because I already had them.”

She watched Kara pause for a moment, then get the widest grin as she rushed to her closet to get Lena's. “I got you stuff too.”

“Cool,” Lena smiled. “What is it?”

“Open them!” Kara exclaimed.

She moved to do just that, her smile growing wider when she saw it was the next Harry Potter book she was due to read. Kara had found it odd she hadn't started It yet and Lena awkwardly explained how she didn't have enough money to buy the new one and couldn’t find them at the library. At the time, they were both too young for Kara to question the billion-dollar heiress.

“Thank you!” Lena beamed, moving on to the next one. Once again, Kara hit the jackpot as she opened it to reveal a Ravenclaw scarf. “Where'd you find this?”

“Well, I asked Alex to help me. I remember we saw that one fifth-grader a few weeks ago and you thought it was so cool, because you felt like you'd be a Ravenhawk if you went to Hogwarts too – whatever that is,” she smiled at Lena's reaction. “I'm glad you like it.”

“I love it!” She exclaimed, not bothering to correct Kara that it was _Ravenclaw_. If anything, knowing that her best friend couldn't care less about the series, yet still went out of her way to find the scarf she'd wanted made this all the more special.

“There's one more,” Kara gestured to the third present.

Lena couldn't wipe the smile off her face, grabbing the third one with bliss. “You didn't need to get me any presents, never mind three.”

“This one was free, just like yours.”

That intrigued her as she moved to open the final gift, and when she did it revealed the same scrapbook she had given Kara the year before, this time with a picture of them in its front window.

“I filled it out for this year. I thought we could switch off. That way we both get to help make it.”

Lena opened it to find pictures of them from the past three Halloweens and gap-toothed smiles from the first time Lena had ever visited the Danvers’. There were pictures of the last Fourth of July they’d spent together and some with the two of them and Alex. Lena saw Kara had glued old Valentine's Day cards and tickets from movies they'd gone to, and their zoo trip too.

“It's amazing! It looks so good!”

“Thanks! Now it's your turn,” Kara gestured. “Your pages will probably look _way_ better than mine. You're the best at everything we do.”

“That's not true,” Lena felt her face get hot again.

“It is too true! But that's okay. It's so cool being best friends with the girl who's best at everything,” Kara told her with a huge grin and not an ounce of jealousy.

Lena smiled at the compliment, this time gracefully accepting it and motioning to Kara's gift. “Open yours now! Start with the squares.”

“These must be CDs,” Kara mused aloud. “They have to be!”

“Open them!” Lena ushered again. “Look!”

Kara listened this time, grinning as she pulled out the blank CDs and looked at the handmade CD booklet Lena had included.

“They're songs that make me think of you or sound like something you'd like.”

Kara looked up to her with a playful glint in her eyes. “Are they super sad, then?”

“ _No_. I know you don't like sad and depressing. They're mostly upbeat,” Lena laughed. “And they go along with your next gift.”

“They do?” Kara crinkled her eyebrows in confusion, grabbing the only present that was left unopened. “What do you mean?”

“Look and see.” She tried to sound mysterious, but couldn't hide her excitement. She knew Kara would love it.

Sure enough, when it was opened, Kara's jaw dropped in awe and she looked to Lena in shock. “This is for _me_?”

“It is. I could tell you wanted one from when I listen to music on the bus.”

“Oh my god!” Kara laughed. “Oh my god! This is so cool! How'd you get it?”

“I saved up my allowances. That's why I didn’t get the Harry Potter book yet,” she bashfully explained. “I couldn't wait to give it to you.”

Kara kept staring at it in awe, then looked up to Lena with guilt. “This must've taken you _years_ to save up for. I can't take it.”

It was time for Lena to awkwardly purse her lips and avoid eye contact, because she realized she never really had gotten around to telling Kara how different their allowances were. She knew Kara got ten dollars a week for doing chores around the house, but Lena made about six times that for doing nothing.

“My allowances are a little bigger than yours. I didn't have to save for too long. Don't worry.”

“Your allowances are more than mine?” Kara gawked. “I thought ten dollars was a lot! How much are yours?”

“A lot more,” Lena tried to brush it off, suddenly embarrassed over exactly how much money her family had. “Like… sixty?”

“Sixty _dollars_?” Kara nearly shouted. “Holy cow! That's a ton!”

“I know. Which is why I could buy you an iPod. So, you need to take it. Okay?”

Kara looked down at the new device, unsurely staring at it, but eventually nodding, “Okay. If you're _sure_.”

“I'm sure,” she promised. She opened the scrapbook again to stare at the pictures and not have to see the look in Kara's eyes as she put together how Lena might be richer than she’d led on all those years. She couldn't help but run her fingers over the glossed over photos. “We’re the cutest best friends ever.”

Kara didn't bother to break her stare from Lena, but nodded her head as she watched her look over the collection of photographs. “We really, really are.”

 

 

xx

 

 

When Lena's dad picked her up that night, Eliza was quick to greet him at the front door. Her and Kara stayed in the kitchen to finish the Christmas cookies they were eating, but Lena could hear them talking from there.

“Hey,” Eliza greeted him with her usual warmth. “Come in! They're just finishing up a snack.”

“Cool,” her dad sounded happy. “Did they have fun?”

“They did! Yeah, they did,” Eliza came across like she was in a faraway world. “Uh, they opened presents, and Kara showed me the iPod Lena got her. It's really nice.”

“Lena was sure she'd love it,” her dad laughed along. “I'm glad she did.”

“It's expensive.”

“Yeah, well, it was bought with her own money. And she insisted that that was how she wanted to spend it,” her dad shrugged as if a multi-hundred dollar purchase was that simple.

Eliza was quiet for a moment, then murmured, “She didn't have to do that. Are you sure you don't want us to return it?”

“No, no. No, she can't do that. In Lena's eyes, she _did_ have to do it. She’d be hurt if it was returned.”

Eliza remained quiet yet again, anxiously asking, “Are you sure?”

“I'm sure,” her dad promised. “And Lena was sure. I talked to her about it a lot beforehand and spending that money was her decision.”

There was silence for a third time, then Kara's mom cautiously approved. “Okay. I feel really bad, though. It costs so much.”

“True, but my family has a lot of that, so to Lena, it was nothing,” her dad tried to explain as politely as he could. “Call it a perk of being best friends with a Luthor, I guess. I hope Kara enjoys it. And if it makes you feel better, I wouldn't allow such an expensive gift if it was for anyone other than your daughter. Lena cares about her so much, and it's so obvious that Kara feels the same.”

“She does,” Eliza’s smile was audible. “That she definitely does. Probably more than we both know.”

“I agree,” her dad echoed. “I think they're gonna be friends for a long, long time.”

“Forever and ever?” Eliza asked. “That's what they say, you know? They promise each other they'll be best friends forever and ever.”

“So, I've heard,” her dad laughed along. “But as crazy as it sounds, I think they just might.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena had heard of making New Year’s resolutions and the annual gala her family went to every year, but unbeknownst to her, most people actually _celebrated_ New Years Eve – not in the gala sense, but the fun, party sense. They stayed up until midnight and blew horns and ate junk food, and, once again, Lena had no idea until Kara told her.

“You've never stayed up?” Kara gawked on the 30th of December, when it became clear Lena had never heard of New Year's Eve being anything out of the ordinary. “I try to, but usually I only make it ’til eleven. I have hope for this year though.”

Lena smiled at Kara's youthfulness. “I have faith in you.”

“Thanks,” she grinned. “You should come over again tomorrow and spend it with us. I want you to see how fun it is!”

“Oh,” Lena bit her lip. “I want to, but I don't think my parents will let me.”

“I'll ask my mom to talk to your dad. She’s really convincing, and I _really_ want you there,” Kara insisted. “It'd be extra fun if you were there.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Kara wasn't lying when she said Eliza was convincing, because somehow she had gotten her parents to allow her to sleepover. Granted, her mother made a fuss about it, but she still let her in the end. And Kara's family didn't disappoint with their celebration.

They stayed up late, with her parents sipping wine and Alex and Kara eating all the junk food they could find. Eliza had bought special snacks for the three kids, even going out of her way to get cool ranch Doritos just because she knew they were Lena’s favorite and she only got to eat them there. By the end of the night, Lena found herself counting down while wearing cheap sunglasses and a cheesy hat with fur on it, and it was all so _fun_. She couldn't remember having that much fun before, and was in awe that Kara did it every year.

When the hype died down after the countdown, and they were sharing space on Kara's twin-sized bed, Lena nudged her and mentioned, “You stayed up until midnight.”

“I know! But I couldn't have done it without you,” Kara proclaimed. “I mean, New Year's Eve has always been super fun, but _nothing_ compares to how fun things are when you're there. This was the best.”

“Yeah?” Lena asked, laying flat on her back to take it all in.

“Oh, _totally_ ,” Kara promised. “You make everything better. You know that.”

And to that very day, it still shocked Lena that someone could think such a thing about her, because until Kara, all she seemed to do was make everything worse. It was incredible that for someone, she could make it all better. Hearing that would never get old.

 

 

xx

 

 

That February, Lena found herself at Kara's again, eating another cheaply made heart-shaped pizza, feeling more at home than ever.

 

 

xx

 

 

It was March when Lena's dad knocked on her door to approach her about the best thing ever. He seemed overly-serious and concerned, as he walked in and sat on her bed, placing one hand on her knee. His first comments made Lena become nervous at first.

“I know you like Kara very much,” he started. “And you're over there a lot more lately…”

“Yeah,” Lena held her breath at the uncertainty of what that meant. Her dad didn't sound upset about it, or like he was going to rip them apart like her mother had always wanted, but for the first time he seemed cautious.

“And I know her family likes you very much too. You're like their third daughter,” he gave a small smile. “They've become quite fond of my little girl.”

“Yeah,” she once again murmured, still unsure of what he was getting at.

“Well, Eliza called me today – to tell me exactly how fond she is of you and how much their family adores you.” His smile grew larger. “She wanted me to know that you're very special to them, and she wanted to ask me a question that I'd like to talk to you about.”

“Okay…” Lena dragged out, sitting up straighter on her bed. “Is it bad?”

“No, it's not bad at all. I think you'll think it's wonderful actually, but I still wanted to ask, just in case.”

“Okay. What is it, then?”

“Well, I'm not sure if Kara told you, but her family is going on vacation to Disneyland this summer.”

“Yeah, she told me,” Lena smiled. “She's so excited. I told her how cool the one we went to in Paris was.”

“That was pretty cool,” her dad agreed. “But Eliza called to ask me if it was alright if they invited you to come along.”

“Like, go to Disneyland with them?” Lena double-checked. “They want to bring _me_?”

Her dad laughed at her shock mixed with excitement, confirming, “They do. They _really_ do, actually. They were pretty insistent on it.”

“Wow,” she murmured. “Well, can I?”

“If you want to, your mother and I agreed it'd be a good thing,” her dad smiled. “But I want to talk to you about serious stuff. Like you need to stay with her family. No wandering around or exploring by yourself.”

“Understood.”

“And you can't let them pay for anything. I'll give you money for your time there and pay for your flight and hotel. And I'm going to give you extra money for you to give to her parents for their hospitality. If they don't accept it, slip it in their purse or suitcase at the end of the trip. Okay?”

“Done,” Lena confirmed. “What else?”

“Well, I'm going to buy you a cell phone before you go – not a fancy one, but I want you to call me every night and make sure it's charged at all times, in case of emergencies. No exceptions. I want to know you're okay,” he lectured. “Can you promise me you'll do that?”

“I _promise_ ,” she eagerly agreed to the condition. “Is that all?”

“No. The last thing is, whatever you do, do not advertise that you're a Luthor. I'm not sending any security with you, but I don't want you to become a target.”

Lena frowned at that one, not quite understanding. “Why would being a Luthor make me a target?”

Her dad stared at her and sighed, placing a comfortable pat on her knee. “Well, because we have the money we have, there are some very bad people in the world who would do anything to get it. I don't want anyone to put you in harm’s way.”

“They won't!” Lena exclaimed, innocently reassuring him, “Kara would never let that happen.”

Her dad laughed at a joke that Lena didn't get, nodding to say, “I'm glad a nine-year-old can be that strong.”

Lena smiled along, too happy to catch that her dad’s remark was sarcasm. “But I can go? I get to go with them to Disneyland?”

“You do,” her dad approved. “You and Kara are going to Disneyland.”

 

 

xx

 

 

The rest of the school year seemed to fly by for them and before Lena knew it her long-awaited summer vacation with Kara was there. They were at the airport Lena had been to plenty of times before, but this time she wore a large smile as she stared at Kara's awe from the experience. Apparently, she had never been on a plane before, so every step they went through she had an excited comment on.

“ _Those security machines look scary.”_

_“Woah, there's food courts at airports? It's like the mall!”_

And when their flight was delayed, no one seemed to care after Kara's eager, _“So, we get to sit and look at the big airplanes even longer? Yes! I love vacations!”_

What Lena's family found as the biggest inconvenience, Kara's family didn't seem to mind. The five of them sat at the window together as they waited for their delayed flight, Kara and Lena propped up on their knees to look out the window at all the planes coming in and taking off. When Lena looked over and saw Kara's wide smile, she wondered why her own family got so upset about this in the first place. Because Kara was right. Waiting around wasn't so bad when you looked at planes.

“Do you ever wonder where all these people are going?” Kara asked as another plane took off outside. “Are they going back home or are they going on vacation like us?”

“I don't know,” Lena hummed. “It looks like most of the people on our plane are going on vacation, though.”

“Yeah. Our plane is lucky,” Kara happily sighed. She turned around to sit down on her chair for the first time since their delay was announced, looking to Lena with curiosity. “It's weird that you've never been to Disneyland.”

“Neither have you,” Lena scoffed back. “And I went in Paris, remember?”

“Yeah, but that's not the same,” Kara shrugged. “You said it was all in a different language.”

“I know basic French.”

“Still,” Kara smiled at her defensiveness. “You go to all these other countries, but never do the fun stuff here.”

“Well, my vacations aren't exactly up to me,” Lena wryly remarked. “My mom decides, then we all go.”

“Why doesn't she ask you or Lex? The kids are supposed to decide,” Kara naively informed her.

Lena just smiled at how Kara was raised, softly shaking her head. “Not in my family.”

Kara hesitated before she said it, but eventually professed, “Your family kind of stinks.”

“I know,” Lena laughed. “But that's why I have yours, right?”

“Right,” Kara grinned. “You'll have mine for as long as you'll have me. And you know how long that is?”

Lena knew where she was going with this, but she wanted to hear Kara say it. She loved hearing her say it. “How long?”

“Forever and ever,” Kara laughed. “You'll always have us.”

Lena smiled, then double-checked, “And I'll always have you?”

“And you'll always have me,” Kara chimed. “Forever and ever.”

 

 

xx

 

 

When they reached their hotel, Kara's eyes were wide with amazement. She was looking at everything in absolute awe, pointing out every Disney decoration they passed with an insurmountable amount of giddiness.

“There's Ariel!” Kara animatedly hit Lena’s arm so she'd turn fast enough to see. “Did you see it? The sign?”

“That's awesome,” Lena smiled along, despite having missed the sign altogether.

“I love this already!” Kara kept taking in everything around her. “This is gonna be the best vacation ever.”

 

 

xx

 

 

And in Lena's mind it was. It really and truly was the best vacation she’d ever had. By the end, her and Kara had gotten a picture together with every mascot, some of them cute and some of them sillier than ever. Lena loved those ones. She loved all the pictures they took where her and Kara were being goofy, because Lena had never seen that side of herself recorded before.

She liked the bunny ears Kara gave her in the one restaurant where they'd gotten great hot dogs and she liked the one where Kara was hoisted up on her back for a piggy back ride. She especially loved the one of them waiting in line for one of the rides, where her outfit was crinkled and her hair was messed up in a way that her mother would never approve of.

For the first time, Lena saw candid pictures of a vacation that she was having fun on. Her pictures from France and Germany and England had cool sightseeing experiences, but they were full of forced smiles and unhappy perfection. These pictures showed who Lena wanted to be. They weren't perfect, but she had never seen herself look so happy in a photograph before.

And the end of their vacation, where Kara fell asleep on Lena's shoulder on their plane ride back, was just icing on the cake. She looked so peaceful laying there, and it made Lena refuse to reposition herself when she became uncomfortable, because she didn’t want to disturb her.

Her trip to Disneyland with Kara’s family was the first vacation she could remember that she didn't long to go home even once. She wished she could stay there forever, actually. This time around, she understood why people called Disney parks the happiest place on Earth. Because if you went with the right people, they were. They really, really were.

 

 

xx

 

 

When she got back home, Lena’s life seemed even more mundane than usual. Her and Lex still avoided each other at every turn and it was horrible to only see Kara once a week after spending five days of being with her 24/7. The rest of summer she found herself longing over and over again to go back to Disney, where everything was perfect.

The rest of her summer was mostly spent talking to Kara on the cell phone she'd gotten for their vacation. Her dad had said she could keep it and Lena thought it was the coolest thing, purely because Kara now had a direct line to her. No one could interfere with their calls anymore or say Lena wasn't available when she was.

“I can't wait for school to start,” Kara sighed near the end of their summer break. “I just want to see you five days a week again. Even if it does mean learning.”

“You like learning.”

“No, _you_ like learning, so I'm forced to like learning so I can keep up,” Kara quipped with the wit she was beginning to develop from her sister. Then, she sounded perturbed. “School means I have to deal with Winn and James again, though.”

“Yeah, but I thought you liked them as friends,” Lena mentioned.

Kara let out a heavy breath and her shaking of the head was audible. “I do like them as friends, but at the end of last year they made everything so awkward. It was like they were fighting over me when I don't like either of them in that way.”

“That makes sense,” Lena hesitantly mumbled, despite not knowing how that felt. “Sounds awkward.”

“It is,” Kara muttered. “And Alex thinks it's hilarious. She calls it a love triangle.”

“What's that?” Lena asked the only person she wasn't embarrassed to not know things in front of.

“It's confusing,” Kara admitted. “If she explained it to you, you'd get it, but I'm not as smart as you. I think it's when two boys like the same girl and I’m supposed to pick one? I don't really know, though.”

“You're smarter than you think,” Lena praised. “I'm sure that's right. Or at least, close to right.”

“Maybe,” Kara offered. “I just can't wait to see you.”

Lena felt her stomach flip at Kara's excitement and murmured, “I can't wait to see you too.”

“Good,” Kara grinned. “Just nine more days?”

“Eight,” Lena corrected.

That made Kara sound even happier. “Just eight more days.”

“Yeah,” Lena confirmed, just as happy as her best friend was. “Then we’ll be reunited.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me on tumblr: shes-cured.tumblr.com
> 
> I hope you liked it and that the length makes up for the wait :)


	6. fifth grade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, I got a concussion at work from a student hitting me in the face every day last week (it's okay, I work at a therapeutic day school for kids with autism who are too severe for the public school, so it's practically expected to happen eventually). ANYWAY that means there may be typos in this or stuff that doesn't make sense bc I proof-read it today so if there are my apologies!! be gentle :)

 

Fifth grade was a tough year for a multitude of reasons, but it started being a tough year due to James and Winn’s obsession over Kara. Over the summer their competition seemed to escalate, despite neither of them seeing her. By the time school resumed, they were constantly trying to top one another, both of them pulling stunt over stunt to impress Kara.

And that was annoying in itself, but to Lena, it wasn't the worst part. The worst part was how Kara seemed to enjoy it. When she confronted Kara about it, she claimed she just enjoyed the attention, but a skeptical part of Lena couldn't help but wonder how true that was. If _she_ gave Kara that sort of attention, it didn't seem like Kara would like it so much. It seemed like she enjoyed that it came from _them_. And Lena couldn't understand why that made her so angry. All she knew was that it shouldn't.

 

 

xx

 

 

It was the beginning of October when James approached Lena again. Day-by-day he was becoming less scrawny, as his frame began to fill out. He looked firmer and tougher now, and walked with an aura of confidence that he hadn't had before, but Lena still thought he was the most immature kid in their grade. He was trying so hard to act older than he was, yet all it did was make him seem like a jerk. And that couldn't be more apparent when he came up to her with a favor.

When Lena once again broke the news that she wouldn't put in a good word for him, the snarl rolled of James’ lips so loud that it was clear he just wanted to be heard. “I know you're best friends with her, but why do you have to be such a _bitch_ about it?”

The swear word sounded so vicious considering no one had ever called her that before, but she saw the smugness in James eyes and the way he looked around to silently brag about how cool he was for saying a bad word. The people who overheard fell silent as they eavesdropped on their conversation, because in fifth grade, the whole world seemed to stop when someone said a swear word.

“Just because I won't do what you want doesn't make me a… whatever,” Lena huffed, not willing to say the word herself. “You think you're so cool, but you're not.”

“I'm cooler than you,” he quipped.

And before Lena could even defend herself, Lucy was stepping in for her, reminding him, “Not to Kara, you're not. Lena is her favorite person in the world and no one will ever be cooler in her eyes.”

James pursed his lips, then spat out, “We’ll see about that.”

“No. We won't,” Lucy was blunt. She fearlessly took a step closer to him, seeming to be much less intimidated than Lena was from the whole ordeal. “If you knew the first thing about the girl you're so _in love_ with, you’d know that no one will ever come before Lena to her. That's just how it is.”

Lena watched the stare down before her while half of their class watched from the sidelines, all of them seeming to hold their breaths while they waited for a winner. Eventually, James just scowled and sauntered off, apparently having nothing to say to that, despite being the one to cause the scene in the first place.

Only when he was gone, did Lena speak up for the first time. “Thanks.”

“Sure thing. He's rude,” Lucy rolled her eyes. “Someone had to put him in his place. And you couldn't say that without sounding full of yourself.”

“Yeah,” Lena agreed. But she crinkled her eyebrows, after a moment asking, “Do you really believe those things, though? About me and Kara?”

“How you'll always come first to her?”

“Yeah,” Lena nodded. “You think that's true?”

“Oh, I _know_ that's true,” Lucy promised matter-of-factly. “The one thing I know for sure about Kara is that you'll always be the most important person in her life. The rest of her, you know more than me, but I'm absolutely positive about that.”

“Huh,” Lena chimed, looking off to her unbothered best friend in the distance. Lena laughed at her obliviousness, because she had clearly missed the whole thing. “Good to know.”

“You're always gonna come before that guy,” Lucy told her with complete confidence. “And if one day you don't, and he somehow sweeps her off her feet, I'll make sure you win again. Mark my words.”

Lena gave her a knowing smirk. “You don't like him either?”

“Not one bit,” Lucy rolled her eyes. “Kara better never give in. He's pathetic.”

“I think so too,” Lena shook her head, subtly glaring at him from afar. “I definitely think so too.”

 

 

xx

 

 

On the bus, despite not being a witness to the confrontation earlier in the day, Kara pounced on Lena first thing. For the first time, Lena saw what it looked like when she was seething as she growled about, “I promise you, I will never be James’ girlfriend.”

Lena paused, then timidly smiled. She didn't know why, but it was embarrassing that she was called a bitch by someone. “Someone told you what happened?”

“Lucy did and I – I – I can’t believe he called you that!” Kara stuttered, seeming to unable to form a coherent sentence. “He's so mean, and I am – I will never ever _ever_ date someone like that! I promise.”

“It's not a big deal,” Lena tried to downplay it, feeling her cheeks go red. “He was just being James.”

“He was being a jerk! I told him I'm not even going to be his friend any more because of what he said to you, then he called me a baby!”

Lena pursed her lips, then gave a reassuring smile. “You're not a baby, Kar.”

“And you're not the ’B’ word!” Kara kept ranting. “You're the nicest, bestest person I've ever met. I can't believe anyone would think otherwise.”

Lena grimaced, stating the wry truth that, “He only said it because he likes you.”

“Yeah, well, I don't ever want to be his friend again,” Kara defensively crossed her arms. “I've never been so mad at anyone before.”

And maybe it wasn't right, maybe it was a little selfish, but all Lena felt was privileged at seeing Kara so upset on her behalf. No one had never cared for her so fiercely, and Lena felt honored that the first person who did was someone as wonderful as Kara Danvers.

After a moment more of letting Kara glare out the window, Lena placed a hand on her thigh to appreciate, “Thanks for being such a good friend.”

“Thanks for being one back,” Kara reciprocated, still huffing with anger. Then, she frowned and her voice softened as she murmured, “I'm sorry someone was so mean to you.”

Lena gave a reassuring grin back to remind her, “It's okay. I'm used to it.”

But apparently that wasn't the right thing to say, because Kara stared a second longer, then looked down with greater sadness and sorrow. “That's a very sad thing to hear. And totally not right.”

“It's _okay_ , Kara,” Lena begged her to understand. It was weird seeing someone so upset about it, because to her that was just how life was. “I'm fine.”

“I'm glad. But what happened isn't okay,” Kara defied her for the first time. “You deserve better. And I'm going to make sure you see that one day.”

Lena smiled, not quite sure what she did to deserve to call the person beside her her best friend. “I get to feel what better’s like every day I'm with you. Okay?”

“Okay,” Kara forced a grin. “But if it were up to me, you'd get so much better every day. From everyone. You're like, the best person to ever exist. People need to start treating you like that.”

“I don't know about that,” Lena softly laughed, then squeezed Kara's knee I'm reassurance when she saw how truly upset she was over the whole situation, “but I'm really glad you think so.”

 

 

xx

 

 

On Halloween, Lena once again went over to Kara's house, but this time she got to sleepover, and Lena quickly found that the only thing better than going trick-or-treating with Kara was going trick-or-treating _and_ getting to sleepover.

That year, they went around the neighborhood alone, just the two of them, without adult supervision, and it was something that Lena knew her mother would be against for a plethora of reasons. That only made it better. It was another reminder of how much she loved being at the Danvers, where she wasn't a Luthor and didn't need protection. There, she was just a typical nine-year-old girl. She got to do things like walk around the block, or go to the park down the street alone – yet another new experience.

When they got home, Eliza and Jeremiah ordered them a pizza and watched from afar as the they traded candy again. Lena would peek up at them every now and then and they'd both be looking at them with the same fond smile every time – those smiles full of fondness and adoration. They talked in hushed voices about something Lena couldn't hear, but kept their eyes on her and Kara the whole time, and Lena couldn't help but feel her insides go soft at how much love she felt in this house.

“Thank you for letting me sleepover, guys,” Lena smiled warmly at the parents she so-often wished were her own. She loved her dad, but she couldn't help but wonder how different her life would be if she'd grown up with _two_ loving parents.

Eliza looked down at her with fondness, acting as if there was nothing to thank them for. “You're always welcome here, you know that.”

“You're family,” Jeremiah agreed. “It's our pleasure.”

“Yeah!” Kara exclaimed. “It's our pleasure! You're _family_!”

Lena laughed at her best friend’s excitement, looking over at her and for the first time wondering if maybe this could be her second family after all. She knew she'd never technically be a Danvers, but when she sat in that kitchen, she felt at home. The nights spent at Kara’s were the nights she felt well-loved, and it was still sometimes weird to have a place where she never felt like a bother.

“I know, but you're always so hospitable. I'm lucky,” Lena bowed her head.

“We’re lucky,” Eliza corrected.

Pulling them out of the sentimental moment, beside Lena, Kara innocently tilted her head and asked, “What does hospit… that big word mean?”

Lena looked over to Eliza for help, because she was good at learning, but not so much teaching. “I don't know how to explain it.”

“Hospitable means… kind of like caring or being welcoming. It's like welcoming someone into your home and taking care of them like they're you're own,” Eliza herself stumbled to provide an adequate definition.

Even when it was explained, it didn't seem like Kara understood it any better, but she still looked at Lena with amazement. “You're _so_ smart. It's amazing.”

“Thanks,” Lena felt her face go hot. Over the years, she realized when her face felt hot, her cheeks turned red, so she untucked the hair behind her ear, letting it fall over her face to hide her blush.

“I'd do anything to be as smart as you,” Kara dreamily sighed. “You're like… a genius.”

Despite envying Kara's naivety, Lena just smiled and repeated, “Thanks.”

Because sometimes Lena hated being so smart – and not only because it made school boring. Quite often, she wished she could be more like Kara, who knew so little about the monstrosities of the world. She wished she didn't watch the weekly news every Sunday morning with her dad as a way to bond, because the truth was, it could be sad. They never seemed to report the happy stuff, and it made Lena realize how many awful things there were in the world, outside of her little bubble with Kara.

Honestly, she would do anything to see the world from Kara's eyes, because from what she could gather, it was a pretty magical place. And if she were to be more honest, Kara was the sole reason Lena realized the news wasn't everything. Seeing the way Kara trusted people wholeheartedly and loved people so fearlessly with her entire being reminded Lena that there was good in the world, you just had to find it. And she found hers in Kara.

“But Mom! Lena taught me words in Spanish!” Kara was suddenly bursting with excitement at something she had apparently forgot to mention. “’ _Hola’_ is ’ _Hello’_ and _’¿Como estás?’_ is ’ _How are you?’_! Isn't that cool?”

“That's very cool,” Eliza laughed at her daughter’s excitement, then turned to the nine-year-old beside her. “You are very smart, Lena.”

Except that compliment made her pause. The words took her off guard and sounded so much different coming from an adult. No grown up had ever told her she was smart so candidly before. At home, the compliment never came to her, and even if it did, all she would feel was dumb next to the rest of her family.

“Thanks!” She couldn't hide her bliss at finally feeling intelligent, something she'd been striving for her whole life.

Eliza stared with surprise at how happy the words made her, then seemed to shake herself out of her trance and nod. “I believe you're going to do great things one day.”

Lena looked up with a smile, soaking in the depth of those words. Still, instead of boasting, she turned to her best friend to add, “Kara will too.”

“We will together,” Kara didn't miss a beat, grabbing Lena's hand to emphasize their power. After a moment, she whimsically proclaimed, “Me and Lena are gonna on the whole world some day.”

“We will,” Lena nodded in solid confirmation.

Eliza watched them closely for a moment, then nodded her head with a soft smile and approval. “For all I know, you two just might.”

 

 

xx

 

 

November was when the bombshell was dropped that Alex was gay. She came out to her family two weeks before Thanksgiving and Kara immediately filled Lena in the next day. Apparently, she was dating Maggie, who Lena had met earlier that year while spending the day at Kara’s. Everyone had known they’d become inseparable over the past six months, but Lena had no clue it was to such a great extent. She wouldn't have expected a thing, because Alex seemed so normal.

But the way Kara relayed the information, calmly and lightly, made it seem like being gay was no big deal. Halfway through, Kara even said her parents outrightly told her it didn’t change anything. After that, everything else that was said was one blurred buzz in Lena’s ear. She immediately zoned out as her thoughts swirled around her head, all jumbled together in one big mess.

Which, her distraction didn't come from having any sort of _problem_ with Alex being gay, it came from not knowing what feelings she _did_ have. She couldn't place her finger on why, but the news was almost… comforting or relieving or liberating, and Lena couldn't find an explanation for that. For some reason, hearing that Alex was gay and accepted made her feel more content with the world, despite being taught how wrong it was.

Her emotions didn’t make sense to her, and Lena was more confused than ever by it all, because every message she'd received in her short life had told her how abnormal homosexuality was. Every time a news story about being gay came on, her parents changed the channel. When one of her mother’s friend’s son came out as gay, everyone in her prestigious social circle dismissed the parents. She had heard her parents talking about what a shame it was that night, because, ‘ _He really is a good looking boy. He could’ve had a real future_.’

Once, Lena remembered them driving on the north side of the inner city to go to the Science Museum. It was a family trip, but it unknowingly happened to be on the same day of the pride parade, and when her mother saw the rainbow flags and rowdy crowds beginning to line the streets she had the driver turn around and take them straight home instead.

Every message Lena had gotten as a kid told her that being gay wasn’t okay, but then, here was her best friend, the light of her life, telling her it was totally fine – that it changed nothing. Lena didn’t understand it. And she didn’t understand why she felt relieved by learning that Alex was gay when she was taught to feel disgusted by it.

“Are you okay?” Kara asked after however many minutes of rambling.

Lena pulled herself out of her daze, trying to hide how mixed up she felt inside. “Yeah. I just got distracted.”

“By Alex?”

“No, no – something else,” Lena stumbled out.

Thankfully, Kara was still too young to notice the tell-tale signs of when she was lying. “Okay, good. It’s big news, though, right?”

“Yeah. I would’ve never guessed,” Lena agreed.

Kara laughed to herself with a wide smile to remind them, “And if _you_ would’ve never guessed, no one would’ve, because you’re the smartest person on the planet.”

Lena shook her head at the claim, despite being flattered. Outwardly, she just shook her head. “You can’t keep telling people that.”

“Why not? You are!”

“I don’t know that much,” she repeated. “Compared to my family–”

“When you’re as old as them, you’ll be smarter,” Kara didn’t bother hearing out Lena’s argument again. “Mark my words that you’ll be able to rule the world one day, if you really wanted to. You’re _that_ smart.”

“I don’t know if world domination is my thing,” Lena laughed along.

Kara huffed and puffed out her chest, starting by admitting, “I don’t know what that big word means,” and finishing with, “but I still know I’m right.”

Lena didn’t agree, but she couldn’t help but softly smile. “I’m glad you believe in me so much.”

“One of us has to know what you’re capable of,” Kara shrugged. After a few seconds, she doubted herself and looked to Lena for reassurance. “Did I use _that_ word right? Capable?”

“You did,” Lena grinned at her insecurity. “You’re smarter than you think too.”

“Yeah, but I’ll never be as smart as you,” Kara fought, without a single drop of jealousy attached to the claim. “That’s just a fact of life.”

“You don’t want to be as smart as me. Knowing this much makes my brain hurt sometimes,” Lena told her. “You’re perfect as you are.”

“You think I’m _perfect_?” Kara gawked. “Really? _Me_?”

“You’re the most perfect person I’ve ever met,” Lena truthfully proclaimed.

The words made Kara stare at her as they held each other’s gaze for a moment, then Lena’s eyes flickered down to her best friend’s lips to watch them form into that smile she loved more than anything. Kara’s smile could brighten her whole day, and she always felt so special for causing it.

“You’re the most perfect person I’ve ever met too,” Kara recited. “I’m lucky you’re my best friend.”

“No, that’s me who’s lucky,” Lena fought. “That’s _definitely_ me.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, I _know_ so,” Lena continued to argue. “And I have to be right. I'm the smartest person in the world.”

“Even the smartest person can be wrong,” Kara was blunt. “But you’re still perfect anyway.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena didn’t see Alex and Maggie together in person until the end of December. It was the Danvers’ New Year’s Eve celebration, and while Lena’s eyes were usually always focused on Kara, she couldn’t help but stare at Alex this year.

At 7 p.m., she watched as Alex laid on her girlfriend’s chest, then at 8:30, she watched as they left towards the kitchen holding hands. At 9:15, she saw Maggie press a kiss to Alex’s cheek and at 10:45 she saw them sitting closer than they used to, quietly giggling about something the rest of them couldn’t hear.

Apparently, she was staring so much that Maggie noticed and eventually teased her when it was just the two of them in the kitchen together. “You’ve never seen a gay couple before, huh?”

“Oh - uh - sorry,” Lena stuttered, bashfully shaking her head. “I just - you and Alex look nice together.”

“No hard feelings. And thanks,” the older girl laughed. “You and Kara look nice too. Alex always mentions how close you guys are, but I think she was somehow _under_ -exaggerating.”

“Oh. Yeah,” Lena airily laughed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear as she grabbed two potstickers for Kara and some chips for herself. She was suddenly nervous around this older girl, and she didn't know why. She hoped it wasn't because she was gay, because the last thing Lena wanted was to be homophobic like her parents. “Kara’s my best friend.”

“Best friends are cool,” Maggie nodded along. “I’ve never seen best friends like you guys, though. Even when me and Alex were just friends, we weren’t like _that_. You two are on a whole other level.”

Lena just laughed, because she wasn’t so sure what to say to that. It felt like Maggie was insinuating something, but she didn’t know what it was. The fact that she was close to Kara seemed like a given by now. It was nothing noteworthy.

“She's my forever and ever,” Lena shrugged whatever she was implying off. “She's the one person I know will always be there for me.”

“Yeah,” Maggie dragged out, seeming to have a knowingness about something Lena had no idea over, “that’s good to have in life.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Later that night, Lena was still wondering what her conversation with Maggie was about. It seemed to have a deeper meaning than her friendship with Kara and Lena couldn't understand why or what she would be implying. all she knew was now it seemed like Maggie was keeping a close eye on her too.

Lena could tell she was trying to be discreet about it, but it was hard to miss the constant glances towards her and Kara – although Kara seemed to miss them just fine. It was weird feeling like roles were reversed and they were suddenly being analyzed by the older girl, but the worst part was not knowing what for. She just knew that every time her and Kara held hands or sat close together on the couch, Maggie would look at them, then give a sharp glance to Alex, almost like a silent, ’ _I told you so_.”

Lena just didn't know what she told her.

 

 

xx

 

 

After winter break, her and Kara went back to their normal lives of sharing a class together in school and sitting beside one another on the bus. Lena remembered when seeing Kara in school felt so special, but now it felt way more special to see her out of school. She liked seeing Kara at home – the natural version of her that no one else got to see. It felt like a privilege.

Eventually, James reappeared in their lives again that winter. He came up to them with some apology that sounded incredibly insincere, but Kara found it heartfelt and Lena didn't have the heart to fight her on it. As much as she her best friend hated James for her, she knew Kara also valued his friendship. She missed him. Even though she never said it aloud, Lena could tell that she missed him.

“You gonna tell her he's still a jerk?” Lucy asked her one day at recess as they both looked over at Kara shooting hoops with him.

Lena just looked over at her, giving a small shrug and self-pitying smile. “Kara really likes having him as a friend.”

“And you're okay with that?”

“No,” Lena admitted. “No, not really. But I want her to be happy.” There was silence, then she continued, “Kara more than anyone deserves to have whatever and whoever she wants in her life.”

Lucy took a sympathetic breath, then pursed her lips together. “You're a good best friend.”

“Yeah. I know,” Lena laughed. “It's only because she deserves the best, so I try to be it.”

Lena felt Lucy stare at her, but kept her own gaze focused on Kara. It was one thing to pity herself, but seeing pity in another person’s eyes would be embarrassing.

“You're definitely the best to her,” Lucy eventually consoled. “And she knows that too.”

“You think so?”

“Oh yeah,” Lucy didn't hesitate to reassure her, seeming to mean it wholeheartedly. “Never doubt your place in her life. You're the one person she’ll never let go of.”

“I hope so,” Lena sighed.

But she couldn't help but realize middle school was coming next year, and Kara was bound to have a boyfriend at some point.

Lucy nudged her with her elbow, and finally, Lena looked up at her. “You guys are forever and ever, right? That's how it goes?”

That one made Lena smile, because that was exactly what she needed to be reminded of. “Yeah. My forever and ever’s with her.”

 

 

xx

 

 

On Valentine’s Day, everyone at school opened little card-stock cards again, and Lena read through hers with a smile. Every student in the class had to get one for everyone else, and at the end of the day Lena sat with twenty-eight cards on her desk. Some of them were signed with nice messages, but most of them just read whoever’s name sent them, which was fine with Lena. She had just put her own name on all of hers too. Besides, she knew most of the people who actually wrote her messages just did it because she was Kara's best friend, so it made them a little less special.

But what _was_ special was Kara's house. Lena went over there like she did every year for their tradition of eating a heart-shaped pizza together, but this year, she saw a heart-shaped balloon and mini box of chocolates first.

“Surprise!” Kara exclaimed when she brought them downstairs from her room. “I got you this!”

“Oh my god,” Lena laughed, feeling her insides grow tingly at the sight of the Valentine’s Day balloon and red heart filled with chocolates. “This is so cool!”

“Yeah. I was gonna give you the chocolates in school, but my mom said I had to wait ’til I got home because it wouldn't be fair to everyone else,” Kara kept the grin on her face. “Do you like it?”

“I love it!” Lena exclaimed, unable to shake off her shock. This was so unexpected, but one of the kindest gestures anyone had ever made towards her. “You're the best best friend ever!”

 

 

xx

 

 

When Maggie came over that night, Lena and Kara were seated in the living room, huddled together on the couch as they tried the chocolates together. Even though they were a gift to Lena, Kara seemed to be eating most of them, but that was okay. Honestly, it was expected. But Maggie paused when she saw the coziness.

She turned to Alex, quietly mumbling, “What's up with the balloon?”

“Kara got it for Lena,” Alex mentioned, seemingly nervous about what she was saying. “It was a Valentine’s gift.”

“ _Oh_?” Maggie asked. “That's–”

“Mags–”

“You know what I'm thinking.”

Alex rolled her eyes and tugged her girlfriend away from them, reminding her, “They're only in fifth grade!”

“And it's already obvious,” Maggie taunted back as they turned to go up the stairs. “And hey, where's _my_ balloon, Danvers?”

“Shut up,” Alex laughed. “You're so full of shit.”

“That's a bad word!” Kara yelled from beside her. But when the two teenagers were out of earshot, she turned to Lena with confusion. “What was she talking about?”

“I honestly don't know this time,” Lena confessed.

Kara thought about it for a second, then offered, “Maybe she liked the balloon?”

“Yeah. Probably,” Lena agreed.

But she couldn’t help but think that whatever Maggie was talking about was bigger than a balloon. Whatever it was seemed much bigger indeed.

 

 

xx

 

 

Near the end of March that year, there was a Saturday where the weather was perfect. It was bright and sunny and a perfect sixty degrees outside, and all Lena wanted to do was spend it with Kara. She remembered begging her dad to let Kara come over, so incessantly that he finally said _yes_.

“I'm doing you a favor,” he warned her after he agreed. “I don't go behind your mom’s back often, so she's going to be mad.”

“As long as she can come,” Lena wore a wide smile, running to get her cell phone before he could change his mind. When Kara answered, after years of waiting, Lena finally got to be the one to ask the question. “Hey. You wanna come over?”

 

 

xx

 

 

When Kara walked through the doors of the Luthor estate, Lena’s mother was boiling with anger in the office while her dad stood beside her with his usual fond smile. Kara looked from the spacious living room beside her, to the chandelier above her, to the extravagant staircase in front of her, amazement in her eyes all the while.

“You _live_ here?” Kara asked incredulously, almost making her feel embarrassed. “This is like a castle. You’re like a princess!”

Lena laughed at the logic, looking up to her dad with a bright smile. Even if Kara was shocked by her way of life, Lena was happy to finally share it.

Eliza stood behind her daughter, trying to hide her own awe, but she wasn’t too successful. No matter how casual she acted, it was hard to miss how she was scoping out the place. It was weird for Lena to think that what she thought of as a normal, modest home, most people thought of as a mansion.

“She is a princess,” her dad smiled down at Kara. “Welcome to our home.”

Kara just kept looking around, finally turning to Lena with a wide-eyed, “Whoa.”

“It’s a lovely house,” Eliza finally regained the ability to speak. “It’s beautiful.”

“Thanks. It’s mainly Lillian’s decorating.”

“That’s your wife?”

“Yeah,” her dad grimaced. “She’d usually greet guests too, she’s not rude, she’s just… busy. I’m sure she’ll say _‘Hi’_ later.”

Eliza put on a polite smile, seemingly unbothered by it all. “I’m bound to meet her one day, I’m sure.”

“Oh, you will!” Lena’s dad insisted. “She’s just-”

“Busy. I understand,” Eliza finished for him with a small smile that said she might not understand all that much. “I’ll pick her up at five?”

“Sounds good,” her dad agreed. Then, he turned to Lena and Kara with a wide smile that was full of excitement. “You girls want some snacks?”

 

 

xx

 

 

When they got to the solitude of Lena’s room, after Kara had ogled at everything for a few minutes, she mentioned, “You weren’t kidding when you said all the food in your house is healthy.”

“Not at all,” Lena grinned. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat fruit before today.”

“Well, that was kind of my only choice,” Kara shot back, laughing at her teasing. When it died down and a comfortable silence settled in, she added, “Your house really is nice.”

“Yeah,” Lena shrugged. “But I still like yours better.”

“You’d rather be there than a _castle_?” Kara scoffed. “If I lived here I’d never leave!”

“Oh, you would,” Lena’s voice was sharp. “Trust me.”

Her best friend turned to her with confusion, not seeming to comprehend how she could be so bitter over such a ‘castle’. And Lena understood why. She knew she was lucky to have what she had, and she knew most kids didn’t get everything they wanted. She understood the fact that from the outside looking in, she had her life made. But it didn’t feel like that inside her own home.

Before Kara could question her on it, Lena decided to explain. “Your house is a home,” she carefully tried to phrase in a way that her best friend would understand. “You have really nice parents and your sister is so cool. You guys are a real family. I love being around all that. Because here…”

“Oh… Yeah,” Kara nodded as Lena’s point of view seemed to finally hit her. “You don’t have that.”

“I do!” she protested. “I mean, my dad is great, and he does the best he can to glue us all together. But it isn’t like your family.”

After a moment of silence, Kara quietly murmured, “I’m sorry I didn’t think of that.”

“It’s okay,” Lena promised. “I just hope I don’t seem like a snob for not loving it here.”

“You’re not a snob,” Kara grabbed her hands for reassurance. “I wouldn’t like it here either.”

Lena rolled her eyes. “You’re such a liar. You already told me how jealous you are a million times.”

“That was when I forgot all the stories you told me about your family,” Kara defended herself. Her face grew solemn as she looked down and admitted, “I probably wouldn’t wanna live here either if I were you.”

“Well, it’s better when you’re here,” Lena tried to lighten the mood. “I like it when you’re with me.”

“Yeah?”

Lena nodded. “You make everything that stinks seem okay again.”

“You do too,” Kara beamed. “Nothing stinks when I’m with you.”

 

 

xx

 

 

 

Over spring break, Lena went over to Kara’s almost every day. Surprisingly, her dad gave her permission to invite Kara back over to their house, but Lena wasn't so interested in that any more. She thought she was a few weeks ago, but actually having Kara over changed her mind. She realized that she _liked_ always going over to Kara's house. She liked how it made her feel over there, and she liked that it wasn't anything like her own.

Her dad seemed bothered by the change of heart, though. “I thought you wanted her to come over here more.”

“I did,” Lena admitted. “But then I realized I’d rather just go over there.”

“Oh…” her dad trailed off. “I'm not surprised by that, but can I ask _why_ you like it over there more?”

Lena's heartbeat increased and her palms got clammy as she wondered how to explain it to her dad in a way that wouldn't hurt his feelings. She wondered if that was even possible.

“No reason,” she eventually brushed it off.

But her dad didn't let it go that easily. “Do you not like it here?”

“No! I like it!” she wholeheartedly exclaimed something she wasn't all that sure of. “It's just… different here.”

“How so?”

“It's hard to explain,” she sighed. “It just is.”

“We love you very much,” he reminded her, despite Lena not saying the difference aloud.

She nodded about what she was very unsure of. Her dad might love her, but the rest of her family was a gamble. “I know. I love you guys too.”

“Okay,” her dad gave a wary smile. “If you ever want to talk about it we can.”

“Okay,” she politely smiled back, knowing she would never want to. “Thanks, Dad.”

“Of course, sweetie,” he kissed the top of her forehead. “I love you. Always remember that.”

And while she might hate her house, she did love her dad.

“I love you too,” she assured him. “Me liking Kara's house better has nothing to do with you. I swear.”

“I know, honey,” the corners of his lips peaked up the slightest bit upon hearing that, but his eyes still looked unbelievably sad. “You've found a second family over there. I'm happy for that.”

“Yeah,” Lena hesitantly nodded, not sure if she should admit to that or not. “They're pretty nice.”

“They really are,” her dad admitted as he stood up off the bed, walking towards the door again. He looked back before he left, once more reminding her, “I really do love you, Lena.”

“I know,” Lena looked up at him, earnest as could be. She wasn't all that fond of the rest of her family, but she adored her father, that was for certain. “I love you too, Dad.”

He put on a tight smile and stared a moment longer, then walked out, leaving Lena to hope that one day he'd see that her hatred of their house wasn't about him at all. If anything, he was the only reason she wouldn't leave, even if she had the choice. He made it worth coming home.

 

 

xx

 

 

 

It was late May when her parents found out about Alex’s sexuality, and Lena once again sat on the stairs eavesdropping on her parents’ fight, listening to all the awful things her mother had to say about it. That was the exact reason Lena had never mentioned it.

“I don't want her around that kind of influence!” Lillian shouted down the stairs, “It's not natural, Lionel!”

“I know,” her dad solemnly agreed for once. “I'm not happy about it either. But it's not like it's _Kara_ who's gay. And Lena probably barely even sees her sister when she's over there.”

“I don't want my daughter around that at all! No matter how little it is!” her mother seethed. “If Lena was to become a homosexual, so help me, I'd–”

“She won't. She's not Alex. She knows better than that,” her dad fought.

The words hung in the air, and Lena didn't know why, but hearing them was almost as bad as hearing her mother’s arguments. She was grateful her dad was still insisting her and Kara stay friends, but she wanted more from him. She wanted her dad to say being gay was okay – she wanted him to tell her mom how normal it was, the way Eliza told Kara. And for some reason, because he didn't say that, because he didn’t accept Alex, Lena felt isolated. She felt alone to the point of not even wanting to be there anymore. Suddenly, she desperately wanted to be at the Danvers’, where everyone was accepted, despite their differences, and her dad had never made her feel that way before.

“If she becomes a queer, it's your fault,” her mother warned him. “Do you hear me? It will be _your_ fault for allowing this to happen.”

Her dad still sounded calm, but did nothing to stand up for Alex. “She won't be gay, Lil. I promise.”

“She better not be,” her mother sneered. “Because I swear to god, if she is–”

“She knows better,” her dad smoothly repeated the phrase that made Lena's heart sink to the floor. “She won't.”

Unexplained tears came to her eyes as Lena stood up. She didn't know if their argument was over or not, but she didn't want to hear any more of it, regardless. Even at nine years old, she couldn't listen to someone talk so badly about people like Alex – especially her own dad, the man she had thought was perfect.

When she turned around, Lex was standing at a distance with a glare on his face and spite in his voice. “They had to find out sometime.”

Lena squinted at him, her vision going red as she spat out, “ _Why_ would you tell them that when you know how they feel?”

“Because they deserved to know,” Lex shrugged. “And if you really thought being gay was so ’ _okay_ ’ you would've told them yourself.”

“I _do_ think being gay is okay, but they don't! They don't get it, and now mother has yet another reason to want to make me stop being friends with Kara!”

Lex rolled his eyes with an anger of his own. “Would you stop with this ’mother ’ business? She's our _mom_ , Lena.“

“She's your mom, Lex,” she threw back just as angrily. “Stop trying to ruin my life!”

“Oh my god,” he dragged out. “It's not that dramatic!”

Lena clenched her jaw and felt her entire body tense with it. “When will you understand that Kara means everything to me? Huh? When will you understand that ending my friendship with her _is_ that dramatic to me? That it _would_ ruin my life?”

“You'd be fine,” her brother dismissed. “In case you've forgotten, those people are not your family.”

“In case you've forgotten, I wish they were,” Lena said the words aloud for the first time. There was a silence in the air, and even though Lena had meant them, she wished they didn't come out with such spite. Lex’s face fell and Lena tried to soften the blow, but it ultimately didn't work. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.”

“No, I think you did,” Lex pursed his lips as he began to back off and walk away. “It's about time you told us how you really feel.”

“Lex–”

“It's fine. I'm sure keeping that a secret was really hard for you, considering how you love them so much more than us.”

Lena's face fell, but at the same time, as horrible as it made her, what Lex was saying wasn't wrong. When it came to her mother and him, Lena did love the Danvers more. And she knew that was _awful_ , because the Danvers weren't even her real family, but, oh, how she wished they were.

She didn't bother to correct him, instead owning up to it. “I'm sorry, Lex.”

“Right,” he laughed a little. “Say that to someone who cares.”

 

 

xx

 

 

The next time she went over to the Danvers, Maggie was there again, and for some reason Lena avoided even looking at her and Alex together, because even though Lena knew she wasn't her parents, she felt guilty for the remarks they had made about being gay.

Unfortunately for her, as Kara got older and they got to know each other on more than a childish level, she was beginning to catch on to the times Lena felt uncomfortable.

“Did they say something to you?” her best friend murmured after Alex and Maggie walked through the room and Lena to fell quiet and averted her gaze yet again.

“What?” Lena shot her head up when they were gone. “Who?”

“My sister. Or Maggie, I don't know. You're just being weird around them,” Kara explained. “What’d they do?”

“Nothing,” Lena sighed. “Sorry. I'm not trying to be weird.”

“No, it's okay!” Kara rushed to insist. “I just – if someone said something to you, tell me. If it was Alex, I'll talk to her. Or I'll even talk to my mom, if you need that. Or you could talk to my mom if that's what you want!”

Lena felt her heart grow warm at Kara's concern, but also knew she couldn't exactly relay what her parents had said to anyone in her family. “It has nothing to do with Alex. It's my parents.”

“Both of them?” Kara asked with surprise.

“Yeah,” Lena sighed back, slouching her shoulders with an insurmountable amount of disappointment. Her and her dad had always been on the same page until then. She couldn't seem to get over that. “We just all see the world so differently, Kar.”

“What do you mean?”

“It's nothing. I can't do anything to fix it, you know?” Lena tried to reassure herself. “They believe what they believe.”

“Yeah,” Kara timidly agreed. Eventually, she couldn't hold the question in, though. “What do they believe?”

“Nothing,” Lena snapped as she forced a smile, tucking stray hairs behind her ear with secondhand shame.

Kara stared at her while she fidgeted, then decided to push it, “What is it? You can tell me.”

“You wouldn't get it,” she sadly narrated, reminding her once again that, “They’re not like your family.”

“I know,” Kara shrugged back. “I just want to know.”

Lena's heartbeat got faster at Kara's genuine worry over her as she cautiously peaked at blue eyes. “You promise you won't get mad?”

“Of course not. It's not like you said whatever they said,” Kara shrugged as she made it all seem so simple. “Besides, best friends tell each other when things make them upset, Lena. And we're best friends.”

It was as if those were the magic words, because Kara was right. Lena was upset and needed to talk, and who better to talk to than her best friend?

“My mom and dad found out Alex is dating Maggie, and they said some pretty awful stuff,” Lena grimaced. “My mom doesn't even want me to come over here anymore.”

“What? _Why_?” Kara asked as if homophobia was unfathomable. But, then again, Lena supposed that to Kara, it probably was. “Do they not like Maggie or something?”

“No, it's not that. It's…” Lena took a deep breath, hoping her best friend wouldn't be upset with her as she explained, “They don't like gay people.”

Kara was silent and her face was torn as she clearly tried to work through that, but ultimately, she couldn't. Her voice came out hurt and was full of confusion. “I don't understand.”

And instead of trying to explain it, Lena decided to just agree, because honestly, neither did she. “I know.“

“Alex is awesome,” Kara told her decisively. “She's the best sister in the world! How can someone not like her just because she's dating another girl?”

“My parents… they're different,” Lena sighed. “They aren't as accepting as we are.”

“I can tell. They don't like my sister,” Kara bitterly reminded them.

Lena looked down, wringing her hands with a nervousness she couldn't explain. “It's not just her. They don't like all gay people. They said even if I was gay, it wouldn't be okay.”

“Really?” Kara gawked. “They're your mom and dad!”

“I know,” Lena disappointedly nodded. “I mean, I'm not! Luckily, I'm not gay – but what if I was? If I was they’d just not love me anymore? Just like that?”

“That's so mean,” Kara shook her head, seeming to have more anger than Lena on the subject. “That's so, _so_ mean!”

“Yeah,” Lena grimaced. “It kinda is.”

Kara anxiously stared at her for a minute, then offered out the only comfort she could. “At least you're not gay, I guess.”

But for some reason, that just made Lena’s heart sink deeper, because the more she thought about it, the more she realized how young she was. She was only a kid, so there was a very real chance she could grow up and be gay one day, just like Alex. In fifth grade, Alex probably didn't know she liked girls either. She probably realized it when she was older. That was what scared her, because what if one day, Lena grew up and realized the same?

And most of the time, she knew she wasn't gay and probably never would be, she knew that she'd eventually have a crush on a boy, just like everyone else did. But then there were those moments she couldn't talk about. There were those small, silent, minuscule moments where she paused and wondered, ’ _What if I am?’_ At times, as she caught herself staring at Kara longer than their other friends did, or saw a girl and thought about how pretty she was, Lena wondered about maybe… maybe one day she'd be gay too, even if she didn't want to be.

Those thoughts were too bothersome to focus on, though, so every time they popped in, Lena forced them out just as quickly. She buried them down deeper and deeper each time, because _everyone_ admired their best friend and _everyone_ recognized pretty girls when they saw them, right? That didn't mean she was destined to be like Alex. Every time she thought about it, she convinced herself it didn't mean a thing.

It was normal. It was all normal. Lena was totally and completely normal.

 

 

xx

 

 

At the end of the school year, Kara and Lena sat side-by-side on the bus, holding on to every last moment, wondering if they'd still get to do this in middle school. It was a bigger school and more students would be there, so it was possible that their bus situation might change.

“I hope this isn't the last time I get to sit next to you on my way home,” Kara murmured on their last day. “You're the only person who doesn't drive me crazy here.”

Lena smiled at that, nodding her head to Kara in return as she looked over all the rowdy kids around them. “You're the only one who doesn't drive me crazy too.”

“Cool,” Kara grinned, using a word that she used to say so much, but now used only occasionally. “I'm so happy we're best friends then.”

Lena thought about how much they'd gone through side-by-side and realized she found herself unable to think of a world where they weren't best friends. She didn't know when it happened, but now, picturing a life without Kara was impossible. She knew they were only kids, and statistically most childhood friendships didn't last, but her friendship with Kara felt different.

Kara was a part of her. Her mother might not think so and her dad might think they were just a pair of cute kids, but to Lena, their friendship was bigger. Kara was a monumental being in her life. And even if middle school inevitably pulled the two of them apart, Kara would always be that monumental being in her life. The impact Kara had made would already last forever. Even if her friendship with Kara didn't.

 

 

xx

 

 

The summer between fifth and sixth grade was short, but Lena supposed that was because she saw Kara more than usual. Her parents seemed to finally accept that her and Lex were no longer the pair of siblings they used to be, so there was no point in Lena staying home just to please her brother anymore. Even when they were both home together, they didn’t talk. Half the time they couldn’t even look at one another. Somewhere over time, they had become too different to even see the other’s point of view, and Lena supposed that was what finally ruined them. Lex had turned into a true Luthor, just like her had always wanted. Lena couldn't be further from it.

And she knew she should probably be bothered by that. She knew should probably be upset that she wasn’t meeting her mother’s standards – that she wasn’t even considered a true Luthor – but for some reason, she was proud of it. She understood what being a Luthor meant, and she didn’t want any part in that. She’d rather spend the summer at Kara’s, pretending she was a Danvers.

So, that’s what she did.

She went with Kara to the zoo and all kinds of museums in the city, and spent countless nights at her house, staying up until midnight and eating too much junk food. Jeremiah drove them for late night ice cream runs and Eliza baked them home-made meals at least once a week. There were nights filled with family movies and ordered pizzas, and plenty of nights where Alex came in and painted their nails and filled them in on the high school gossip, and it was all just… cozy. It was so cozy to her. And it was so much better than being a Luthor.

So, going into middle school, as Lena understood the world more and more, she also began to realize that sometimes people had to make their own family. Sometimes, blood didn’t mean as much as she was taught to believe as a kid. That was the time she decided she’d make her family the Danvers. Because that house was where she belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first sign of angst is in two chapters... and let me just say that y'all aren't ready for supercorp in high school. also, I see all your reviews about not wanting Lena's dad to die and you have been heard! But that's all I'll say on that matter for now ;)
> 
> anyway, come talk to me on Tumblr! I'm bored and home from work all week: shes-cured.tumblr.com
> 
> also if anyone wants to donate to my Kofi it'd be appreciated because there's a chance I won't be getting paid for this week despite getting injured at work :/ links on my Tumblr! but for real, it's up to you and no one has to. I'm always gonna keep posting on ao3 anyway bc I always got some stories in my head so no pressure :)


	7. sixth grade

When school resumed in the fall, Lena was ecstatic to find out her and Kara would be sharing a bus again. They’d also be sharing P.E. class and lunch, which according to Kara, were ‘ _The best classes to share, because that’s where we can talk all the time and not learn anything_ ’.

But still, much to Lena’s dismay, all of their other classes they were separated for. As Lena began participating in Honors courses and Kara stayed put in the mainstream curriculum, they seemed to have common classes anymore. It was something Lena was upset over, but made Kara over the moon.

“It just means other people see how smart you are!” she proclaimed when Lena first pouted over it. “I’m so happy you’ll finally be learning stuff you don’t already know.”

“I know, but I want to be with you,” Lena grimaced as she stabbed her lunch. “You’re my best friend. I don’t know anyone in Honors.”

“You know Winn,” Kara offered.

Lena just looked at her with a sad smile to proclaim, “Winn is your friend, Kara. We both know that.”

“He could be yours,” her best friend shrugged. “He’s a nice guy.”

“I don’t think he really likes me,” she laughed at the naivety. “He just puts up with me for your sake.”

“That is not true!” Kara scoffed back. “He likes us both!”

And Lena nodded, but she also remembered the way him and Kara were best friends before she came along. She remembered the envious glares he’d shot at her for years and how when they’d first met he didn’t want her to sit with them at lunch. To him, Lena knew she was still the girl who stole his childhood crush.

“If you say so,” she decided not to argue that with Kara. “I’d just rather it be you in there.”

“Me too, but I’m not freaky smart,” Kara cheekily grinned. “And I’ll miss you, but you love learning. And you weren’t learning a thing last year, so this should make you happy.”

When Lena didn’t reply, Kara continued.

“This is a good thing, okay? Even if it doesn’t seem like it now, it is. Your smartness is incredible, and it’s about time other people noticed.”

Lena smiled at that much, nodding her head in appreciation. She still wasn’t proud of herself for it, but seeing how proud Kara was made it almost worthwhile. “You think too highly of me.”

“No, you just don’t think highly enough,” Kara fought. “Plus, not being in the same class anymore isn’t going to change anything. We’re still gonna be best friends for forever and ever. No one can change that.”

Lena’s heart actually lifted at those words. She looked up at Kara with an undying hopefulness in her eyes. “You mean it?”

“Of course,” Kara held out her pinky to silently swear on it, and Lena quickly hooked hers on. “No one can tear us apart. Me and you, we’re a package deal.”

“I think so too,” she grinned. “Forever and ever is real. I mean it every time I say it.”

“So do I,” Kara reciprocated with that same casualness she always seemed to have. “We’re best friends ’til the day we die.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Kara must’ve talked to Winn, because the next day in math class, he sat right next to her instead of the spot he’d chosen the day before. He was silent at first, but then forced a polite, “Hey.”

“Hi,” Lena forced a grin back.

They sat in silence as they waited for the bell to ring until Lena finally told him, “If Kara put you up to this, you don’t have to do it.”

“It’s fine,” he shrugged, but didn’t deny it. “I don’t know anyone in this class anyway. I’d rather sit by you.”

“Okay,” Lena curtly nodded, letting a silence settle between them yet again. “Sounds good to me.”

 

 

xx

 

 

The end of September was when Lena met who would become her greatest confidant in the smart kid classes. She was walking into science class when she heard Eve and her gang making fun of a kid named Querl, so she did what she remembered Kara doing for her against Winn way back when. She stood up for him.

“Don’t you have anything better to do than pick on him?” she asked the blonde whose ego was ten notches too high.

Eve turned to her with clear surprise written on her face, then just politely smiled back. “Stay out of this, Luthor. I’d hate for you to become an enemy too.”

“Yeah, you probably have a lot of those with that attitude,” Lena spat back.

She watched Eve purse her lips with distaste, then scowl back. “I could ruin you.”

“I dare you to try,” Lena challenged. “If I recall, your dad works for my dad, right? I’d hate to have to tell _mine_ that one of his employee’s daughter’s is bullying me. I mean, I’m a daddy’s girl, so I’d just hate for your dad’s job to be in jeopardy.”

“Are you threatening me?” Eve gawked. Lena stared back unimpressed until she added, “You wouldn’t.”

“I think I would,” Lena mused. “In fact, I think the only way I won’t is if you back off of him and stay far away from me.”

Eve looked to the girls surrounding her, but they shrugged in response. It was clear that none of them were sure of how serious Lena was. Eventually, Eve backed down with an incredulous scoff. “You’re just another rich bitch.”

“Insult me with something I haven’t heard a million times before,” Lena rolled her eyes. “Just get out of here before my anger gets the best of me.”

“Rich. Bitch,” Eve repeated as she stood up, clearly trying to dig the words in, despite them having no effect on her. “See ya, _Brainy_.”

When they were gone, Lena sat beside Querl for emphasis of her solidarity and began pulling out the materials she’d need for their class.

“Thanks for that,” he eventually murmured beside her.

“Of course,” she smiled at him. “They’re jerks.”

“Yes,” he agreed. “Although, it would probably make them angrier to know I like the nickname they gave me. They use it as an insult, but I think it sounds cool. It makes me feel smart, as I do not like my real name.”

He talked differently than most of the people around them, but instead of focusing on that, Lena just firmly nodded at him, deciding, “Brainy it is, then.”

“You’re going to call me _Brainy_?” he asked with skepticism.

“I don’t have to. But you said you like it,” Lena shrugged. “I’ll call you whatever you want me to call you.”

“Well. Then, Brainy it is,” he smiled triumphantly. “And you are Lena, correct?”

“Yeah. Correct,” she couldn’t help but laugh at his formality.

He tilted his head to the side, his eyebrows furrowed as he asked, “So, are we friends now?”

“Yeah,” Lena grinned at the simplicity of the question, being reminded of Kara at once. She still simplified things like that too. “We’re friends now, Brainy.”

“Good,” he straightened out papers on his desk, his face returning to its regular neutral expression. “I appreciate your friendship, Lena Luthor. You will not regret it.”

 

 

xx

 

 

“I made a friend today,” Lena proudly proclaimed on the bus an hour later. The loneliness had set in the past few weeks, so making a friend felt like the biggest accomplishment - even if he was a little quirky. “His name is Brainy. And no one even helped me, I did it all on my own.”

“ _Brainy_?” Kara repeated. “As in, Brain- _ee_?”

“Yeah. He likes the nickname,” Lena shrugged. “His real name is Querl.”

“Oh. The nickname is better, he’s right,” Kara casually agreed. “Where’d you meet him?”

“He’s in a lot of my classes, but I talked to him in science just now. Eve was making fun of him, so I told her to back off. Then, we started talking. He’s really nice.”

That made Kara pause, taking a moment to gawk at her. About what, Lena didn’t know. “You told _Eve_ to back off? She’s like, the meanest kid in our grade.”

“Yeah, and I’m tired of it,” Lena shook her head with anger. “She can’t just treat people like that. Not on my watch.”

Kara smiled at that, turning away and talking as if she was awestruck, “You’re seriously the best person I know, Lena.”

Lena just laughed at that proclamation, not understanding how her best friend could think such a thing. “Why? You would’ve done the same. You stand up for me all the time.”

“No one’s ever stood up to Eve, though. Not even me,” Kara shrugged. “Everyone’s too afraid of her.”

“Well, I’m not,” Lena defiantly proclaimed. “No one should be able to be mean to people just for the fun of it – _including_ Eve. That's not right - it’s not right at all.”

“No, it's not,” Kara agreed with a hint of awe in her voice. She tugged her backpack closer to her chest, simply telling her, “You really are amazing.”

Lena looked up at her with a wide smile upon hearing the compliment. She nodded her head with appreciation and thankfulness that she had someone like Kara to say so, because sometimes it felt like she was just another rich bitch - just like Eve said. “Thanks, Kar.”

“No. I mean, you're a _good_ person, Lena,” Kara emphasized when the dark-haired girl tried to shrug it off. “The world is so, so lucky to have you.”

“I learned it from you,” Lena told her, the words coming out so profoundly. “So, that means the world is lucky to have you too.”

“Yeah, I guess so…” Kara trailed off in wonder. When she brought herself back to reality, it was to strongly proclaim, “We _are_ going to change the world one day, Lena. Together, we are. I just know it.”

And Lena wasn't so sure she would alone, but something about Kara made her feel unstoppable, so she agreed, “We totally are.”

“Yeah,” Kara dreamily sighed out. “All these mean people better watch out. ‘Cause we’ll get them one by one.”

 

 

xx

 

 

It was a month after that when Kara's dad died. Lena remembered Kara didn't come to school that Monday and she was worried senseless all day, because Kara had never missed school before. Literally. Not a single day of her life had she not been at school. All the time, she talked about how her goal was to get the perfect attendance award at their high school graduation. She wouldn't miss a day for anything, so the whole day, Lena found herself wishing Kara had a cell phone. At least then she could text her during class to find out what was wrong. Instead she had to anxiously wait until school was over.

The second she was seated on the bus, she called Kara's house, but no one answered. Which was another odd occasion in itself, because Lena was pretty sure she had only reached the answering machine once and that was when no one was home. But she knew Alex was home from school by now, and assumed Kara was home too since she wasn’t sitting beside her, and everyone in the family answered right away when they saw her come through their caller ID. It left Lena worried as she didn't know what was going on. Even four and a half hours later at 7 p.m., no one called back. So, despite the risk of being annoying, she called their house again. For a second time there was no answer. No one called back that time either.

And without hearing from Kara, she couldn’t even get a good night’s sleep. It was rare she went a day without talking to her best friend and even rarer for her calls to be totally ignored. She was left anxiously hoping nothing too serious was going on, but that didn't stop her mind going in the worst possible direction.

The next day, Kara wasn't in school again, so she called for a third time. For a third time, no one picked up.

She called a fourth time that night, but it was just as useless as the three calls before it.

Wednesday, she called the fifth time, with no answer, yet again. An hour after that, she called again. And an hour that again. She knew she was probably being pesty, but she didn't care, because she didn't know if Kara was okay. And out of all the things she always had to know, Kara's well-being was the most important. Without knowing that, Lena was a nervous wreck.

It was Thursday when Kara finally called her back. Lena had just gotten home and was amping up to call her again, but before she could, her cell phone was ringing and lighting up with Kara's contact. She nearly dropped the phone from rushing to answer so quick.

“Are you okay?” She bombarded her for a greeting. “Where've you been? I was so worried. Please, tell me you're okay.”

“I'm – yeah, I'm – uh, yeah, I think I'm okay,” Kara forced out. But she sounded distracted and Lena could hear her taking deep breaths across the line. “Something happened, though.”

“What is it?” Lena held her breath for the answer. But it never came. There was just silence. So much silence that after a few seconds, Lena had to pull the phone away from her ear just to make sure Kara was still there. When she saw she was, she prompted, “Kara?”

“My dad,” Kara finally croaked out. “He's been in the hospital the last few days, so we’ve all been staying with him. And – he's – he's not coming home,” she started crying. “He's not gonna make it. He’s - he's not coming home again.”

“Oh my god,” Lena gasped the only thing she could, shock and sympathy filling her voice. “I'm so sorry…”

“They said they're making him as comfortable as possible – whatever that even means,” Kara was barely decipherable through her tears. “It doesn’t matter. I'm not gonna have a dad anymore.”

“That's – terrible,” Lena stumbled out. She didn't know what words people were supposed to say at a time like that. It felt like no matter what came out, it wouldn't make it better. She couldn't fix this for her. It was a devastating realization. “I – Do you need anything? I mean, I can – I don't know. I’ll do anything. Just tell me.”

“Can you come see me?” Kara asked, sounding desperate as ever. “I know it's a school night and I know your parents are strict, but I need to see you so bad right now. It's the first night we're all sleeping at home – we've been at the hospital for the rest of the week – and I need you there.”

“I don't know…” Lena sighed. She felt so defeated. She wanted to go but, “I don't think my parents will let me.”

“I'll have my mom call your dad. I'm begging you, Lena. _Please_.”

It nearly killed _her_ to hear Kara in such utter distress.

“I mean, I’ll ask and your mom can try. I _want_ to be there, it's - just - you know my parents,” Lena sadly explained. “I’m going to try though.”

“Please. And if they say no, I’ll have my mom call. Just try. I _need_ to see you,” her best friend reiterated. “Like, I need it so bad.”

And that was how Lena ended up sleeping over at Kara's on a school night. She never thought her parents would allow it, but somehow they did. She spent the night holding Kara in her arms, not knowing what to say and saying nothing as a result. They both just laid there in silence, their bodies pressed together as Lena tried to silently comfort her with her hand running her fingers through Kara’s hair. She felt her heart break from hearing her best friend’s sobs and all she could do was just keep running her fingers along the blonde hair on her chest. She knew that was the one thing that always comforted her when her dad did it.

As they were preparing to go to sleep, Lena felt Kara's arms wrap around her tighter, squeezing her as if she thought Lena would poof away.

“Never leave me,” she pled. “Just - never leave me. You and Alex and my mom are my whole world now. And I can't lose any more of it.”

“You'll always have me,” Lena spoke her first words in an hour. “I'm so sorry I can't fix this for you.”

“Me too,” Kara murmured. “But you're making it feel a little more okay just by being here.”

“I hope so,” Lena sighed, going back to running her fingers through her best friend’s hair. “Together, we’ll make everything be all-the-way okay again. Not today, but one day. One day, we will. I promise.”

Kara didn't say anything at first, instead just further nestling into her chest, then her voice dominantly crashed through the room. It was quiet and weak, but also so firm and solid. “I love you so much, Lena. I really do.”

“I love you too,” she promised. “And I'm not going anywhere.”

 

 

xx

 

 

That Friday morning, Lena's dad picked her up and she went to school as if Kara's family wasn't in chaos. She wanted to go to the hospital with them, to stay with Kara and make sure she was okay in her dad’s final moments, but that was where her mom and dad drew the line. They both agreed she couldn't miss school.

So, she went, but it was a waste of time. The whole day was spent being preoccupied with how Kara was doing. She didn't learn a single thing. But she still had to go, begrudgingly wondering what the point of it was.

After seven years, her dad should've known that the only thing she truly cared about was Kara. He should've seriously known that Lena wouldn't be focusing on anything academic when her best friend was going through something that huge - that she couldn’t focus, even if she tried. Whether she spent the day at school or at the hospital, it didn't matter. Either way, her only focus would be brainstorming ways to make Kara feel okay again. That was her only priority.

 

 

xx

 

 

By the time Thanksgiving break rolled around, Kara’s dad had been gone for a month and things still weren't anything close to being okay again. The Danvers house lacked its usual charisma and Kara began wanting to go over to Lena’s more. She claimed there was no reason as to why, but Lena knew her enough by then to know it was just because it let her escape for a little while. That seemed to be her biggest goal throughout the whole thing, to just escape from the tragedy.

But unbeknownst to Lena, Kara didn't talk about it much to anyone else. In fact, apparently she didn’t talk about it at all, outside of her. But she told Lena everything, even things that hurt to hear. She told her about her mom’s half-empty bed and how much it hurt to see when she got up in the middle of the night from nightmares. She explained the constant sobs she heard from Alex’s room, despite the blasting music that tried to cover them up. She told her how her mom was acting like everything was fine, yet ignored the fact that Alex was sneaking out every night and coming home just before six a.m. - something she would’ve been in trouble for if everything was _actually_ fine. She even very cautiously confessed the fear that her own family was becoming like Lena’s and how she worried her house would one day be just as cold. Kara was so worried her family would never recover that it haunted her. Every second of the day, Lena knew it was haunting her.

But shockingly, to everyone else, there was a wall. She refused to discuss it with her family, and didn’t even tell Winn and James anything. To them, she acted like everything was back to normal. And Lena had no idea until she got a call from Kara’s house that wasn’t from her best friend.

“Hey, Lena,” she heard the Eliza’s familiar voice greet her across the line. “It’s not Kara, it’s Eliza, but I was hoping we could talk.”

“Okay…” Lena was nervous as to what that meant. “Is Kara okay?”

“She’s fine! I promise, she’s fine. It’s not about that. It’s just…” Eliza gave a nervous laugh of her own, seeming to be embarrassed she had to make that phone call in the first place. “I hate to ask you this, but I was wondering if she’s told you anything about how she’s doing with handling her dad’s death. She won’t talk to me or Alex and I’m worried.”

“Oh - uh - I mean, yeah, she talks about it,” Lena stumbled from unexpectedly being put in the middle of it. “She talks about it a lot. She’s still really upset, but I think considering everything she’s doing okay.”

“Okay, good,” Eliza gave a sigh of relief. Then, after a moment she was pleading, “I don’t want you to violate her trust, but is there _anything_ else you can tell me? I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need to. You’re just the only one she’s opening up to.”

And while that surprised her, Lena didn’t show it. She figured things with Kara and Eliza had been as they always were - incredibly close knit. Kara had never shut her mom out before and Eliza’s helplessness from her daughter doing it now was clear as day. But still, Lena didn’t want to betray Kara’s confidence in her.

“I wish I could say more, but… she’s fine,” Lena offered. “I promise, she’s doing alright. If I was worried I’d tell you. It’s just hard for her, because she feels like your family will never be the same again.”

“Oh, god,” Eliza sympathetically sighed. “It’s not like that. We’re all just healing.”

“I know,” Lena promised. “And she knows that too. I think she just…”

“Just what?” Eliza clung on to the start of her trailed off sentence.

And while Lena hesitated to finish, she eventually anxiously got out, “I don’t want to tell you what to do or how to run stuff, but I think it’d help if you guys had more family time. The way you used to. I think she misses that a lot.”

“Family time,” Eliza hummed. “Okay. Yeah. We’ll do that. That actually helps a lot. Thank you.”

“Of course,” she smiled, glad that she could be of assistance. “But can you not tell Kara you called? I don’t want her to be mad.”

“Same goes to you,” Eliza finally sounded somewhat uplifted. “I’ll see you soon, okay, honey?”

“Sounds good,” Lena grinned at the promising tone. “See you then.”

 

 

xx

 

 

When Lena told Eliza Kara needed a family day, what she _didn’t_ expect was to be invited. It was later that week, the Friday after the Thanksgiving came around. Lena knew the Danvers’ tradition was to put up their tree that day, but it seemed like both of the sisters had planned to break it when she went over. She got there and Eliza let her in as Alex was whining about doing it and Kara was silently sitting off to the side, withdrawn and uninterested.

When Lena went to sit beside her, her best friend just murmured, “This won’t be the same without my dad.”

Lena took a deep breath, then firmly grabbed her hand for comfort’s sake. “I know.”

Kara kept staring into space, then turned to look at Lena instead with such appreciation in her eyes it blew the dark haired girl away. “Thank you for being here.”

“Of course,” Lena nodded as her heart pounded in her chest from the sincerity. “I'll always be there for you.”

“I know,” Kara did one of her weak smiles. “You're the one person who… Yeah. That's actually true. I know.”

 

 

xx

 

 

In school, Lena was continuing to get closer to Brainy, and one day in December she felt comfortable enough to ask someone for advice about Kara for the first time in her life. She had never gotten anyone’s opinion on things related to Kara before, but as she felt a loss of what to do, she turned to him.

“You know how we're both super smart?” Lena pondered next to him in sixth period English one day.

“Yes,” Brainy confirmed. “I am the smartest kid in our grade… And you are the second.”

“Debatable, but sure,” Lena teased back to what she knew was a serious remark. “But do you ever feel dumb anyway? Like, when it comes to talking to people?”

“Yes. Yes, I do,” he treaded carefully. “People think I am weird.”

“You're not weird,” Lena rolled her eyes. “I just… Kara's dad died and I feel terrible. I can't make things better for her and I don't know what to say, and I _always_ know things – or at least I figure them out later. But with this, I can't. I can’t figure out how to make this any better for her.”

“I see,” Brainy took it all in. “I am afraid I am not going to be able to assist you.”

“Seriously?” Lena gawked with disbelief. “You're not even going to _try_?”

Brainy avoided eye contact, nervously proclaiming, “You are my only friend. I have no other experience in this area, so I cannot assist you in handling other friendships. I do not know what to do.”

“Brainy,” Lena pled. “I never ask for advice about anything, never mind _Kara_. You gotta give me something.”

She watched as he was quiet, clearly contemplating his next move, then he profoundly professed, “I am autistic. That means I have trouble understanding social cues. I do not know how to adequately comfort people. It is part of why I am so weird.”

“I told you, you're not weird,” Lena scoffed. But she took in what he said with gratitude, because from his composure it was made clear that he didn't share that information easily. “Being different is what makes you so cool. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“You did not. I am still comfortable,” Brainy glanced at her. “I just wish I knew what to say. I wish I could help.”

“Yeah. But it's okay,” Lena offered. “I'll figure it out.”

“I predict you will,” Brainy nodded with his usual seriousness. “And if it helps, although I do not have experience with friendships outside of you, I think what you are doing with Kara is the most helpful thing you can do. You are a very good friend, Lena. To everyone.”

Lena looked up at him with thankfulness and grace, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “That does help. Thank you.”

“Not a problem.” He pursed his lips with seriousness before telling her, “I watch people a lot to learn proper customs. A therapist suggested it, as it helps me better understand how to properly socialize.” He looked in her general direction for the first time. “Watching you with Kara has been the most helpful thing yet. It has taught me many things about how to be a good friend to someone, because you are a very great friend to her. As is she to you.”

“Yeah. We make a good pair,” Lena agreed with a small smile. She took a deep breath, but couldn't wipe the grin off her face from the comment. Maybe all she had needed to hear this whole time was that she was still doing a good job being her best friend. “You just helped me a lot. That was the perfect advice.”

“I do not know how,” Brainy recited back. But there was also a proud smile on his face, one that Lena had never seen before. “I have never given advice before, so I do not think I am good at it.”

“You’re better than you think,” she told him as she turned back to the assignment they were supposed to be doing. “That was the perfect thing to say.”

“Good. I am very happy to hear that,” Brainy curtly nodded. After a moment, he continued, “Additionally, can you not tell anyone about what I told you? About having Asperger’s?”

“Of course not,” Lena promised. “I won't even tell Kara. Okay?”

“Okay,” Brainy gave a satisfied smile. “You are the kindest person I've ever met, Lena Luthor.”

“No – no, I'm not,” Lena bashfully stumbled, thinking of how much her best friend inspired that. “But one day I hope I can be.”

 

 

xx

 

 

In December, Kara invited Lena over to her house for a family night yet again, and while she considered it an honor, she also recognized that it only meant the Danvers weren't quite put back together yet. Lena didn't realize how selfless she had become over the years until she found herself wishing she wasn't invited anymore and Kara's family was back to normal. She would miss attending, but more than ever, she wanted Kara and her family to be happy again. She cared about that even more than being included.

But the Danvers weren't at that point yet, and at the end of the night, as her and Kara sat in the window waiting for her driver to pick her up, that became perfectly clear as her best friend conveyed, “You know you're the only reason why these stupid game nights feel close to normal again, right?”

She looked over at the sudden break in the silence, smiling at the sincerity in Kara’s voice. “I told you. I'll always help however I can. And your house is still my favorite place to be.”

“I'm glad. Because this house needs you,” Kara tried to laugh. “You have no idea how much we all need you. And how much you've helped _all_ of us.”

Lena smiled at Kara again, simply wrapping a comforting arm around her waist to pull them closer together on the couch.

But before she could say anything back, Kara was speaking again. “Thank you for being the glue to my family.”

“I'm not the glue to your family,” Lena laughed at the dramatics. “Your family is just picking up the pieces right now.”

“Yeah. But you're holding us together while we do it,” Kara softly murmured. She was quiet for a second, then turned to Lena with the most grateful gaze. “I know my mom called you a couple months ago. I was in the hallway eavesdropping. I know these family nights were your idea. And I want to be annoyed that you told her I wanted this time together, but I also know they're the only reason we all feel closer to okay than we have in a long time. So, thank you. For everything you’ve done, thank you.”

Lena paused, feeling her face heat up at Kara’s profoundness. “What are friends for, right?”

“Yeah,” Kara smiled back. But she shook her head with visible awe. “There's not another friend like you out there, though.”

“There totally is somewhere,” Lena rolled her eyes at Kara's naivety. “Someone out there’s probably better than me in every way.”

Kara just scoffed at the suggestion. “Let me tell you something right now: that's impossible.”

“I think you're wrong. But for my sake, I hope you'll never find out,” Lena teasingly smiled.

“I won’t, because it’s literally impossible for anyone to be better than you,” Kara swore on it. “You're the best human in the universe – there's no changing my mind on that.” Kara paused, looking over to her with all the stars in the night sky gleaming in her eyes. “You're my whole world, you know?”

“I know,” Lena wrapped an arm around her best friend. “Just like you're mine.”

 

 

xx

 

 

As time went on, things began going back to normal more and more. The Danvers were slowly piecing themselves back together, and eventually, although Lena was still invited to their family nights, she realized she was no longer needed. Now, instead of being the glue, she was there because the three Danvers’ simply wanted her to be there.

Granted, there was still pain – there was plenty of sorrow in each of their eyes – but it became less cold over the months. The warmth returned, and somewhere in between, Kara's house became their safe haven yet again.

Lena was glad for that.

 

 

xx

 

 

Valentine’s day, they ordered another heart-shaped pizza.

This time, Maggie wasn't there.

That was when everyone realized they hadn’t seen her in weeks.

 

 

xx

 

 

Alex never told anyone what happened between the two of them or why Maggie didn’t come around anymore. One day, they were together, then the next it was like she'd never had a girlfriend to begin with. There was no mention of a break up, no matter how many times people hinted at it, and Alex seemed to be okay.

Until she wasn't.

Lena was sleeping over when she heard the sobs through the wall. Kara had fallen asleep early, but Lena had stayed up, texting Brainy and watching the teen drama Kara had left playing on TV. When she first heard the tears, she thought it was all in her head due to Alex seeming so fine all the time, but as she listened longer, she realized they were definitely real.

She didn't know what to do, so she shook Kara awake, because she knew her best friend knew how to comfort anyone. She always found the magic words, always knowing exactly what to say to bring solace, and Lena figured Alex needed that.

“Mmm?” Kara groaned, not opening her eyes.

“Alex is crying,” Lena urgently whispered. When Kara didn't stir, Lena shook her again, this time forcefully enough to get her to open her eyes. “Kara, Alex is _crying_ ,” she repeated.

Kara furrowed her eyebrows, looking to the wall with piqued interest, then shooting up with concern and putting on her glasses. “What happened?”

“I don't know. It just started, I think.”

Kara looked at her worriedly, then stood up with confidence. “Let’s go.”

“You want me to come with?”

“Of course. You're the one who always knows what to say in times like these.”

“No, that's you!” Lena exclaimed, unable to even fathom such a thing. She never knew what to say.

“No, it's definitely you,” Kara genuinely argued. “Now, c’mon.”

Lena nervously got out of bed with her, both of them quietly moving to knock on Alex's door. The room immediately fell almost silent, but held back sobs were evident no matter how hard Alex tried to hide them.

“Alex?” Kara whispered through the door in order to not wake up their mom. “You okay?”

There was still no answer and the two pre-teens stared at each other, not knowing what to do until Kara opened the door to peek in. Alex was laying the dark, buried under her covers and pretending to sleep, but her body was shaking too much to pull it off.

“Alex,” Kara sympathetically sighed, going over to hug her sister from behind. “You're okay.”

That only made the tears come down harder and Lena had to look away in order to pull herself together. Seeing Alex cry was something she never thought would happen. After a minute, she walked forward to rest a soothing hand on her leg beside Kara.

“What's wrong?” she asked.

“I don't want to talk about,” Alex choked out.

“Is it about Dad?” Kara inquired further.

“No.” It took a second for her to expand, but eventually Alex shook her head. “I miss Maggie so much.”

Kara looked up to Lena with surprise, clearly unsure of what to say.

“I know it's just high school, but I loved her,” Alex turned around, looking at them both with red-rimmed eyes. “I do still. I love her.”

“You'll love someone else one day though, right?”

“I feel like I won't. Not like I love her,” Alex wiped away more tears. “I mean, she was everything to me. I would've done anything for her.”

Lena looked to Kara for a moment, knowing how that felt. She couldn't imagine losing her either.

“I thought she was the greatest person in the world, guys. I pictured us growing old together, moving in together, spending our whole lives together. She was pretty, smart, funny… She was the nicest, most sweetest person I know – I mean, how could anyone not love her, right?” Alex listed off. “I spent so much time with her and still always wanted more.I couldn’t get enough of her. And now I'll never have her again. I'll never get to show her the world – I wanted to show her the world, you know that? I still want to – I just wanted to do everything for her, to make her the happiest girl in the world. Because I love her. I would've defended her, even if she was in the wrong. I would've never given up on her, even if she did something terrible one day. I was _in it_. I thought we'd be together forever.”

Lena sat, confused for a second, before she pushed her own thoughts away and focused on comforting Alex. She couldn’t get lost in her own world while the girl that was practically her own sister was so upset.

But when they were back in Kara’s room, when they were alone and Alex was calm again, she found her mind racing. Her and Kara were in the same position as before, with Kara sleeping and Lena awake beside her, so she just let her mind wander. In doing so, she also let fear overwhelm her, as for the first time, she actually wondered if _she_ was gay.

Because what Alex said about Maggie was exactly how Lena felt about Kara. Kara could do anything and Lena would have her back – even if it was the worst thing in the world. Whatever came up in their future, no matter how she pictured life happening, the one thing constant was that Kara was there beside her. And she didn't like anyone as much as she liked Kara. Kara was _Kara_. Just like Maggie was _Maggie_ to Alex.

That realization left her up all night.

 

 

xx

 

 

When Lena got home, she was still questioning what suddenly felt like her entire identity, how she might be gay too. But then, after that, she found herself wondering if she was even old enough to be gay. She was only ten, after all, and according to her parents, ten-year-olds shouldn't even know what _gay_ means. So, she was probably just confused.

Like, what did being gay even feel like? Because she felt normal. She didn't feel like a bad person. But, on the other hand, she also felt so tremendously fond of Kara in a way that she was realizing she maybe shouldn't. And she didn't know what to do with that, because those ideas conflicted. It wouldn't be normal for her to be gay, yet she felt normal while feeling for Kara the way she did.

Which that was also a weird thought, because she was completely fine with Alex being gay - Alex was normal. But for some reason, when it came to herself… Lena just couldn't be. She couldn't be gay and she couldn't like Kara like that. It wouldn't be okay for her. In fact, it'd be disastrous.

 _So_ , she decided, _Even if I am, I’ll just force myself to be straight._

As she grew up, she'd realize that that was easier said than done.

 

 

xx

 

 

After the possibility of being gay arose, Lena immediately found herself hating a plethora of things relating to questioning her sexuality. However, what she hated the most by far was that everything she did with Kara suddenly felt tainted. She could no longer enjoy their long hugs or sentimental words without her mind drifting off to anxiety-filled thoughts about whether or not her feelings were platonic versus romantic. Every interaction they had, that was suddenly all she was secretly wondering. Did she like Kara as a friend or was it a crush? She didn’t know, and that was terrifying.

So terrifying, that eventually she couldn't take it and pulled up a google search to determine if she was gay once and for all. She needed to know. Even if it wasn't the answer she wanted, she needed to at least know it. And scholarly sources were bound have an answer – they had never let her down before, after all. But before she could get to them, her eye caught a sponsored quiz at top of her results.

_The Gay Test_

Her mouse hovered over it a moment as she was hesitant to click it, but then she decided she had to. It could finally be an answer. And if it was, that'd mean she could finally stop agonizing over it. And it was from a semi-credible site as far as online quizzes went, so it was probably legit – _maybe_. At least, she'd tell herself it was, because a quiz was exactly what she needed.

Except it didn't give her the right result. Which, to be fair, Lena could tell as she took it that her answers weren't the right, _straight_ answers. But she kept up her honestly despite it, because she didn't think the label at the end would bother her so much. She genuinely didn't expect to be mortified by it, even if it did decide she was gay. But as the result of, ‘ _You are most likely homosexual_ ’ illuminated the screen, she felt her throat close and breathing get heavy. She felt like the walls were closing in on her.

It was the first time Lena realized just how much she couldn't be gay. No matter the circumstances, no matter what, she couldn't feel that way about girls. Alex could. Maggie could. Everyone else in the world could. But not her. Not a Luthor.

And she hated that this was the one time her last name mattered to her, because she still never wanted to be a Luthor to begin with, but since she was, since her dad was her dad, she knew she could never come out if she did end up being gay. It would kill him if she did. And she couldn't do that. In her eyes, he was the only real family she had left.

 

 

xx

 

 

Around Easter, Kara's family invited her over to color eggs. It was something Lena had never done before and her mom threw a fit when the dye stained her hands. She had to go to a gala with green fingertips. Lillian was livid. The almost-eleven-year-old found it hilarious.

 

 

xx

 

 

That summer, Lena realized how much her and Kara truly were growing up – mostly because she was developing unmissable mounds on her chest when no one else their age had them. In fact, it so embarrassing that she refused to wear a swimsuit almost all summer. But eventually, after a lot of begging, Kara convinced her to go to Lucy's end of summer pool party, and she knew that meant she'd have to.

On that early-August day, she found herself in Kara's well-decorated bedroom with her swimsuit on and chest looking huge, full of self-consciousness. She hated that no matter how much she fiddled with the bikini top, her boobs never seemed to look smaller.

“You look great,” Kara put her hands on Lena’s arms to stop her from adjusting the swimsuit yet again. “The boys are gonna love it.”

“I don't want the attention of boys,” Lena rolled her eyes, then silently wondered if that meant she truly was gay. Was she supposed to want the attention of boys? She pushed that aside and huffed, “I just want to blend in.”

“Well, even without boobs, _that_ wouldn't be possible,” Kara scoffed at the thought. “Some people were born to stand out and be extraordinary. You're one of them.”

Lena felt her face grow warm at the compliment, pushing strands of hair behind her ear with bashfulness and anxiety of whether or not being so flattered was normal for a straight person. After she pulled herself together, she reminded them, “I’m the queen of blending in, Kar.”

“Maybe to blind people,” her best friend laughed. “But _I've_ seen you loud and clear since kindergarten. You've never been just another face in the crowd. You're unmissable, Lena.”

Lena looked down, pondering how someone could think of her so highly - especially someone like Kara. Then, looked back up to those pure blue eyes with awe. “Do you really think that?”

“I'd fight anyone who said differently,” she indignantly scoffed, not seeming to grasp how much those words meant to the girl who had always so desperately tried to be outstanding, yet always seemed to fall short in everyone else’s eyes. “You, Lena Luthor, are going to change the whole world one day. And it blows my mind that you don't know that yet.”

 

 

xx

 

 

At the pool party, Lena’s worst fear came to life as she realized how different she looked from all the other girls – and that fact bothered her even more when she remembered she was still a year younger than most of them. It wasn't fair that she had to deal with boobs when no one else did yet. Lucy, Kara, Jess, Leslie, Imra… No one else in their group had them.

And it seemed like all the boys suddenly noticed her, which didn’t leave Lena feeling like she stood out due to her great personality like Kara had tried to convince her of earlier. She felt ogled over and found herself with her arms across her chest as much as possible. It seemed like the only guy there that didn't notice was Brainy.

“You look rather uncomfortable,” he announced when it was just the two of them, halfway through the party. “Is that true or not true?”

“It's true,” Lena sighed, pulling her arms closer to her body as if it could protect her from the stares. Which, rationally she knew people couldn't be staring as much as it seemed, but in the mind of a newly turned eleven-year-old it felt like everyone was watching.

“What is the problem you seem to be facing?”

Lena didn't know how to explain it to the one person who hadn't noticed, so she shook her head and tried to brush it off as, “I'm uncomfortable.”

“I see,” Brainy analytically looked her up and down. “With your body?”

“Yes,” Lena mumbled. “I guess.”

“Because of your chest, I presume,” he assessed her correctly. Then, he rushed to assure her, “I was not checking you out, but your arms have been hiding it approximately,” he checked his watch, “twenty-eight minutes straight.”

His guess took her by surprise and she looked up at him with worried eyes and a timid nod. “I just don't like looking different from everyone else.”

“I understand. Nor do I like being different,” he gave a knowing smile. “But a wise friend once told me in sixth period English, being different is what makes you cool. And you are different from other people in many ways, making you very cool. It is why you are one of my fondest friends.”

Lena looked up at him, relaxing for what felt like the first time since the party had begun. “Thanks, Brainy.”

“I am happy to assist,” he smiled back. “And thank you for inviting me to this… party. I have not been invited to one before and I enjoy it a lot.”

She looked at him with surprise, but decided not to make a big deal out of the confession as she proclaimed, “You're one of my fondest friends too. I wanted you here.”

“Good,” he curtly nodded. “That makes me quite happy.”

 

 

xx

 

 

With only a week until school started left of their summer, when their schedules had been sent out, Lena sat in Kara's bedroom yet again to hear her best friend let out a regretful sigh as she looked over hers.

“I know it's stupid, but I wish I signed up for choir,” she brought up the idea for the first time.

The announcement made Lena look up with surprise, not because she didn't think Kara was a good singer, but because the desire to join hadn't been mentioned before. “You wanted to?”

“I mean, I was thinking about it this summer, because I like singing – I even mentioned the idea to Lucy a while ago – but I didn't sign up last year when they asked,” her best friend frowned. “So, now I have to wait until next year.”

“No, you don't,” Lena wrinkled her nose. “Just have your mom call the school and tell them you want to change your schedule.”

“She can do that?”

“Oh, yeah,” Lena confidently confirmed. “Last year, they didn't put me in honors English and my mom threw a fit. She called the school and they changed the schedule with no problem.”

“Oh. I guess I could do that,” Kara faced the ground, fiddling with her thumbs. “I just don't want to make it a big deal.”

“I know. But it's not. It's just putting your name in choir and taking you out of some other elective,” Lena shrugged it off. “You gotta do it.”

Kara looked up at her with what seemed like a mix of uncertainty and surprise to ask, “You really think so?”

“I do,” Lena promised. “If you don't make your mom call, I will. If you want to join, you should!”

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right,” Kara grinned. She looked at her schedule again, then up to Lena with newfound confidence in her decision. “I'll tell my mom when we’re done with dinner.”

“Good,” Lena smiled at the outcome. Then, she found herself with a puzzled expression as she eventually asked, “Why didn't you tell me you wanted to join? Since you've been thinking about it all summer, you know – like, why didn't you tell me? You told Lucy.”

“I know,” Kara suddenly fiddled with her glasses. “I guess – I don't know.”

“Yes, you do,” Lena gave a knowing smile. “I can tell. What is it?”

“Well… It’s just, you're a child prodigy. I figured you'd think choir was stupid or a waste of time,” Kara laughed it off. “I didn't want you to look down on me.”

“Oh, God, not at all,” Lena urgently promised. “I mean, just because I'm forced into boring classes doesn't mean you should be. And you _are_ a good singer. If you want to join, you totally should!”

“Thanks,” Kara gave a bashful grin. “That means a lot.”

“Of course,” Lena nodded. She thought about what else she wanted to say about it, because there were so many thoughts swimming through her mind at the idea of Kara hiding something because she thought Lena would think it was stupid, then she settled for, “Just because we’re different and aren't always interested in the same things or just because I'm a ‘child prodigy’, as you called it, I'll never think anything you want to do is stupid. If you want something or like something, I’ll always want to know about it. And even if I don't like it or whatever, I'll still want to hear about how you do. I'll never look down on you for anything.”

“I know,” Kara smiled up at her. “I think I knew that about this too, even. It's just – you can be really intimidating with how smart you are and stuff. Sometimes it's still surprising you even want to be my friend when you're so far ahead of me in life.”

“Kara. I’m not far ahead of you at all. We’re always side-by-side,” Lena corrected her. “Even if I know a lot of stuff, we will _always_ be side-by-side. I'd never leave you behind. We're equals. And you're my other half. Remember the necklaces?”

Lena pointed to the charm necklace Kara had bought them in third grade, one with _best_ and one with _friends_. She was pretty sure the only time either of them took them off was to shower. They were worn down now and the metal was getting rusty, but the sentiment was still there.

“I remember,” Kara played with her own. “I just forget sometimes. I get insecure.”

“I know. Me too. But don't,” Lena told her. “You and me are forever.”

“And ever,” Kara agreed.

They exchanged smiles and Lena nodded along, confirming it for them for what felt like the billionth time. She held out her pinky, proclaiming, “Forever and ever?”

Kara took her own pinky and grabbed on, now wearing a wide smile and glowing with joy. “Forever and ever. I’d bet our lives on it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prepare for a lil angst next chapter :)
> 
> and thank you for reading :)


	8. seventh grade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "true love" and heartbreak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates in one week? who am I, you ask? I don't know either, just enjoy without questioning it

The beginning of seventh grade was when everything seemed to change for them. Kara had always been well-liked and what Lena would consider popular, but getting contacts that September made it even more so. Boys suddenly had even more of an interest in her and girls seemed to be keener as well, as she suddenly went from being the ‘nice’ kind of cool to the ‘nice and _pretty_ ’ kind of cool.

And honestly, Lena couldn't even blame anyone for it either. She had seen Kara without her glasses plenty of times late at night at their sleepovers, but seeing her fully dressed and put together with her contacts on… Her best friend really was stunning. More than that, she was absolutely beautiful.

Then, as the year went on, she began wearing her hair down more, and she slowly transformed from being a tomboy like Alex into being her own person. She started doing her hair before school and eventually added in makeup, which only made her pale blue eyes and porcelain skin stand out more. And Lena wasn’t the only one who thought so. It seemed like everyone suddenly wanted to be her friend.

Eventually, both of them were greeted by almost every passerby as they walked through the halls, and Kara was getting invited to hang out with people left and right. They all saw her as the prettiest girl in school now. That was the girl Lena had seen her as from the beginning.

 

 

xx

 

 

She wasn't sure how, but Kara seemed to miss that there was newfound attention on her until it slapped her in the face. Unsurprisingly, the bold move was made by James, who was still the leader of the pack in their grade. He came up to them after school one day on their way to the bus and asked for a moment of privacy. Lena left, not knowing what was going on, and when Kara came to sit beside her a few minutes later, her grin was goofier than ever.

Lena rose her eyebrows, not needing to say anything for Kara to tell her what happened.

“He kissed me,” she smiled as she plopped down beside her, biting her lip with excitement.

“What?” Lena was more than shocked. “James?”

“Yeah!” Kara exclaimed, her head seeming to be all over the place. “I – I wasn't expecting it, but he did! No one’s ever kissed me!”

“I know,” Lena tried to laugh, but she didn't understand the tight feeling in her chest or why she felt a twitch of anger pulsing through her veins. “Wow.”

“I can't believe it,” Kara kept up her giddiness. “You think he likes me?”

“I've been telling you for weeks that _all_ the boys like you,” Lena fought to keep her voice from betraying her as she held her all-consuming bitterness inside. “I'm not surprised.”

“I am,” Kara’s sigh was dreamy. “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Lena gave her a smile, then stared down at her backpack. Her thoughts were going a thousand miles per hour, but one question stood out more than the rest. “Did you like it?”

“I mean…” Kara was quiet as she thought about it, then slowly nodded, “Yeah. Yeah, I think I did.”

And for some reason, that only upset Lena more, but she forced out a smile anyway, because she knew she _should_ be happy for her best friend. “Good.”

She turned to look out the window again, this time with a sinking feeling in her chest, wondering why this news made her so sad. Because Kara was her best friend. She should be thrilled for her right now - it was her first kiss! Even if Lena might be gay, even if she might like Kara in ways she'd never admit, she should still be happy for her. And it bothered her that she was too selfish to do that.

Yet, as much as she tried, for the first time since they’d met, Lena couldn't find it in her to share Kara’s joy. She really wanted to, but she didn't know how to stop herself from feeling so torn apart by it. Hell, it was taking everything in her not to cry right then, right there, right on the bus, in front of everyone. Because she couldn’t push aside the inexplicable, searing pain coursing through her entire body - a pain unlike any other she'd felt before.

She'd later learn that was called heartbreak.

 

 

xx

 

 

Two weeks later, Kara and James officially started dating. It was Kara’s first relationship. She was so happy. Lena couldn’t be more upset. She hated herself for that.

 

 

xx

 

 

The day before everyone left school for Thanksgiving break was when Lucy interrupted one of Lena’s longing stare towards Kara and James. They had been dating for over a month and her best friend seemed so happy. She was so invested in watching them that she didn’t even realize Lucy was nearby until she was talking to her.

“You like him too, huh?” she asked with a quirky grin.

“Huh?” Lena pulled herself out of her trance. “Who?”

Lucy rose a knowing eyebrow, nodding over to the area where her best friend was standing. “You know who. You stare at them every time they’re together.”

“Oh, _James_? No. No. No, no, no,” Lena insisted, nervously brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “He’s Kara’s cup of tea. Not mine.”

“Yeah, but I see the way you look at him too,” she didn’t let it go. “Honestly, it’s been obvious. You gotta like him or you wouldn’t be staring so much every time she’s with him.”

Lena contemplated her options, but quickly realized she didn’t have any. She couldn’t tell Lucy it wasn’t the boy she was staring at without raising questions, and she also couldn’t claim she liked her best friend’s boyfriend. It was a lose-lose situation.

“It’s okay. I won’t tell,” Lucy promised when it was clear she wouldn’t be getting an answer. “I get it. I like him too. He’s really grown up since elementary school, right?”

“Uh - yeah. Sure,” Lena mustered out.

But she didn’t see his appeal.

And even if she did, she could already tell that Kara deserved better.

 

 

xx

 

 

The holidays were coming up when Kara unknowingly took Lena’s broken heart and shattered it. Lena was sleeping over that night. They planned to exchange gifts, then Eliza was going to make them hot chocolate and start a fire. It was supposed to be a great night - and it was something Lena had been looking forward to all week, because now that Kara had a boyfriend, their time together seemed rare.

But it ended up being one of the worst nights of her life.

Kara was nervous about something from the second she got there, but she wouldn’t say what it was. Even when Lena asked her what was wrong, she’d just deny she was upset altogether. But after an hour, it seemed she couldn’t hold it in any longer, as she hesitantly stuttered, “I, uh, I need to talk to you about something.” That got Lena’s full attention. “It’s something I don’t like. And I don’t think you will either.”

“Okay,” Lena drawled out in response. “What’s wrong?”

“Well - James,” Kara stumbled to explain. “It’s - he doesn’t want us to be friends anymore.” When Lena didn’t reply, Kara quietly repeated the booming words as if Lena didn’t get it the first time. “Me and you. He doesn’t want us to be friends.”

When she regained the ability to speak, her voice came out low and resentful. “Why not?”

“I don’t know,” Kara sighed. “He didn’t really tell me.”

“Well, are you gonna listen?” Lena hesitantly pried, full of confusion and mixed feelings.

“I mean, he’s my boyfriend,” Kara regretfully looked down. “I have to listen to my boyfriend, right? Isn’t that how relationships work?”

And Lena couldn’t answer, because, honestly, she didn’t know. She just knew that Kara was picking James over her, which was something more than she could take.

“So, that’s it for us?” she clarified, ignoring the question entirely.

“I don’t know,” Kara bit her lip in response. “I don’t want it to be - and it doesn’t have to be! Like, we can be friends without him knowing, you know? And just pretend not to know each other school and stuff.”

Lena felt her lip quiver as she slowly shook her head, her words coming out shaky and tearful, because, “I don’t think that’ll work for me, Kar.”

“Why not?”

And Lena didn’t have an explanation that her best friend would understand. She’d just rather not have Kara in her life at all than have Kara in her life while knowing she’s continuously picking James - therefore, showing that Lena was never as important as she’d thought. But clearly, based on the confused look on Kara’s face, her best friend didn’t understand that. She really did think a secret friendship was the answer to their problem.

“I just don’t think it’ll work,” Lena wiped away stray tears. “It’d hurt too much.”

“And not being friends wouldn’t hurt?” Kara quizzed.

“No. That’ll hurt too. That’ll hurt more than you know, actually,” Lena gave a bitter laugh. “But keeping you a secret would kill me. I want everyone to know you’re my best friend. And it’d just hurt to know that you wouldn’t feel the same.”

“I would feel the same - I _do_ feel the same!” Kara protested. “But he’s my boyfriend! And I don’t want to lose him.”

“So, you’d rather lose me,” Lena voiced the truth.

“I don’t have to lose you, though!” Kara still tried to convince her. “We can be friends without him knowing!”

“No. You’d just rather lose me,” Lena murmured again, wiping more tears away. “So much for forever and ever.”

“Lena, we _can_ be forever and ever, we’d just-”

“I’m not interested,” Lena cut her off. She stood up and grabbed Kara’s presents from her backpack, gently placing them in front of her as she walked out of the room, her eyes burning from the tears that were going to fall any minute. “Merry Christmas, Kara.”

“Wait! Where are you going?” Her best friend called after her.

“Home,” she snipped.

Kara rushed to stand up at that, pleading for her to change her mind one last time before she got to the door. “Please, stay! I want you here.”

“But I can’t be here,” Lena’s breathing started getting shallower as the tears began to fall harder.

“You can!” Kara begged. “You can, we can make this work, we can-”

“No, you can. _I_ can’t,” she reiterated, this time with more firmness to her voice. “I can’t, because for me it’d just - it’d hurt too much, okay? Keeping you a secret would kill me, day in and day out. And I can’t do that to myself!”

“So, what?” Kara asked as Lena stood in her doorway, ready to bolt. “You’re just gonna give up on us?”

“No. I’m not the one giving up, Kar,” she squeaked out. There was silence to follow it, and Lena took a deep breath to pull herself together. She took one more deep breath, then jutted out her chin to emphasize, “I’m not the one giving up on us at all.”

“Lena-”

“I can’t. I can’t do this,” she shook her head. “I need to go. And I need you not to follow me when I do.”

“But, Lena-”

“I mean it,” she turned back to make eye contact, trying to make it crystal clear how badly she needed Kara to listen. Her voice was low and the gravest it had ever been while talking to the girl in front of her. “I’m going to leave, and I need you not to follow. Do you understand?”

Kara hesitated, but after a moment she agreed with a quivering lip of her own. “Yeah… I understand.”

Lena let out a sigh of relief, and with a quivering lip, turned around, knowing she might be walking away for good.

Apparently, forever and ever was a scam.

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena didn’t tell anyone why she came home with a red puffy face that had clearly just been sobbing. Even when her dad asked, she didn’t have it in her to tell him. She had to suffer through this one alone. Because it shouldn’t hurt so much to lose her best friend.

As she mourned over the loss of Kara, that’s all Lena could think about. It shouldn’t be hurting her that much. It was how she first realized that she truly did like her as more than a friend. Finally accepting that only made it hurt more.

 

 

xx

 

 

It took no time at all to realize that a life without Kara was a life Lena didn’t enjoy one bit. Time went slower. The world stopped being beautiful. And while Lena always knew it, for the first time since they were kids she had to accept that without Kara, her life was a very dark place.

 

 

xx

 

 

Not going over to the Danvers’ for their annual New Year’s Eve celebration was hard. Really hard. She stayed home and cried instead.

Then, when Kara posted pictures of her and James kissing at midnight the next day, she cried even more, all while thinking about how, _It shouldn’t hurt this bad._

 

 

xx

 

 

At the end of January, Lucy came up to her with a look of pity and tiny scrap of paper. Lena was bent over at her locker getting the books she’d need for her next class, and Lucy looked at her as if she knew she’d cried almost every night for the past month-and-a-half.

“My number,” she offered, extending the paper in her hands. “For if you ever need a friend.”

“Thanks,” Lena didn’t have it in her to give a real smile.

“No problem,” Lucy nodded back politely. Then, she timidly bit her lip as she announced, “I’m sorry for insisting you liked him a few months ago. And I’m sorry _I_ liked him. I guess he hasn’t changed as much as I thought.”

“Yeah. I guess not,” Lena gave a small laugh, not mentioning how she never liked him to begin with.

Lucy stared for a while, but Lena didn’t have the heart to make eye contact or expand the conversation. “Call me if you need anything.”

“I will. Thanks,” Lena tried to sound grateful.

But she really didn’t want to call anyone. Except Kara. The one girl she couldn’t have.

 

 

xx

 

 

On Valentine’s day, Lena sat at home alone, missing her heart-shaped pizza and Kara’s company. She remembered the flowers they’d gotten each other last year and all the chocolate they’d always eat together on this day.

Now, she was spending it with James.

Tragic.

 

 

xx

 

 

During fourth period Algebra, Brainy outwardly assessed her for the first time. Lena knew he’d been doing it silently the past three months, but he never said anything out loud. Every now and then he’d awkwardly ask if she was okay, but he never pried when she dismissed it with a, _Yeah, I’m fine_. Until he did.

“I have realized why you are so sad,” he announced as if it had been a mystery all this time.

And then, Lena realized, to him, it probably had been. She’d never given him any explanation. One day, she was happy, then the next she was moping around, unable to tell anyone why she was so sad without risking losing her composure. Lucy only knew because Kara must’ve told her.

“I am sorry for your loss,” Brainy gave her a sympathetic smile.

For the first time, Lena felt a little better, because he was so innocent in saying such a thing that she had to. “It’s okay, Brainy.”

“No, it is not,” he solemnly argued. “But whatever happened, she is making a mistake. And I predict she knows that. I predict she will come back.”

Lena’s smile fell again at that, because her own hope for such a thing was diminishing. Nevertheless, she tried to muster through with a brave face. “Fingers crossed, she will.”

“My fingers will be metaphorically crossed for you,” Brainy confirmed. “I hope it will be soon.”

 

 

xx

 

 

It wasn’t soon.

Lena was alone for a while after that, actually.

But Brainy’s friendship made it a little better.

And, when Lena finally swallowed her pride and called, so did Lucy’s.

 

 

xx

 

 

That spring break, Lena spent time at her new friends’ houses, but she couldn’t help but notice they weren’t Kara’s. They weren’t where she grew up and they weren’t her second family’s. They weren’t her safe place.

 _But maybe, one day they will be_ , she thought. _Maybe, I just have to give it time._

Even if she didn’t want to.

 

 

xx

 

 

By the time the end of April came around, Lena began to finally feel better. She still missed Kara, but she also felt like it might be possible to build a new life without Kara in it one day. She didn’t want to, but she was realizing she might have to - and she was realizing that she could, if she really needed to. Lucy was great to confide in and Brainy always knew how to make her laugh, so she knew she’d be okay again, even if her only constant in life didn’t come back.

One day soon, she knew she’d be okay again, because day by day, piece by piece, she was slowly gluing herself back together.

 

 

xx

 

 

That mindset all fell apart a week later on May 3rd. She went to the movies with Brainy for the first time and Alex just happened to be there when she was walking out. The pang in her chest immediately came back upon seeing her, and she felt herself unraveling before Alex even realized she was there. It was so bad that Lena didn’t even plan to say ‘ _hello_ ’, but when Alex saw her she had a different idea.

“Lena!” she stepped out of line to greet her, instantly wrapping her in a tight hug when she was nearby.

It was one of the sisterly hugs that Lena had been longing for since splitting ways with Kara, and she felt herself loosening up in her arms, the tension she’d been carrying for months temporarily floating away. She hadn’t realized how badly she’d needed to be hugged like that again.

“Ugh. I’ve missed you so much!” Alex exclaimed as she pulled away. “Shit, have I missed you so much!”

“You too,” Lena felt her heart grow warm at the friendly greeting. She hadn’t been expecting it, but it was more than welcome. “How’ve you been?”

“Not too bad. I graduate next week,” she gushed. “Almost college time.”

“I bet you’re counting down,” Lena smiled. “That’s exciting.”

“It is,” Alex nodded. “You can come if you want! We have two extra tickets.”

“Oh - no. It’s fine,” Lena tried to decline as politely as she could “I don’t think your sister would like that very much.”

“She would too!” Alex tried to brush their feud away. “She loves you.”

“Yeah. She used to,” Lena grimaced, letting silence fall between them. She hesitated in asking the question, and fiddled with her fingers the whole time, but eventually got out, “How is she?”

Brainy looked down beside her and Lena knew the pain in her voice was audible.

“She’s good,” Alex gave a sad, awkward grin. “She misses you.”

“Yeah, well… I’m right here,” Lena tried to laugh. “When she doesn’t want to be a secret… I’m here. I just love her too much to hide.”

“Yeah,” Alex carefully treaded the unspoken territory. “Is that why you guys aren’t friends anymore? She wanted to be a secret?”

“Oh - uh - yeah,” Lena stuttered. She figured Kara would’ve filled Alex in on everything, so the fact that the older Danvers sister didn’t already know was surprising. “She didn’t tell you?”

“No. No one could get anything out of her. We’ve all been wondering what happened for months,” Alex sighed. A few moments later, curiosity got the best of her, though, as she asked for more information. “Why did she want you guys to be a secret?”

“James,” Lena sadly shrugged, trying to hide how much the situation still hurt to talk about. “He didn’t want us to be friends anymore.”

“And she _listened_?” Alex gawked with disbelief. “My sister chose _him_? Over you? I - _Seriously?_ She’s obsessed with you!”

“Yeah, but…” Lena trailed off, then bit her lip with a dejected shrug. “He’s her boyfriend. And she loves him.”

“Oh, God,” Alex rolled her eyes, gagging in the process. “She has her head up her ass, because that is not love.”

Lena gave the tiniest laugh at that, because even though this conversation hurt and tore open so many closed wounds, she hoped that statement might be true. “Are you sure?”

“Positive. If it was ‘love’ he wouldn’t make her choose. That’s just - that’s unhealthy,” Alex confidently announced what Lena hadn’t known.

Because in seventh grade, they were all new to the ‘relationship’ business. She didn’t know what was and wasn’t love. She didn’t know what was unhealthy and what wasn’t. Lena honestly thought Kara was making the right call. She didn’t like it, but she did, because James was her boyfriend.

“He shouldn’t be making her choose,” The older Danvers told her. Then, she turned the focus back to Lena, solemnly proclaiming, “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“It’s okay,” Lena shrugged. “I’ll get over it.”

“I hope you don’t have too,” Alex rolled her eyes. “My sister’s being a dumbass. I would’ve told her that had I known why you two stopped being friends, but she refused to tell me.”

“It’s okay,” Lena repeated with amusement at Alex’s anger on her behalf. “It’s honestly fine, Alex.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Lena smiled. “I’m really okay.”

But Kara’s sister still looked at her apprehensively, her eyes trailing her entire body up and down. Her lips were pursed, and eyebrows crinkled as she seemed to silently check up on who was once a second sister to her. When she was finished, Lena wondered if she found what she was looking for.

Alex looked back towards her friends who had already checked out, then looked back to Lena apologetically. “Well, I better getting going. Our movie is at four.”

“Oh, yeah! You should go, then,” Lena smiled, feeling her heart sink at the awkward parting.

“Yeah,” Alex smiled. She didn’t leave, though, instead staring at her a moment longer. After, she was done, she rushed to wrap her arms around Lena’s body a second time, this hug even tighter than the first. It lasted a while as Alex sighed, “God, I miss you, Lena.”

“I know. I miss you too,” Lena murmured back in her ear, their bodies still intertwined and both of them seeming to not want to let go.

When Alex pulled away, she quickly reached into her pocket to get her cell phone, handing it to Lena after she pulled it out. “Can you put your number in? Just in case?” She asked. Then, as if realizing Lena might not want to, she was rushing out, “You don’t _have_ to. I know it might be weird, I just - it’d just be nice to have it.”

“Of course,” Lena nodded, creating a contact page for herself before and handing the phone back to Alex. “You can call or text any time.”

“You can count on it,” Alex promised. She looked back to her friends, but it also looked like she didn’t want to leave yet. Surprisingly, Alex still seemed to care about her quite a bit, which was something Lena wasn’t expecting when she saw her. “Take care of yourself, okay?” Alex worriedly pled before she left. “I mean, _really_ take care of yourself. Like, _really_. I know your life outside us can be hard, and I’ve been really worried, but just… call me whenever. Or text me! Or even stop by, if you want! Just take care until I see you again. Okay?”

Lena forced a smile at the concerned words, nodding her head with genuine appreciation. She almost forgot how it felt to be so worried about by a Danvers sister. It had been a while since it last happened. But now, here Alex was, so worried for her that it was overwhelming.

And when she left, when she finally forced herself to go back to the friends she’d been in line with, it was strange, because it sparked a bit of sorrow in Lena. Before they spoke, Lena was nervous and didn’t want to talk, because she thought it’d leave her angry, but the outcome of their conversation wasn’t anger at all.

It was just sadness. And remorse. And maybe a side of despair. It left her feeling empty, like a part of her was missing. Her body felt heavier than it had in a while and her entire body was filled with this longing. She didn’t even know exactly what she was longing for. She couldn’t pinpoint a specific thing. She just knew whatever it was, she couldn’t have. The Danvers, Kara, her old life… everything she wanted again, she couldn’t have.

When Alex and her friends were gone, Brainy eventually had to pull Lena back to reality. “Are you okay?”

She turned to look at him, almost having forgotten he was there, then just faintly smiled and nodded her head. “I’ll be fine.”

They started walking to the parking lot as Lena texted her driver that they were ready to be picked up. In the blinding sunlight Brainy mentioned, “It is okay to miss them. If you do, I mean. If you miss them, that is okay.”

Lena didn’t want to talk about it, but she politely nodded nonetheless with a small, “Thanks.”

“You are welcome,” he proudly puffed out his chest. “Are we going to get ice cream now?”

“Oh, uh,” Lena stumbled for a second. She forgot that was the plan until he mentioned it. “I kind of just want to go home.”

“I see,” Brainy tsked. “Do you want company at home?”

“I don’t think so. Not today” Lena sighed. “I think I just need to be alone.”

Brainy didn’t seem to know how to respond to that, so he just gave a respectful nod and an approval of, “Okay. I understand.”

“Thanks,” Lena forced a smile. “I can have my driver drop you off at home, if that’s okay?”

“That will be just fine,” he confirmed as they both got into the black sedan.

Their drive through the town they’d both grown up in was silent, neither of them seeming to have anything to say. Or maybe they both just had too much to say and didn’t know where to start. That’s how Lena felt, at least. She had so many feelings, so many emotions that were dying to be poured out, but she didn’t know how to express them.

When they reached Brainy’s house, he looked to her before he got out of the car, once again confirming, “You are sure you’re okay?”

“I’m sure,” Lena promised. “I’ll see you Monday.”

“Yes,” Brainy looked her over one last time. “See you Monday.”

And when the door closed, her lip started quivering for the first time in a month as she pulled her knees to her chest, hugging herself to the core. God. _God_ , did she miss them.

 

 

xx

 

 

That next Monday, Kara spoke her first words to Lena since they’d split that December.

It wasn’t much. Just a simple, “Can I sit here?” on the bus, but to Lena, it was everything.

“Sure,” she murmured, scooting closer to the window.

They hadn’t sat next to each other in months. The gesture left Lena feeling like maybe she’d get her best friend back after all. But the whole ride home, not another word was spoken. They sat in silence, and when they reached Kara’s stop, she stood up and walked off the bus without so much as a Goodbye.

Lena’s heart fell yet again.

 

 

xx

 

 

The next three days, Kara asked to sit with her again, every afternoon.

Every afternoon, she still didn’t say a word.

 

 

xx

 

 

 _Finally_ , that Friday, Kara asked to sit with her, then, halfway home, she said something else as well. The words were so unexpected that Lena almost thought she’d misheard.

But loud and clear, Kara blurted out, “Can you come over?”

Lena tore her gaze away from the window, tilting her head with utter confusion. Out of all the things she was expecting, that question wasn’t one of them. “What?”

“Please,” her ex-best-friend begged. “Come over.”

And as much as Lena wanted to, as much as she wanted to say yes and put this whole mess behind her, she didn’t have it in her. She couldn’t go to that house again when they were still on sinking territory. “I don’t think so.”

Kara was silent as she looked down, then quietly murmured, “Please?”

Once again, Lena almost said yes. Everything in her wanted to. But instead, she held firm. “Not today, Kar.”

A wave of emotions flashed through her long-lost friend’s eyes when the nickname rolled off her lips, but she pulled herself together just as quickly her composure faltered. “Okay. Will you come over tomorrow?”

“No. I - I don’t think so,” she repeated. “I’m just not ready.”

“Oh,” Kara squeaked out. Lena thought she was going to cry for a second. “Okay, then.”

“Yeah,” she awkwardly grimaced, turning to look back out the window.

A few minutes later, the bus pulled up to Kara’s stop, and this time Kara paused long enough to say goodbye. “Have a good weekend, Lena.”

“Uh - yeah, you too,” Lena stumbled back, pleasantly surprised at the gesture.

Maybe there was something left to save after all.

 

 

xx

 

 

The next day, there was a ring at Lena’s doorbell early in the morning. Lena heard it, but she thought nothing of it. The maid always answered the bell and shooed away whichever solicitor somehow managed to make their way onto the property. There was usually at least one every weekend, so it was nothing special or out of the ordinary.

But showing up in her doorway a minute later was, so Lena put her book down to give the Luthor’s newest maid her full attention.

“There’s a Kara Danvers here to see you,” she casually announced, clearly having no idea what a heavy statement she was making. “Should I send her up?”

“Uh,” Lena paused, unsure of how to handle it. Kara had never just shown up before and she wasn’t expecting her to now. But having a conversation in this bedroom seemed a little too intimate for their current status, so Lena politely declined. “I’ll come down. Let me just put on some shoes.”

“Of course,” Beatrice pronounced, backing out of the doorway. “I’ll tell her you’re on your way.”

Lena nodded in confirmation, then waited until she left before zooming through the room. She looked in the mirror to make sure her hair was okay - it wasn’t - then changed into a nicer looking blouse. She wasn’t sure she liked the pants she was wearing, but also refused to dress up for the girl who bailed on her, so she left them on. With a pounding heart, she picked out her favorite pair of sandals, then headed downstairs as if she wasn’t anxious at all.

When she reached the bottom of the staircase, she finally had to face her, though. Kara looked more beautiful than ever.

“Hey,” the blonde gave a nervous smile of her own.

Lena reciprocated it, nodding with a, “Hey. Let’s go outside.”

Kara stepped back, letting Lena lead the way as they both sat on the porch steps, side by side. For five minutes, Kara didn’t say anything, and Lena didn’t make a sound either. She didn’t know what brought Kara there, but Lena knew that _she_ had nothing left to say.

Apparently, Kara finally did.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, her voice full of guilt and regret as it pierced through the thick silence. “I know that doesn’t cut it, but… I’m really sorry.”

Something in Lena already felt lighter upon hearing the words she’d been waiting for, yet she also felt conflicted. She appreciated the apology, but it didn’t take away the bitterness or feeling of being left behind.

“For what?” Lena challenged.

Kara grimaced at that harsh tone, then apologetically listed off, “Not putting you first. Not choosing you. Letting a boy control me.” She shook her head with frustration. “You’re my best friend. You’re my lifeline! I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Lena agreed with a little too much hostility. It made Kara fall silent, so Lena made sure to soften her voice a bit when she continued to ask, “Do you know how much it hurt to lose you, Kar?”

Her best friend was still quiet, then gave a confident, “Yes. I do. I lost you too.”

“But you had _him_ ,” Lena fought, dismissing the attempt to make it sound like they were equally as lost without one another. “You filled my place. And I just - I just sat here missing you, as pathetic as it is. I was sad, and alone, and I didn’t have anyone, because you just - you replaced me. Just like that. As if it was no big deal.”

“I didn’t replace you,” Kara begged to be heard. “I missed you every day, Lena. Literally. Every single day.”

“Just not enough to come back,” Lena sourly narrated for them.

Kara looked down with shame, biting her lip to admit, “I made a mistake. I just thought I loved him.”

“That’s not what love is,” Lena recited what Alex had taught her.

“I know,” Kara agreed. “ _Now_ , I know. But how was I supposed to before? I thought I just had to listen, because it was my boyfriend.”

“Yeah. But that’s what hurts the most, though. You were able to do that,” Lena looked down, pursing her lips with tears and a flare of anger. “If someone asked me to do that, if they asked me to leave you behind… I wouldn’t have been able to. And people _have_ asked me to do that before, you know? My mom, my brother, they’ve asked me time and time again to just end things between us, and I always said _‘no’_. To my own family, to my own blood, I said ‘ _no’_. Because you’ve always come first to me.” Kara was silent as Lena fiddled with a wood chip from the flower bed beside her and heavily proclaimed, “It just sucks that I didn’t come first to you too.”

“Lena,” Kara immediately sighed. “I swear, it’s not like that.”

Lena grimaced, then with a deep breath sadly looked to Kara for the first time. “Except, it kind of is, Kar.”

She watched her best friend angrily look down, shaking her head, seeming frustrated that she didn’t have the magic words. Lena knew Kara wanted to fix it, but at that point, she wasn’t sure how. 

“So, you’re saying we can’t be friends again?” Kara finally asked.

Lena just stared blankly ahead, giving an almost invisible shrug. “I don’t know.”

“Can we ever be friends?”

Once again, Lena just shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Well, are we over?”

And for the third time, Lena shrugged her shoulders, this one accompanied by a heavy sigh. “I don’t know.” After a few moments of silence, she further explained, “I don’t know how to forgive you. I want to. But I literally don’t know how. You hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before.”

“I know,” Kara accepted that truth. “And I’m really sorry for that.”

“I know,” Lena reciprocated. “Let me just think about things, okay? I need time to figure out how to stop being angry before we try to be friends again.”

“Okay,” Kara dejectedly sighed, clearly not getting the outcome she wanted from this visit. “I get it.”

“Yeah,” Lena licked her lips as all of the sudden they seemed so dry. “I’m sorry.”

“ _You_ have nothing to apologize for,” Kara promised with a sorrowful smile. “That’s all me.”

Lena gave a small nod, then moved to go their separate ways. “Maybe I’ll talk to you later?” She asked as she stood up.

Kara just nodded along, proclaiming, “Yeah. I hope you will.”

She wanted to forgive her right there on that porch step.

But her heart was too cautious, making her wonder if she ever _could_ forgive her.

At twelve-years-old, she was seeing how complicated the world could become.

 

 

xx

 

 

A few hours later, after trying her best to process her conversation with Kara by herself, she realized she couldn’t and called Lucy. Her hands shook as the phone rang and when her own replacement for Kara finally answered, she cut to the chase.

“Kara just came over and apologized.”

“Woah, _what_?” Lucy audibly gawked. “Wait, what happened?”

“I don’t know,” Lena shook her head with wide eyes, still trying to figure that out herself. “I mean, I told you how she’s been weirdly sitting next to me on the bus, but she never said anything - at least not anything important. Then, she just showed up at my house today and apologized.”

“Wow,” Lucy sighed through the phone as she took in that information. “What did you say?”

“I - I didn’t know what to say,” she stuttered. “It’s like, I’ve been waiting for this for months, but as soon as it came, I just, didn’t know what to do with it. I don’t know if I can forgive her for what she did, but at the same time, I miss her too much not to.”

“Yeah,” Lucy pronounced. “That’s rough.”

“Yeah. So, what do I do?”

Her friend just laughed over the phone, softly proclaiming, “Lena, you know I can’t tell you that.”

“I mean, you _could_. It’d make my decision a lot easier,” she argued.

“Yeah, but I won’t,” Lucy dismissed the plea with another small laugh. “You need to figure this one out on your own. Like, do you value your friendship enough to put your anger aside or are you guys too far gone to do that now?”

Lena wished she knew.

 

 

xx

 

 

Everything seemed to change when they went back to school on Monday and the news of Kara and James’ break up finally hit the hallways. Apparently, Kara had ended things last Friday and no one knew why.

Lena had an idea, but didn’t want to sound too egotistical either, so she kept it to herself.

She worried about Kara, though. She knew firsthand how hard it was to go through a break up with someone you loved.

 

 

xx

 

 

That night, after hours of deliberation and about a hundred times of picking up her phone and setting it down again, Lena decided to call the Danvers household. When Eliza answered, she must’ve read the Caller I.D beforehand, because she sounded pleasantly surprised.

“Lena?”

“Hey, Eliza,” she tried to sound casual over the phone, despite her pulsing anxiety.

“It is you!” Kara’s mom exclaimed, sounding on top of the world. “Kara will be so happy you called. We all miss you.”

“I miss you guys too,” she promised, feeling her heart swell at the compliment. “Is she there?”

“Yeah, she’s here.” Eliza’s voice was so warm. “Let me go get her.”

But a few seconds later, when Kara’s voice sounded through the line, Lena suddenly lost all her words.

“Are you there?” Kara asked when there was no response to her ‘ _Hello?_ ’.

Lena forced out a smile, then took a deep breath and proclaimed, “Yeah. I’m here, Kar.”

“Good,” her best friend let out a sigh of relief. “I was hoping you’d call eventually.”

“Yeah. I’m - uh - I’m still thinking about, you know, everything, but… I don’t know. I guess, I just heard you and James broke up and I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“Oh,” she heard Kara murmur. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Oh. Okay, good,” Lena stumbled. When silence greeted her, she decided maybe now wasn’t the right time for them. “I’ll let you go, then.”

“Uh - yeah. Okay,” Kara sounded like she had so much more to say. “I’ll talk to you some other time?”

“Yeah. Some other time,” Lena confirmed. “Talk to you then.”

 

 

xx

 

 

The next Saturday, five days later, Lena’s phone rang with the most familiar name.

_Kara_

But despite its familiarity, Lena found herself wondering if she should answer. She wanted to; she just didn’t know if she _should_. Things were so complicated now, and she didn’t know if she was ready to conquer that. She knew she wanted to - eventually, she wanted to be friends again - but she didn’t know if now was the right time.

But despite it all, she answered the call.

“Hello?”

“Hey! Lena!” Kara eagerly greeted her, overcompensating the way she always did when she was trying to hide her nervousness. “I was just - well - I was wondering, see, if you maybe wanted to come over?”

“Oh. Um, I don’t know,” Lena tripped over her words. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just miss you,” Kara admitted. “I know you were thinking though, so if you still are, go ahead, keep going, I just wanted to make sure you knew you were invited. You know. Just in case you’re done thinking.”

Lena laughed at the nervous ramble, not realizing how much she missed them until it was right there in front of her again. “Thank you.”

“Of course! Any time! My pleasure!” Kara once again over exaggerated her delight. Then, when it was silent, she was forced to ask, “So, do you wanna come?”

“I-” Lena paused, thinking about her answer before deciding to take the leap and just go for it. “Yeah. I will.”

“Really?” Kara asked, unable to hide her surprise. But before Lena could answer, she regained the excited act, the nervousness disappearing yet again to exclaim, “Okay! Cool! What time do you wanna come?”

“Maybe two?” Lena offered.

Kara immediately agreed, her wide smile reverberating through the phone. “Two it is! I’ll see you then!”

“You will,” Lena gave a small laugh at Kara’s eagerness. “See you in a bit, Kar.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Agreeing to go over to Kara’s versus actually stepping foot on her property were two very different things. As her driver pulled up, Lena stayed put for a moment, suddenly unsure of if she was ready to follow through with it. Maybe it was too soon, maybe they both needed more time.

But before she could tell her driver to turn around, Kara was opening the front and door and stepping out to wait for her on the porch. It brought Lena back to all the times blonde hair dashed out the door when they were little, hyperactively hugging her and dragging her inside. It seemed so long ago now. Suddenly, they didn’t seem like kids anymore.

When Lena finally made it to the door, Kara just gave a shy smile. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Lena subconsciously shoved her hands in her pockets in a way that Lillian would hate.

They stood in silence for a moment, then Kara seemed to remember the next step to their plan. “You wanna come in?”

Lena stared at the door, almost wanting to decline and tell her how the memories were too much, but eventually she found herself nodding her head instead. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

“Okay, cool,” Kara smiled, leading them inside. Her excitement was gone, replaced by clear anxiety as she explained, “My mom and Alex aren’t here. They don’t know you’re here either, actually. I just… wanted some privacy.”

“That’s good with me,” Lena told her with full honesty, unsure if she’d be able to hand reuniting with all three Danvers at once. “It’s probably for the best.”

“Yeah. Probably,” Kara agreed as they entered her room. When they sat across from each other on her bed, she tried to start a conversation. “So, what’ve you been up to?”

“Oh, not much,” Lena shrugged. “Mainly hanging out with Lucy and Brainy. And doing a lot of studying. I decided I want to do the academic decathlon when we go to high school, so I’m trying to prepare.”

“You’re good at preparing,” Kara chimed with a playful smile. “You’d be really good at that.”

“Thanks,” Lena smiled back. “What about you?”

“Nothing much,” Kara shrugged this time. “I’ve just been bored. And kind of obsessing over you. Hoping you’d call.”

Lena felt her face heat up at the candidness, her insides growing warm. “I’m honored.”

“Yeah. I’m really glad you came. Thank you,” Kara gave her first real grin. “I’ve seriously missed you so much.”

“I know. I’ve missed you too,” Lena promised, feeling the comfort seep back into her veins from being in the room with the one girl that knew her to the core. “I’m glad you invited me.”

“Really?” Kara asked.

“Yeah,” Lena confirmed with a smile of her own. She placed her hands in her lap, making the decision aloud, because she couldn’t be here and _not_ forgive the girl in front of her. “I want to be friends again.”

Kara couldn’t even stop the wide smile that came to her face when she heard, excitedly agreeing, “Me too. Very, very much.”

“Good,” Lena let out a sigh of relief, glad to have that over with. She looked around the room at the walls that were once painted bright blue and decided to change the subject to something safer. “So, what’s up with the pink room?””

 

 

xx

 

 

The rest of the summer was spent rebuilding what Lena had once questioned as being irreparable. What was remaining of May was awkward at best, but June was better, and by mid-July they felt okay again. They felt like Kara and Lena, as if nothing had happened to begin with.

They walked to the parks by Kara’s house together and the ice cream shop that was a half-mile away. They rode bikes around her neighborhood, and they went to the fireworks together on the Fourth of July. Eliza took them to the beach and Alex let them help her pick out her future dorm room decorations at Target. And by the end of summer, their year-long fight was practically forgotten.

Somehow, even after all of that, the idea of ‘forever and ever’ was restored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me what you think? thank you for reading :)


	9. eighth grade

It took Lena until mid-October of her eighth grade year for a teacher to vocalize the absence of her parents at school. Her Honors Algebra teacher pulled her aside to ask if they would be coming to parent-teacher conferences that Thursday. He seemed to already know the answer, so Lena wasn’t sure where it was going with the question.

“No. They usually don’t go to those sorts of things,” she nervously explained, unsure of why a teacher would choose to ask about it now. Her parents hadn’t gone to her conferences since Kindergarten. They insisted they were only needed when kids had a problem.

“I’ve heard,” Mr. J’onzz hummed, “But I need them to come this year.”

“I mean, they’re pretty busy,” Lena thought about what a fuss her mom would make if she had to go to a middle school function. “I’m not sure if they can.”

“They need to,” her teacher declared. “If they can’t make it work on Thursday, we can set up a meeting privately, but I’d like to speak with them, and I’d like to do it in person.”

“Oh. Okay,” Lena pursed her lips with concern. “Am I in trouble?”

“No, no. I just need to talk to them,” he promised, his voice soft and tender. “You’re a great student, Lena. I have nothing bad to say about you - I promise. Just bring them in. Okay?”

Lena hesitated, but it didn’t sound like she had much of a choice. “Yeah. Alright.”

 _But Mother won’t be happy about this_ , she silently acknowledged. _She won’t be happy at all._

 

 

xx

 

 

That night, much to her dismay, Lena brought up the conversation she’d had with Mr. J’onzz, timidly asking her parents to attend the parent night that was four days away.

“I don’t know why, but he wants you to go,” she sighed over dinner. “I tried to say you’re busy, but he wouldn’t let it go. He’s adamant you guys come.”

“Oh. Okay,” her dad shrugged it off. “We’ll be-”

“What did you do that requires us to go in?” Her mother snapped before he could finish. “They only want parents to go if their child is up to no good. And you _are_ good, Lena. You’re a Luthor, for God’s sake.”

“I know,” Lena murmured, feeling her cheeks turn red at the accusation. “He said I wasn’t in trouble.”

“I’m sure you’re not,” her dad pointedly assured her, glaring towards her mother in the process. “Lena has always been an exemplary student, Lillian. I’m sure this isn’t anything bad.”

“It better not be,” her mother warned in response. “If the Luthor name is slandered-”

“Everything will be fine,” her dad finished the sentence. “ _If_ the Luthor name is slandered, it will be something she did as a mistake. However, I can guarantee you that’s not the case. If she said her teacher said she’s not in trouble, she’s not in trouble.”

Lena sat there quietly, spinning around the vegetables on her plate as her parents argued over her yet again. She should have been used to it by then, yet she still wanted to disappear every time it happened.

After a moment of silence, her mother went back to eating her own meal with a face full of displeasure and a small huff of, “That better not be a lie.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Thursday night, much to Lena’s surprise, her parents cleared their schedules and got ready to go to National City Middle School. None of them knew why their presence in her schooling suddenly mattered, but Lena was glad her parents agreed to come regardless. She wasn’t happy they had to, but the only thing worse than agreeing to go would’ve been if they’d refused. She wouldn’t have known how to explain that.

When they got there, Lena walked them through her class schedule, showing them the portfolios of her work as her dad wore a proud smile and her mother looked around the room with disinterest. Lena showed them the persuasive essay she wrote on artificial technology and the model volcano her and Brainy had worked on for their science class. She hated that after all this time, she still couldn’t impress her mother.

Naturally, though, she saved her Algebra class for last. She didn’t know what Mr. J’onnz had to tell them, and she knew she did nothing wrong, yet her stomach was a pit full of nervous butterflies. She wished her teacher would’ve told her what this was about beforehand. She didn’t like the element of surprise.

When they got there, she avoided eye contact, moving to show her parents what she’d been working on in her math class so far. She showed them the pages upon pages of algebraic equations they’d been working on, and the multiple tests with _100%_ marked boldly at the top. Somehow, her mother still seemed unimpressed.

It wasn’t until Mr. J’onzz came over to them that she started to act interested.

“Mr. Luthor, Mrs. Luthor,” he shook their hands, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“You as well,” her dad professionally nodded as Lena put away the assignments she’d been showing off.

This was the moment of truth.

“Thank you for coming. I just wanted to talk to you guys about your daughter’s performance,” he met eyes with Lena to give her an encouraging smile. “She’s extremely intelligent.”

“She is,” her dad squeezed her shoulder with pride. “I’m constantly impressed by how she continues to improve herself.”

“She does,” Mr. J’onzz agreed. “She’s the most gifted student I’ve ever taught. And that’s why I wanted you guys to come.” He walked a couple steps back to his desk, coming back with a laminated black folder. “I wanted to suggest she apply for National City’s Preparatory Academy for high school.”

“What?” Something finally got her mother’s full attention.

“It’s extremely competitive and most people who apply don’t get in, but I really think you have what it takes,” he directed his attention to Lena. “It’s a great opportunity. It would challenge you, you’d be surrounded by more like-minded individuals and it’d look great on your future college application. Most people from N.C. Prep continue onto Harvard, Yale, Berkeley, Stanford… It has a hefty tuition attached, but I think it could be worth it for someone as exceptional as you. And I can’t guarantee anything, but with your performance, I think it’s an easy acceptance. ”

Lena felt her heart pounding at the news, unsure of how to take it. That would mean completely switching schools, where she wouldn’t know anyone. And even if it was the opportunity of a lifetime, Lena didn’t know how she felt about that. She knew she _should_ want to go, but she didn’t. She was happy here, with Kara and Brainy and Lucy - and even Winn, most days. She had friends. Public school was her lifeline, it was the only reason she was sane.

“All of her teachers are on board, past and present,” Mr. J’onzz kept talking to a mix of her and her parents. “We all agree that this would be the perfect placement, and we all have glowing recommendations written if you do decide to apply. I truly believe it’d be the perfect fit.”

“Wow,” her dad murmured. “That’s… Thank you.”

“Thank _you_.” Lena received a nod from her teacher. “You work hard. It’s about time you got recognized for it.”

“Thanks,” Lena gave a small smile, already silently wishing it had never been brought up.

Now, her parents were going to want her to go. And God, she really didn’t want to go.

 

 

xx

 

 

On the drive home, Lillian and Lionel were raving about how excited they were, celebrating the ‘thrilling’ news her teacher had shared. The black folder sat in the front seat, her mother skimming through the papers with pride, humming out loud about all the things she found impressive. And somehow, after yearning for her mother’s approval for twelve years, when she finally got it, she was still unhappy. She didn’t want it anymore. She wanted to go to National City High with her friends.

“This is so exciting,” her dad kept mentioning. “I feel like we should celebrate. What do you want to do, honey?”

Lena stayed silent, not quite in a celebratory mood. She focused her stare out the window instead, opting to ignore the happiness in the front seat entirely.

“Lena?” Her dad continued his prodding. “How do you want to celebrate? This is amazing.”

“I just want to go home,” she finally murmured.

The back of her eyes were burning and she felt like she was about to cry, but also knew she couldn’t without being reprimanded. Her parents wouldn’t understand and her mother would flat-out belittle her if she saw a tear come out for what they viewed as a happy occasion. So, she focused on the trees whizzing by around her, crossing her arms and pulling a knee up against her chest.

“Lena, what’s wrong?” Her dad cooed with confusion. “Why aren’t you happy?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“ _Want to_ ,” her mother corrected. “ _Wanna_ makes you sound like a thug. You don’t _want to_ , dear.”

If Lena was in a better place, she would’ve realized her mother called her a pet name for what could have been the first time.

“I don’t _want to_ talk about it,” Lena mumbled her correction. “I just want to go home.”

“Sweetie, why are you upset?” Her dad was still filled with concern. “This is a good thing… right?”

“Yeah,” Lena agreed as she kept staring out the window. After a mile of silence, she finally got out, “I don’t want to go.”

“ _What_?” Her mother nearly screeched. “You have to-”

“Why don’t you want to go?” Her dad overpowered her yet again. “Let’s talk about it.”

“I don’t know. It’s just…” Lena trailed off, trying to figure out a way to explain it to her parents that didn’t sound completely juvenile. “My whole life is in public school. All my friends are there. I’m happy.”

“Yeah, but you can be happy at NC Prep too,” her dad tried to coax. “I have many colleagues who have kids going there and it’s a _really_ good school.”

“I know. It’s a great school! I’m honored people think it’s where I should be, because you do have to work really hard to get in. I know,” Lena acknowledged. “But I like my life how it is.”

“But it could be better. This would open numerous doors for you,” Lillian pushed. “You’re going. It’s not up for discussion. It’d be foolish not to!”

When Lena didn’t say else, she saw her dad turn to her out of the corner of her eye, letting out a dejected sigh when he saw she was shutting them out. He turned back to the road, sounding disappointed, but also understanding.

“We’ll talk about this another day, huh? When we all have more time to think?”

Lena shook her head. He wasn’t listening. “I’m not going to change my mind, Dad.”

“I know,” he accepted that. “But maybe we will.”

“We most certainly will not,” her mother refuted. “She is going to that school, Lionel. Mark my words-”

“Let’s not argue about it if we don’t have to,” her dad shut the conversation down. “We’ll think about it, then re-discuss it as a group later. Okay?”

Lena still couldn’t find her voice, but nodded in the backseat, meeting her dad’s eye through the rearview mirror.

“Okay,” he happily resolved the conflict. “I think we should get ice cream and celebrate anyway, though. Even if you don’t end up attending, your teachers suggesting you apply is something to cheer about.”

“Okay,” Lena agreed. She still didn’t want to go, she still wanted to just lay down under the covers, but she knew it was her dad’s way of compromising. It was clear he wanted to do something special for her, and if it’d make him happy, Lena would let him. “I’ll take a turtle sundae.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena couldn’t find it in her to call Kara about the news that night, but the next day on the bus she told her all about it.

“Apparently, my teachers are recommending I go to National City Prep next year,” she tried to mention it casually, unable to make eye contact while she did. “That was what they wanted to talk to my parents about.”

“National City Prep?” Kara asked. “Is that, like, a summer camp?”

“Uh - No. Not quite,” Lena murmured.

It never occurred to her that someone from Kara’s background might not have heard of it. Lena’s entire family had, but that’s because it was quite common for people in their elite circle to try to get their kids in. Most ‘normal’ people couldn’t afford the tuition, though, so most of her friends at school probably hadn’t heard of it at all. She’d never thought of that.

“It’s a private school,” she clarified. “It’s for gifted students or students who are some sort prodigy - football, art, music… It’s a good opportunity.”

“Wow,” Kara nodded, clearly at a loss for words. “That’s amazing.”

“Yeah,” she slowly nodded along, feeling the tension between them at the thought of her switching schools. “I don’t think I want to go, though.”

“Why?” Her best friend turned to her with shock. “You’re _crazy_ smart. It sounds like it’s where you belong.”

Lena looked down dejectedly, because it didn’t feel that way to her. “I want to belong here.”

Kara looked down at that too, fiddling with the corner of her glasses, something she always did when she was nervous or insecure. “Yeah. I really want you to, too.”

They sat in dreary silence for a moment until Kara spoke up again.

“If you went… “ she trailed off, then sadly finished asking her question, “that means we wouldn’t be at the same school next year. Right?”

“Yeah,” Lena gave what was the most painful confirmation of her life. “That’s right.”

“Wow,” Kara sighed.

Lena let out a heavy breath beside her, sighing right along with her. “I know.”

They sat in silence again, the bus getting nearer and nearer to the school as Kara proclaimed, “I’d really miss you.”

“You too,” Lena promised with a gentle smile. “It’s the biggest reason I don’t want to go.”

“It’s the only reason I don’t want you to go,” Kara gave a small laugh. “I guess that’s pretty selfish, though.”

“No. It just means you’re a good best friend,” Lena tried to reassure her. “Besides, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.”

“Yeah. I know. But not with you,” Kara angrily pursed her lips, looking down at her backpack as if she was going to cry for a second. “I need to be selfless with you. Even if it means telling you I think you should go.”

Lena felt her breath hitch, not knowing what to say. “You think I should go?”

“Yeah. I do,” Kara confirmed, her voice full of sorrow and despair. “It’s what’s best for you.”

But still, even with Kara’s blessing, Lena couldn’t find it in her to agree. “It feels like you’re what’s best for me, though. I can’t just _leave_.”

“It’s your decision, but you can,” Kara gave a sad smile accompanied by a strong nod. “If you think that’s what would be best, please. Leave. Don’t stick around for me. We’ll still talk, even if you go to a different school.”

“Yeah. But we both know it wouldn’t be the same,” Lena’s voice was low. “You’re the only reason I haven’t lost my mind. I’ll go crazy without you by my side.”

Her best friend laughed, silently agreeing, then arguing, “Maybe that’s how it was before, but I think you can look out for yourself now.”

“Maybe,” Lena shrugged. “But I don’t want to find out.”

 

 

xx

 

 

That night, her parents fought louder than usual, their voices sounding through the entire second level of the mansion. And yet again, it was about her.

“She needs to go to that school, Lionel!” Her mother exclaimed with more finality her tenth time saying it. “It’s what’s best for her!”

“I think so too, but _she_ doesn’t,” her dad groaned with frustration. “She’s at that age where we can’t keep making her decisions for her.”

“She’s _twelve_ ,” her mother reminded him. “She can’t decide for herself what’s in her best interest.”

“She’s almost in high school,” her dad fought. “If she doesn’t want to switch schools-”

“She’s switching schools,” Lillian demanded. “It’s not her choice. She’s switching. That’s that.”

Her dad fell silent for a minute, then he spoke, his voice unsure. “I don’t know, Lil…”

“Why? You don’t think going to N.C. Prep would be in her best? Think of her future!”

“I know. It’d open doors, that’s undebatable,” Lionel agreed. “I’m just worried she won’t be happy. She’s built a life for herself in the public school system.”

“Yes, with that _Kara_ ,” her mother sneered her best friend’s name yet again. “It’s time she met people who are a part of her circle. I can guarantee you, she’ll love them and learn to be happy. It might be an adjustment, but she’d learn, Lionel!”

“I don’t know,” he still wasn’t convinced. “She feels strongly about not going and-”

“ _And_ she’s twelve!” Her mother reiterated. “She doesn’t understand how impactful this decision is.”

“I think she does, she just doesn’t know if she wants that impact. She’s happy with her life now.”

“And she will be there, too!” Lillian urgently repeated. “Thinking she won’t find a way to be happy at N.C. Prep is just stupid! She’ll make new friends, she’ll build a new life. Lena is a social girl, you’ve reminded us both of that time and time again, even when I got tired of hearing it.”

“I know,” Lionel agreed. “I just need to think it over.”

“Fine,” her mother humphed. “But doing anything other than forcing her to go to that school would be a mistake. And I think we both know it.”

 

 

xx

 

 

That entire week was filled with arguing, her parents seeming to be unable to control the differences between them all of the sudden. They argued over her, over Lex, over the business… Her dad screamed about how Lillian was always ice cold to her own daughter while her mother screamed about how her dad was just upset because _he_ ran his entire life based on his emotions. She equated him to being an over-dramatic adolescent and he called her a self-centered bitch.

It was language Lena never thought she’d hear from either of them, despite how many things they didn’t see eye-to-eye on. As much as she hated it, her dad had always loved her mom with everything in him. But she was starting to wonder if that might not be the case any more.

 

 

xx

 

 

Lex came home for a weekend, but left early due to all the hostility.

Lena knew her family had never been happy, but it had never been so bad that Lex flat out left. That scared her a lot.

 

 

xx

 

 

It was early-November the first time Lena woke up to find her dad sleeping on the couch. It was then that she realized things might never be the same.

 

 

xx

 

 

When they were nearing Thanksgiving, as Lena spent an afternoon at Kara’s after school, she finally opened up about what was going on. Before that, she hadn’t mentioned her parents’ fights, figuring that maybe if she ignored them they’d go away, but as things got worse, she knew it was time to talk about it.

“I think my parents might be getting a divorce,” she announced out-of-the-blue. Kara turned to her with surprise, and Lena just gave a small, uncertain shrug. “I’m not sure, but maybe.”

“ _Why_?” Kara gawked. “What happened?”

“They’ve just been fighting,” Lena grimaced. “Last night I had to put headphones in, it got so bad. It was over me again and I just didn’t wanna listen anymore. When I took them out at two a.m. they were still going.”

Kara took a deep breath, shaking her head in surprise. “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Lena bit her lip. “It’s been like that for months.”

“Months!?” Kara exclaimed. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve been there!”

“I just wasn’t ready,” Lena sadly explained. “I thought maybe if I didn’t say anything, they’d stop. I don’t know why. It was just, like, maybe if I ignored it, it’d go away one day, you know?”

“I know,” Kara gave a small, understanding smile. “You _always_ hope if you just ignore a problem it’ll go away.”

“And it usually does,” Lena shrugged. “That time I had an ‘A’ minus in math? Ignored it, didn’t freak out, and it went away. When I couldn’t get my mother’s approval? Ignored it, stopped pining for it, and eventually I didn’t care anymore. When you were dating James? Ignored it, hoped for the best, and you eventually came back. Ignoring it usually works!” Lena proclaimed. Then, she looked down with defeat, sadly announcing, “It’s just not this time.”

“I’m sorry,” Kara sighed, wrapping an arm around her. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Lena tried her best to make it sound convincing. “It’s just hard, because my family was hanging by a thread already. None of us are close and I don’t remember the last time my mother showed me any sign of affection. My brother and I haven’t had a normal conversation in years, and my dad is the only one who still gives a shit about me. I’m worried if they get a divorce the whole thing will fall apart completely.”

“It might. But even if it does, you have me - you have us,” Kara did her best to comfort her. “Me, my mom, Alex… even if your own family becomes not a family anymore, you’re a part of ours too. And this second family of yours isn’t going to fall apart - you made sure we didn’t. So, we’re all here for you now.”

“Thanks,” she gave a half-grin. “I’m still not blood, though. I hate forcing myself on you guys so much.”

“You’re not!” her best friend urgently promised. “ _Trust me,_ everyone in this house misses you a ton when you’re not here.”

Lena laughed, feeling her heart get the tiniest bit lighter. She knew she was lucky to have this house, this family, this best friend in front of her. “Really?”

“Oh, yeah,” Kara promised. “If Alex doesn’t see you for more than a week, she’s all over me - so just imagine how hard our fight was last year. By the end of it, every time she saw me she’d ask how you were and when you were coming over again, _despite_ clearly knowing we were in a fight. And my mom? Oh, God, I told her how you got accepted to N.C. Prep and she called the _rest of the family_ to brag about you. Aunt Astra, Clark, even Clark’s girlfriend, all get updates on you.” Kara looked over to her with such tenderness in her eyes that Lena’s heart was ready to melt. She was so grateful she had this girl in her life. “You’re part of this family, Lena. Whether you’re blood or not, whether you accept it or not, you just are.”

Lena just smiled along. She wasn’t sure how much Kara was embellishing her family’s fondness, but she didn’t really care. Either way, she had so much love in her life because of them. And it was a kind of love she wouldn’t have known without them.

 

 

xx

 

 

Later that week, Lena went over to the Danvers’ to help them put up their tree again. It was the first time she had seen Alex in a month and the older girl was full of college stories that her and Kara both listened to attentively, hanging on to every word. They listened to Christmas music, wrapping strings of lights around the tree, then around the bushes outside, and the entire time, Lena wore the biggest smile.

The whole putting up a tree thing was a tradition she didn’t do at her own house. The maids put it up in the morning for them, not a single one of the Luthor’s putting any effort forth whatsoever. And while the Danvers’ tree admittedly looked somewhat wimpy compared the twelve-foot, extravagantly decorated tree in her own living room, Lena always seemed to love it more.

After they were done, Eliza made the three teenagers hot chocolate while they picked out a Christmas movie. Alex and Kara were arguing between _Elf_ and _The Polar Express_. Alex was teasing her sister for wanting to watch such a sappy movie as their first Christmas movie of the year while Kara argued how something that heartfelt would really get them into the Christmas spirit. Lena refused to get into it, letting them hash it out on the couch and holding her hands up in innocence when they tried to make her the tie-breaker. She learned long ago not to take sides between the Danvers sisters.

So, instead of picking, she sat there, watching the kind of arguing she enjoyed. It wasn’t hostile like the fights in her own house, but instead playful and filled with love. Even as Alex blatantly made fun of her sister, it was clear how much they loved each other.

Hours later, _The Polar Express_ was long finished and _Elf_ was playing on the screen and Kara was fast asleep on the couch as Alex and Lena sat on the floor so Alex could paint the younger girl’s nails. It was nearing midnight, but Lena didn’t want to go to sleep. That was the most perfect day she’d had in a while, and it was filled with so much compassion that she didn’t want to give it up. Because tomorrow, when she woke up, it’d be time to go to her own house again. And Lena didn’t want to go back there after this.

As Alex started on her second coat, Lena gave a blank stare, then eventually murmured, “I really missed you while you were at college.”

Kara’s sister gave an awkward laugh, which Lena couldn’t blame her for. The relationship between the two of them had always been mostly lighthearted, filled with sarcastic jokes and taunting. The heartfelt comment probably came out of the blue. “Thanks. I missed you too.”

“Yeah,” Lena sighed, licking her lips as she continued on to proclaim, “You’re just the best almost-sister ever, you know? It’s not the same without you here.”

They both kept their focus on the way Alex was painting her nails to avoid looking at each other during Lena’s vulnerable moment, but there was one glance up as the older girl asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Why? Is it a crime to miss you or something?” Lena went back to their normal tone of playfulness.

“No, I just,” Alex laughed, shaking her head and dipping the nail polish brush into the bottle for more paint. “I need to make sure you’re okay. Okay? Is _that_ a crime?”

“I guess not,” Lena grinned, feeling her insides grow warm at the reminder of how much Alex cared. “Can you stop smudging paint on my skin, though? Because that’s _not_ okay.”

“Well, maybe if you grew your nails out it’d be a little easier!” Alex scoffed. “When nails are this short, smudging is just bound to happen. You can’t blame the painter.”

“I’ll fact check that the next time I get a professional manicure.”

“Do it. They’ll tell you the same thing,” Alex said the lie as if it were the truth. “Now, sit still so I can finish this. It’s your turn to paint mine next.”

 

 

xx

 

 

When Lex came home for Christmas, he was somehow even colder than usual. He rarely came out of his room and when he did his entire demeanor was broody and arrogant. During their family dinners, he’d dominate conversations, telling them all about how he finished his semester with a 4.0 and had already received an invitation to join an honor society. Then, he also talked about how he was constantly correcting his professors until they eventually turned to him for help, because they realized he was smarter - something that sounded quite far-fetched to Lena, but she didn’t have the gall to question.

At one point, her dad tried to give Lena some space to talk and told Lex how she had been recommended for N.C. Prep, but that only ended badly, as he scornfully remarked, “Yeah, but Mom said she’s not going to go. Which is stupid, if you ask me.”

Her dad gave her mother a pointed look at the comment, but it was yet another one of Lex’s remarks that Lillian managed to turn a blind eye to.

“Nothing has been decided yet, and even if it had, it’s none of your business,” her dad defended her yet again.

“There shouldn’t be a decision to make. If it was _me_ I’d go in a heartbeat,” he snottily sneered.

“It’s a shame you couldn’t get in then, isn't it?” Lena finally snapped, having had enough of listening to his criticism. “I recall you applying there and getting rejected, right?”

Lex’s face turned spiteful and for the first time Lillian spoke up. “Lena. Apologize! That was rude and unnecessary.”

“ _I’m_ rude?” Lena gawked, losing her composure for the first time in a long while. “He’s been slamming me all night!”

“He has not been ‘ _slamming_ ’ you. And don’t use that word, it’s ghetto,” Lillian criticized her vocabulary yet again. “You’re being uncivilized.”

“Right,” she just scoffed. “Out of everyone in this family, I’m the uncivilized one. Of course.”

That had Lex egging her on too. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

And that was all the bait Lena needed to let loose, to let all of her frustrations from the past three months come pouring out with no filter, shamelessly calling out her family one-by-one.

“Well, for starters, you think you’re entitled to everything just because you’re you. You come home talking about how great you are, not asking a single question about the rest of us. Did you know Dad’s company increased its revenue by seventy-five percent this year? Or that Mom finally went for it and bought that third car she’s been wanting? Probably not. Because you don’t care,” Lena shrugged off. “You just care about yourself and are the most self-centered person I know. You couldn’t care less about anyone around you. It’s why you’ve never had a serious relationship of any kind in your life!”

“ _Lena_ ,” her mother reprimanded. “Stop. _Now_.”

“Oh, yeah, and you?” Lena gave a bitter laugh. “You’re just as bad. You don’t care if I go to N.C. Prep. You just want to look good with your group of so-called friends. Even though all of you stab each other in the back at least once a week, all you care about is looking good to them - not your own daughter’s happiness.”

“Now, this is a bit dramatic-”

“It’s not,” Lena defended herself. “You two only care about yourselves. You always have! And now you’re just egging Dad on too with all these stupid fights of yours and it’s making him stoop down to your level. Half the time, he isn’t even here when I wake up anymore! It’s sad. It really is - it’s _sad_!”

“Lena,” her dad sympathetically sighed. “It’s not like that. It’s-”

“I’m excused,” she huffed, not letting any of them say anything else.

She pushed out her chair, marching towards the stairs, surprised when no one called after her about how being excused was supposed to be a question. That was in their best interest, though. She was fuming and ready to destroy anyone who stepped in her path. Even if they were supposed to be family.

 

 

xx

 

 

On her way out of the bathroom after completing her nightly routine, Lena got a slow, sarcastic round of applause from her brother as he wore a smirk that spoke volumes. “That was a great show tonight, Little Sis.”

Lena rolled her eyes, not even bothering to address him as she walked back to her room.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this,” he casually chastised after her. “They’re going to get a divorce because of you.”

“Because of me?” Lena whipped around. “And _why_ are they going to get a divorce because of me now?”

“Because you won’t just listen,” her brother told her as if it were simple. “Ever since you were born there’s been problem after problem because you just won’t listen. Just go to that school!”

“That’s not what this is about.”

“No, but it’s what it started out as,” Lex narrated. “Mom wants what’s best for you and Dad is in her way - again. Because you’re his little princess.”

“Or, Dad is just the only one in this family who cares about me.”

That just made her brother laugh, seeming to be genuinely amused. “Always so dramatic.”

“Whatever,” Lena muttered, turning around to head back to her room. “Just stay away from me, okay?”

“Ah, a pleasure as always,” Lex chimed as if _Lena_ was the one to abolish their relationship. “Sleep well, Sis.”

It was still amazing to her that they were ever close. That seemed like a different life now.

 

 

xx

 

 

After the Christmas celebrations at her own house were over, Lena went to Kara’s where she finally felt like she could breathe again. She hadn’t even noticed how suffocating her house was until she left, but the second she stepped in the Danvers’ her lungs filled with life and the world seemed okay again.

But apparently, the hard time she was going through was written all over her face. Kara’s disposition fell when she saw her, just going in for a hug and not letting go. Lena didn’t know what prompted it, but she let it happen nonetheless, happily being held, happily feeling loved.

“You okay?” Kara murmured in her ear in the middle of their hug.

Despite feeling her eyes well up with tears, Lena nodded against her shoulder. “I’m good now.”

“Good,” Kara gave a sigh of relief. “I wanna protect you at all costs, so you’ll never be sad again. I would, if I could! Nothing can ever happen to you.”

Lena laughed, but before she could stop it, she felt her breath get uneven and her body shake. Tears started streaming down, and it was like the months she spent so desperately trying not to cry were all coming out right then, in the middle of Kara’s living room.

“Oh, Lena,” Kara pulled her closer, not releasing the tight grip she had on her. “It’s okay. I promise, it’s okay.”

It only took a couple seconds to decide whether she should try to regain composure or let herself fall apart. She knew in the end, she’d fall apart regardless, and this house seemed like the safest place to do it, so for the first time, she let herself go.

“I know. It’s okay,” Kara kept soothing as she walked them towards the couch, sitting them both down without letting go of Lena once. They sat with her still wrapped in Kara’s arms, her head falling on her chest as the tears poured out uncontrollably and Kara cooed, “It’s okay. You’re okay, Lena. It’s okay.”

And the stupidest part was Lena didn’t even know what she was crying over, there was just so much. Her family had become so, so much. Their arguments, their constant criticism of her and especially her dad’s increasing absence… She didn’t know how to deal with it all. She just wanted to escape, and this house was the only place she could. It was the only place she felt safe.

“Shhh, you’re okay. It’s you and me now,” Kara soothed. “I’ll never let anything bad happen to you, okay?”

Lena felt her tears pour down harder, because she had missed this so much. It had only been four days since they’d last seen each other, but Lena had missed feeling loved more than words could say. She wanted to stay curled up in Kara’s arms forever.

“I love you so much,” she managed to croak out through her tears. “Thank you for being the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“I love you too,” Kara simply promised, putting a hand on her cheek to push her head further into her chest. “Just relax. We’ll figure out this out together, okay? I promise.”

 

 

xx

 

 

When she went back home, her head still felt like it was going to explode from crying so much.

More fighting greeted her as she walked through the door.

She wasn’t even surprised anymore.

 

 

xx

 

 

When Lex left, things got a little bit better. Her parents still fought, her dad continued not to be home and things between her and her mom were tense as always, but at least she didn’t need to put up with her brother’s cynicism. That was the first bright side she saw in a while.

 

 

xx

 

 

Eventually, her parents just stopped talking altogether.

She almost liked it better that way.

 

 

xx

 

 

On Valentine’s day, Lena went over to Kara’s, once again continuing their tradition of eating lots of chocolate, followed by a heart-shaped pizza. At the end of the night, Kara brought down a card with a small wrapped package, and when she gave it to her, Lena just looked up guiltily. “Now I feel like I should’ve gotten you something.”

“No, don’t!” Kara pled. “These are small things, anyway. It was like, ten dollars.”

“Good,” Lena gave a sigh of relief. “Should I open it now?”

“Uh, you can open the gift, but read the card when you get home. It’s kind of mushy and I’ll feel awkward if you read it here.”

“Well, now I wanna read it,” Lena mumbled. She listened to the request, though, setting the card aside and unwrapping the gift instead.

Inside was a blank C.D. with Kara’s handwriting on it, and she explained, “These are the songs I listened to when I lost my dad. I know what you’re going through isn’t the same, but… I don’t know. I thought it might help.”

“Thanks,” Lena gave a soft smile. Because what she was going through sure did kind of feel similar. Her dad wasn’t dead, but she felt like she’d lost him anyway. “Are you sure I can’t read the card now?”

“No! No, read it when you get home,” Kara begged again. “I went way overboard on how heartfelt it was and now I’d just feel weird watching you read it. Like, it’s basically a love letter - but like, obviously not a love letter! It’s just as heartfelt as one, you know? I mean, it’s honestly more heartfelt than the one I gave James last year. But it’s, like, a _friendly_ love letter.”

Lena gave an excited smile, fumbling with the envelope in her hand, but respecting Kara’s wishes enough not to tear it open right then and there - no matter how bad she wanted to. “I hope you know it’ll be the first thing I do when I go home.”

 

 

xx

 

 

And it was. The second Lena was alone in her room that night, she tugged the envelope out of her bag, opening it as if it could disappear any second. Kara was so anxious about her reading it that it only piqued her curiosity more. Plus, she couldn’t help but be excited to see what a ‘love letter’ from Kara consisted of. But she could’ve never prepared herself for the result.

When she opened the card, Kara’s handwriting filled the entire thing. She had clearly written as small as she could, but words still covered both sides of the cardstock, then there was more on the back. And as soon as she started reading, she could see why Kara compared it to a love letter.

 

_To my best friend in the whole wide world: Lena,_

_It’s Valentine’s Day + even though we’ve never discussed it, I feel like you’ll always be my most important Valentine. Even last year, when I had a boyfriend + we weren’t talking, it felt like I should’ve been with you. I literally almost texted you that day. I missed you SO much. And I feel like sometimes, the love of your life isn’t a relationship, cuz you feel like the love of mine. Which, is totally cheesy, I’m well aware of that, don’t worry, but I’m also dead serious. You’re the best person I’ve ever met + the one person I can’t see my life without. No matter who comes and goes, I know one thing is constant + that’s you. I mean, I don’t think you even KNOW how much you mean to me, which is crazy!!! Like, you’re my best friend, but also someone who I feel was MEANT to be a part of my life. Like, in kindergarten, we were destined to meet + become friends forever, some way, some how. And I know you don’t believe in destiny or whatever, but that’s how it feels for me. Maybe that’s weird. I don’t know. I just know I adore you. I also know I don’t say that enough. I know I don’t show it enough. But I really, truly do. You are my entire world + more. Last year without you… it was rough. And I do mean capital ROUGH. I didn’t think I’d make it out alive. When Alex told me how unhealthy James was, it was a relief because I finally had a reason to break up with him and go back to you. Is that weird? That the entire relationship I just wanted to go back to you? I don’t know if I ever told you that because I think it IS kind of weird, but I don’t care. I did. I just wanted you back so bad. And, I know this is long (I’m writing on the back of the card now after all) but I just really needed to tell you how much I truly do love and cherish your friendship this Valentine’s day, because you deserve it. You’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for, so thank you for being mine. I’ll spend my whole life showing you how much I appreciate it._

_I LOVE YOU!!!!!_

_Kara_

 

By the time she reached the last word of the card, Lena wore a goofy smile that she couldn’t wipe away if she tried. No one had ever poured her heart out like that, and Lena was positive that it wouldn’t have meant as much if it was someone other than Kara Danvers. She closed the card, then opened it again, reading it for a second time and becoming just as giddy as the first. Her heart pounded and her cheeks were red, and she wondered if Kara had any idea how much this meant to her.

Eventually, she pulled out her phone, dialing the Danvers’ house phone. She knew it was late, but she also wanted to say thank you. She needed to talk to her after that.

Eliza answered, seemingly unbothered by the call despite the time, as she greeted, “I’ll go get her.”

“Thanks,” Lena hummed.

She patiently waited for Kara to get on the line, fumbling with the card in her hand with that big smile still on her face. It was just so sweet.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Lena murmured, readjusting herself on the bed. “I read your card.”

“Oh, God,” Kara groaned. “Do you think I’m a sap now?”

“I already did, but now I see you’re a bigger one than I thought,” Lena teased, trying to keep her voice light to hide how much she truly loved it. She wasn’t sure if it was normal to feel this intensely about a girl, and she couldn’t stop her voice from getting low and husky as she professed, “I love you too, Kar. I feel all those things about you too.”

“Good,” she let out a sigh of relief. “I thought you’d think I was weird or in love with you or something. I’ve never written a card so emotional.”

“I know it’s not like that,” Lena promised, still wondering if it _was_ like that for her. But then, if Kara could feel that way without loving her in a romantic way, maybe Lena was the same way. Maybe their friendship was just really special and she wasn’t gay after all. “I know what you mean completely. Every word.”

“Okay, good. Alex walked in while I was writing it and made fun of me, so I was worried.”

“You let her read it!?” Lena exclaimed, suddenly feeling embarrassed for them both.

“God, no! Of course not! She just saw how much I’d written and started teasing me. She’s the one who said it looked like a love letter,” Kara laughed. “I just wanted to give it to you anyway. Because that is how I feel.”

“I know,” Lena promised. “I feel the same way about you.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Later that month, Lena’s mom got her application materials together and sent them in to N.C. Prep. Lena hoped they were as competitive a they claimed and didn’t let her in. They rejected her brother, so she was hoping they’d reject her too. Suddenly, rejection was all she’d ever wanted.

 

 

xx

 

 

That year it was an early Easter, so spring break ended up being the second week of March. Lena spent most of it at Kara’s, watching Drake and Josh marathons on Nickelodeon and coloring eggs with her whole family again. It was just as it always was, but also different.

Ever since Kara had given her that card on Valentine’s Day, things had changed. Their relationship became even more intimate, despite neither of them thinking that was possible. Their words became more heartfelt and they started to cuddle and hold hands more and more. It was like there was an unspoken agreement that they both wanted to be as close as they could be, both emotional and physical - even more than before, somehow. It was the first time Lena realized how there weren’t any best friends that were as close as her and Kara.

But it also left her wanting to be closer. And she didn’t know how they could be. They were touching every time they were near enough to, they said ‘I love you’ more than most _couples_ did, and yet Lena still wanted more. She wanted to have Kara entirely, and she wasn’t sure what that meant. It brought her back to wondering if she was gay, though.

So, when she was alone with Alex one day and the opportunity presented itself, Lena gave her almost-sister the interview she’d always wanted to give.

“So, how did you know you were gay?” She blurted out once Kara had fallen asleep. Alex turned to her with surprise, so Lena clarified, “I mean, _I’m_ not gay, but I was just wondering how you knew _you_ were.”

“Uh - I don’t know,” Alex stumbled with surprise. “I guess I always felt different and couldn’t place it. I never liked any boys, so I felt weird for that too. Then, when Maggie came around, it all made sense. She kind of opened my eyes to everything,” Alex tried to simplify it. She looked at Lena, who didn’t know what to say, and offered, “It was scary, though. And hard to figure out.”

“Yeah. I can only imagine,” she gave a forced smile back. “How did you know that what you felt wasn’t normal, though? Like, everyone thinks girls are pretty, you know? Even Kara - even me. So, how’d you know it wasn’t just that?”

“It was hard to figure out,” Alex cautiously agreed, clearly still trying to analyze what their conversation meant. “I think for me, the way I see girls is a way I just never see guys in. For example, when I see a pretty girl, I don’t just see that she’s pretty. I literally have to fight stop myself from staring. I just want to be close to her and get to know her - maybe take her out on a date or something to get time alone together, you know? But when I picture myself being close to a guy like that? It grosses me out.”

“Interesting,” Lena nodded in understanding. Then, when she realized Alex was staring at her, she rushed to explain, “I’m not gay, though! I was just wondering what it’s like.”

“Yeah,” Alex gave her a reassuring smile, but her voice seemed far less believing than her face. “Well, I hope I helped.”

“You did. Thanks,” Lena tried her best to smile, but also feared she might have just given herself away. “Just… don’t tell Kara I asked. Okay?”

A wave of understanding flooded through Alex’s face, but Lena pretended not to see as the older girl softly murmured, “You got it. Your secret’s safe with me.”

“Wait, what? There’s no _secret_. I’m not gay!” Lena urgently proclaimed yet again, this time with more nervousness than before.

“I just meant that you asked,” Alex promised, her voice ginger and soothing. “I won’t say a word.”

“Oh. Right,” Lena nervously bit her lip. “Thanks.”

“Yeah…” Alex’s stare lingered on her. “Yeah, no problem.”

 

 

xx

 

 

There was a week in April that Lena’s dad didn’t come home at all. Lena wasn’t even surprised.

 

 

xx

 

 

When an acceptance packet from N.C. Prep came in the mail, her mother beamed with pride. Lena fought the urge to cry. She _really_ didn’t want to go.

 

 

xx

 

 

A few days later, during a rare occasion where her dad was home for more than a few hours, he came into her room to see how she was doing. Lena gave him a polite smile, saying how she was doing alright, but in reality it made her sad that he didn’t already know. He used to know when she was upset, when she was happy, when she was excited about something coming up. She wouldn’t always tell him _why_ she felt those things, but he’d at least know. Now, he was absent, spending more and more nights away from home, more and more nights away from her.

And Lena tried to be understanding about all that. She tried to focus on how at least there wasn’t constant fighting anymore and that her dad seemed more content with things, but at the same time, she felt left behind. Her dad was the only blood-relative that still felt like family, and now it seemed like she was losing him.

That was devastating.

 

 

xx

 

 

At some point in the beginning of May, Lena found herself over at her best friend’s house again, escaping to her sanctuary. It sounded dramatic, but that was honestly how the house felt now. It was like a safe place, away from all the storms going on around her.

Her and Kara laid on the twin-sized bed together, Lena resting her head on Kara’s chest in one of those rare moments where everything felt almost okay. Kara’s arm was wrapped around her, pressing their bodies close together, and for a second Lena was able to forget the mess her life was and focus on how at ease she felt. Especially since being at ease didn’t come often any more, so she always made sure to embrace it when it did.

As they both stared at the TV, Lena’s mind was still rapidly swirling with anxieties. She worried that her parents were irreparable and was still panicking about whether being this close to her best friend was normal, but she was able to push it aside enough to appreciate what she had when she had it. She able to be grateful for the moment she was in, for the wonderful girl lying beside her. And this time, she decided to tell her that, too.

“I’m really glad you’re in my life,” Lena broke through the silence, momentarily tearing Kara’s eyes away from the teen drama that was playing. “You’re the only reason I don’t feel like everything is falling apart, even though maybe it is.”

Kara squeezed her tighter, looking down at her with a wide smile, “I’m glad you’re in my life too.”

“Yeah,” Lena hummed, looking back at the TV. “You’re the only relationship I’ve ever had that never feels hard. Everything with you is always so simple and reliable. And I know you’ll always be there. Even if we fight, even if we don’t talk for a while, I know you’ll always be there for me if I need you. Just like I will for you.”

“I will,” Kara confirmed. “Me and you, we’re good like that.”

“We are,” Lena chimed along. “Thank you for always making me feel safe.”

Kara looked at her with such love that it blew her away. “I told you. I’ll protect you always, Lena.”

“I know,” she promised. “I really do believe that.”

 

 

xx

 

 

It was a week after that when her parents announced they were officially getting a divorce, and even though Lena had seen it coming for months, it still took her by surprise. Her dad came into her room while her mother lagged behind in the doorway, both of them emotionlessly explaining that they just couldn’t do it anymore. The fighting, the shouting, the resentment, they couldn’t do it.

Her mother didn’t move from the door, looking displeased as ever the whole time, while her dad tried to break the news as gently as he could. When he finished, Lena only had one question.

“Who are we gonna live with?”

“ _Going to_ -”

“We’re not sure,” her dad cut off her mother’s correction of her grammar. “We’re still figuring that piece out.”

“Oh,” Lena anxiously glanced down. “Okay.”

But she wasn’t sure what she’d do if she was stuck with only her mother.

 

 

xx

 

 

After they left her room, Lena immediately called Kara to share the news, who was no more surprised than Lena herself, as she timidly asked, “We kind of saw this coming, right?”

“Yeah. Exactly,” Lena shrugged. “It was just a matter of time. I’m surprised it took as long as it did.”

“Me too,” Kara agreed. “You okay, though?”

“I’m fine,” Lena sighed, mulling everything over.

And Kara’s prying came immediately upon hearing the unconvincing lie. “You don’t _sound_ too fine. What wrong?”

“Nothing!” Lena insisted. But then, she answered honestly, because this was Kara, the girl she told everything to. “They just don’t know who I’m gonna live with yet.”

“What?” Kara was shocked for the first time. “I mean, can’t you choose? You can’t live with your mom, she’s terrible!”

“I know,” Lena murmured. “But it doesn’t sound like they’re gonna leave it up to me.”

“But you should get a say!” Kara protested, sounding angrier than Lena was over it. “Like, I can’t stress enough how much you _can’t_ live with your mom.”

“I know, Kar,” she agreed. “But I don’t think they really care what I want. It seems like this is gonna be their call.”

“That’s stupid,” her best friend seethed. “That’s so stupid! We’re almost in high school, you should get to decide!”

“I know,” Lena sighed for a third time. “I just don’t think that’ll be the case.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Two nights later, during another rare occasion where her dad was home, Lena heard him and her mother arguing downstairs. Once again, it was about her, but this time instead of it being her schooling, or extra-curricular activities, or friend choice, it was about who got to keep her. For the first time, she felt like a toy being fought over by toddlers.

“She’s staying with me,” her mother declared for the third time, this time with more convicition. “I have her best interest in heart.”

“Oh, _bullshit_ ,” her dad spewed. “You just want her so I can’t have her.”

“No, I want her because with you, she’d get out of control. You don’t monitor her, you let her get whatever she wants, I’ve never heard you say _no_ to her in my life, and you think you could handle her alone?”

“Oh, please,” her dad scoffed. “You haven’t cared in years! You just want someone in the palm of your hand again, just like Lex was. I’m not having my daughter ruined like that.”

“ _Your_ daughter?” Lillian asked. “She’s _our_ daughter, Lionel. I have just as much of a right to her as you.”

“You’re kidding, right? You haven’t been a mother in years! All you do is belittle and criticize her - she thinks you don’t even love her anymore, that’s how bad it is.”

“She’s a kid. She’s being dramatic,” her mother narrated with disdain. “Lena is both of ours. And whether you like it or not, she’s staying with me. She’s not moving out just because you decided to sleep with some ditz.”

Lena’s heart stopped. She knew things were bad, but apparently even she didn’t know to what extent. She never would’ve imagined her dad cheating. Even at thirteen, she still tried to picture him as perfect.

“You act like you haven’t slept with anyone,” her dad gave a bitter laugh. “Maxwell Lord?”

“What about him? Do you have proof of that? Do you have screenshots of my text messages with him?” her mother pulled out her leverage. “If you try to take her from me, I will ruin your reputation. I’ll ruin your company, your public image - and I’ll most certainly take you to court, where you know I’d win. I’m the only one with evidence. And they always side with the mother.”

“No,” her dad defied. “You can’t do this. You can’t blackmail me for making a mistake.”

“You get to choose how ugly this gets, Lionel. You choose whether we settle this between us or get a court to do involved. Either way, no matter which route we take, we both know I’ll win.”

Her dad was silent, then his voice came out with more malice and hatred than Lena had ever heard from anyone. “You’re a _bitch_ , Lillian. A cold-hearted, self-centered _bitch_.”

“Yeah. But I’m also the one who’s going to get full custody, no matter how we go about it,” her mother announced with her usual smugness. “Even a judge would side with me. By cheating you lost your daughter, Lionel.”

Her dad’s voice didn’t sound any less venomous, his words coming out harsh and brutal and nothing like the dad Lena had grown up with as he growled, “You’re absolute scum. I hope you know that.”

“Yeah, but either way,” Lillian taunted. “I won our daughter.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena cried when she told Kara how her mom ‘won’ her. She cried when she explained that she wouldn’t be living with her dad anymore. She’d cry a lot that summer.

 

 

xx

 

 

A week later, after her dad officially moved out and it was announced that Lena would be living with her mother, she realized just how bad things could get without him there.

Lillian sat her down, apathetic as ever as she decisively announced, “I wanted to inform you that you’re going to N.C. Prep next year.”

“No, I’m-”

“It’s not a debate,” her mother didn’t hesitate in shutting her down. “I’ve reached out to the school, enrolled you, set up your orientation date… You’re going. That’s final.”

“Dad said-”

“He’s not here,” her mother declared. “I’m here, I’m your guardian now, and you’re going to that school. No questions, no arguing, no dramatics or tears, you’re going.”

Lena was seething, but she was also out of options. She knew there was winning. “You can’t do this to me.”

“I can. And you’ll be thanking me one day,” Lillian confidently proclaimed. “This school is where a Luthor belongs.”

But to someone who hadn’t identified as a Luthor for years, that only made Lena more upset. It’d be hard to accept that this was her new life.

 

 

xx

 

 

As soon as she finished the one-way conversation with her mother, she marched outside to sit on the front porch while she called her dad. By the time he answered, she had tears in her eyes and a quivering voice, but she couldn’t find it in her to care about sounding weak anymore. If her mom did this, she was going to lose everything that made her happy on a daily basis.

“You need to convince mom to let me stay in public school,” she immediately pled.

Her dad hesitated, then gave a heavy sympathetic sigh as he chimed, “Oh, honey.”

“Dad, please! You _have_ to,” she begged. “I already lost you, I can’t lose Kara and my friends too!”

When he spoke again, his voice was only full of remorse. “I wish I could help. I really do.”

“Tell her not to make me go!” she fought reaching the point of hysteria. She had never felt as passionate about anything as she did about not going to some rich kid school. “N.C. Prep is great, I know that, I understand, but, Dad, it isn’t for me! I won’t be happy there!”

“I know, and if I could do anything, I would, but it’s out of my hands now,” he tried to be gentle. “As much as we both hate it, your mother gets the final say.”

Lena felt rage boil within her, her emotions about the situation finally coming out. She despised him for this. She had been trying to shove it down, but she really did despise him for leaving her in that house alone.

“How could you do this to me?” she venomously murmured. “How could you leave me with her? Why did you have to cheat?”

“Lena…” her dad trailed of apologetically. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. If I could change it - if I had _any_ way of changing it, you know I would.”

“Yeah. But you did this. You cheated, and you made it so that I couldn’t live with you!” she cried, wiping tears off her cheeks in the process. “I hate you.”

“Honey-”

“No, I do!” she exclaimed. “I _hate_ you, Dad!”

And with all the anger in the world, she slammed her flip phone shut, fighting herself not to throw it across the lawn in frustration. She wanted to break something, she wanted to be reckless, she wanted to do something stupid and not care at all.

But instead, she was trapped into being a Luthor.

It was terrible.

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena didn’t know how to tell Kara she was transferring schools. She wasn’t ready to see how sad she’d be and she wasn’t ready to face the truth herself. She spent half the summer in denial, pretending it wasn’t happening, hoping her mother would change her mind.

But when Kara asked the question directly, Lena could no longer hide.

“You’re going to National City High, right?” she asked casually, as if it was just her double-checking.

Lena didn’t know how to break her heart, so her voice was slow as she got out, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”

“Oh,” Kara stumbled. And from that alone, Lena could tell Kara already knew what was coming.

“My mom is forcing me to go to N.C. Prep,” she avoided eye contact, “and my dad won’t do anything to stop it.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Kara repeated with surprise. She was silent as she processed it, then sorrowfully confirmed, “So, we won’t be going to the same school next year.”

“Yeah, I guess not,” Lena squeaked out, willing herself not to cry yet again. Over the past month and a half, she’d been learning the only way to hold in her sadness was to be angry instead. So, she focused on that. “I hate them so much, Kar. You don’t understand.”

“I know,” Kara grimaced. She had come to terms with that earlier that summer. At first, she had tried to convince Lena to go easier on her dad, but after a while she must’ve realized the effort was pointless, because she eventually let it go. “I’m sorry this is happening to you.”

“Me too,” she spat, shaking her head with resentment. “I hate them more than anything.”

 

 

xx

 

 

That year, when Kara went back to school, Lena stayed home. N.C. Prep was off until Labor Day, so she didn’t need to go yet. But even without going, she already knew plaid skirts and blazers weren’t her style, and neither was that school. She was going to miss the public school system more than she could express. So much, that she wondered if she’d even make it through her freshman year alive.

She didn’t have much hope for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all are gonna hate me for next chapter bc it's not pretty. brace yourselves now for Lena's rock bottom.


	10. freshman year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lena gets a little lost, but best friends always find their way back home.

Her first day of high school was nothing like Lena had always anticipated. Her and Kara had talked about what it would be like so many times and being together had always been the expectation, so when the big day got there it was nothing but a disappointment. The building was overly-extravagant, the kids were snotty and Lena wasn’t having any fun. She just wanted to go back to riding the bus with Kara and being a kid.

Over-exaggerations aside, N.C. Prep was truly her worst nightmare.

Maybe even worse.

 

 

xx

 

 

Despite all the kids being new to N.C. Prep, it took a week for anyone to talk to Lena. They all seemed to firmed cliques quicker than ever, but Lena didn't seem to be a part of any of them. She couldn’t blame anyone but herself for that, though, because she was the one who was so quiet and broody. That still didn't change the fact that being alone while everybody else had friends was hard.

Then, a boy came up to her with a cheeky smile and sly grin at lunch, and talked to her as if they’d known each other forever. He slouched too much at the table as he asked, “You think this school is bullshit too?”

Lena laughed, but didn’t say too much, unsure if it was a test. She just kept poking at her food with disinterest and a scoff. “More than you know.”

“Yeah,” his grin got wider as he looked around the room. “I’ve been looking around for weeks for someone who agrees with me, but all these idiots seem to love it.”

“That’s ‘cause everyone here is brainwashed,” Lena bitterly rolled her eyes. “All they care about is looking good on paper.”

“Despite their parents being rich enough to buy them into whatever school they want,” the boy across from her finished. He held out his hand, introducing himself for the first time. “I’m Jack.”

“Lena,” she shook it before going back to her salad. “Nice to meet someone who has a mind of their own.”

“Likewise,” he agreed. “People like us gotta stick together.”

“ _Need to_ ,” Lena wryly corrected his grammar, the way everyone else seemed to do around here. Unlike them, Lena wore a teasing smile while she did it. “We _need to_ stick together, Jack. Talk proper, for Christ’s sake.”

“Fuck that. We _gotta_ ,” he reiterated with a wide smile of his own. “I think we’re gonna get along just fine.”

 

 

xx

 

 

And that was how Jack became her best friend at N.C. Prep. They bonded over hating everyone around them and despising the school, and while half of Lena hated herself for being so cynical, she knew it was her only solution. Being angry about her situation was the only way she wouldn’t lose her mind. Because if she thought about anything else - like how she missed her friends or how badly she just wanted to cry all the time - she’d fall apart. And that wasn’t going to happen on her watch.

 

 

xx

 

 

Late September was National City High’s homecoming, and luckily, Kara invited Lena to tag along. It was something they had talked about for years, so Lena was excited when she was still included, despite being at a different school. Granted, Lillian said she couldn’t go when Lena brought it up, but she had reached a point in her life where she no longer planned to listen. Whether her mother knew about it or not, Lena would be going. And she did.

After she snuck out just past noon, her and Kara got dressed together, both of them letting Alex do their make-up as they wondered how the older Danvers was so good at it, considering she never wore any of her own. When they were done, they took pictures together, then went over to Lucy’s to take pictures with everyone else. For the first time, Lena saw everyone she missed so much, and for the first time she felt her all-consuming anger disappear for a few hours.

But nothing lasts forever.

When she went home she was just as lonely as before.

 

 

xx

 

 

It was hard living with Lillian _and_ not going to school with Kara. It meant the time that was spent with her best friend was very limited. Her mother's distaste for their friendship led Lena to sneaking out, gradually becoming a girl filled with lies.

That year, she got really good at lying, actually. Until eventually, she was living one.

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena remembered the day Veronica joined N.C. Prep vividly. She walked in mid-October, her dark hair and heavy eyeliner standing out in the crowd, and from that very first time meeting, she took Lena’s breath away. She was stunning. And she fit right in with her and Jack.

They became the three pessimistic musketeers, all of them having nothing good to say about where they were or the lives they lived. For the first time in her life, Lena found herself complaining about things more than she was thankful for them. She found herself critiquing everything around her, as suddenly nothing seemed to be good enough.

She found herself losing herself.

But she didn’t realize that at the time.

 

 

xx

 

 

The day before Halloween was when Veronica came over for the first time. It was also the first time Lena had ever been offered a cigarette. She thought of how disappointed Kara would be if she knew, but in the end decided this was the kind of life she wanted to live now. Things weren’t as innocent as they had been before. The world was darker - _she_ was darker.

It was time to start accepting that.

 

 

xx

 

 

The next day, Lena went over to Kara’s with a pack of cigarettes of her own in her backpack and a false sense of happiness. Lena was finding it was starting to be hard to push the pessimism and bitterness aside when they were together, and that was hard, because her best friend was _so_ happy. As time went on, it started to become impossible to not allow her anger and resentment take over entirely.

And Kara noticed. They didn’t have much fun that day. Kara wanted to eat candy and watch a movie, but all Lena wanted to do was mope and complain, as those had become her two new favorite hobbies. Happy-go-lucky Kara Danvers wasn’t the sort of girl who did that, though. And it became apparent that they might be growing out of each other.

Both of them seemed distressed at the thought.

 

 

xx

 

 

That November, Lena, Veronica, and Jack began getting together after school more and more. They didn’t talk about much, but they had plenty to do in their free time. Veronica introduced them both to the powers of weed and alcohol, so they spent most of their spare time getting high and drinking until they were finally happy.

And while the happiness was temporary, it was better than not being happy at all. So, Lena kept going, drinking more and trying different drugs, until eventually, being drunk or high wasn’t such an out-of-the-ordinary thing.

All the while, Lillian pretended not to notice, simply praising her daughter for finally finding friends like her. It was impossible not to notice, though. Especially as Lena stopped bothering trying to hid it.

 

 

xx

 

 

When the three pessimistic musketeers were hanging out one day, higher than they had been in a while, Veronica finally asked about the plethora of framed pictures in Lena’s room.

“Who _is_ that girl?” she pointed to the desk lined with photos of her and Kara. “Sister?”

“No, that’s my best friend,” Lena took a drag of the blunt in her hand, blowing out smoke as she sadly realized how long it’d been since she she’d last seen her. “Kara.”

“Damn,” Jack laughed, stumbling over and squinting his eyes to look at all the memories of them that were displayed on her desk. “Were you obsessed with her or some shit? This is like a shrine.”

“Oh, whatever,” Lena rolled her eyes at what she had learned to be his teasing. “We’ve known each other since kindergarten.”

“ _Cute_ ,” Veronica taunted with a playful smile. She took another sip of the wine they’d stolen from Jack’s mother, then offered, “You should invite her to hang with us.”

“Uh - no,” Lena laughed at the absurdity. “Kara would _kill me_ if she knew what I was doing. This,” Lena motioned to the ecstasy, weed and wine on the the bed, “is _not_ her thing.”

“So, she’s a goody-goody,” Veronica grinned. “Does that mean _you_ used to be a goody-goody.”

“Before I realized how fucked up life was, yeah,” she admitted, using the vulgar new vocabulary she had accrued since meeting them. “Then, everything turned to shit and I realized life does you no favors, even if you’re perfect. So, why not have a little fun?”

“Here, here!” Jack rose his cup in the air, leading them all in a toast. “Here’s to having fun!”

“To having fun!” Veronica and Lena both cheered, probably finding it funnier than it was due to all the substances in their system.

But after bringing up Kara, a part of Lena’s heart fell, because she knew she’d be so disappointed.

 

 

xx

 

 

The next time Lena and Veronica hung out, it was just the two of them. They sat in Veronica’s room, more sober than they usually were, but still smoking a couple blunts. It was crazy to think that a few months ago, Lena thought weed was bad. Now, this seemed innocent, compared to everything else they did together.

Halfway through, Veronica pulled a bottle of scotch out from under her bed, handing it to Lena as she pondered, “Weird question, but are you gay?”

“ _What_?” Lena gawked, understanding why she had been given the alcohol and taking a large chug upon hearing the question. “Where the fuck did that come from?”

“Your pictures with Kiera,” she mentioned. “They were… intimate.”

“Her name is Kara. And they weren’t intimate,” Lena scoffed. “It wasn’t like that at all with me and her.”

“Huh,” Veronica mused, clearly thinking that over. “And anyone else? Was it like that?”

“No! No, I’ve never been with a girl!” Lena insisted, taking another sip of alcohol in the process. “God, I’m not _gay_.”

“Me either, but it doesn’t stop me from fooling around with girls,” Veronica laughed, snatching the scotch and taking a sip of her own. “Girls are _fun_. And if you don’t think so, you’re missing out.”

“Wait… Are you serious?” Lena asked, feeling like everyone their age was too young to have messed around with _boys_ , never mind girls. But there Veronica was, acting casual as ever over it.

“Yeah. So, what?” She rose a challenging eyebrow. “Don’t knock it ’til you try it.”

“You’re for real?” Lena asked again, unsure how someone could be so nonchalant over it. “ _Girls_?”

“Yes, girls,” Veronica laughed at her awe. “Don’t be so shocked.”

“I’d just never expect it,” Lena stumbled to explain. Then, she tilted her head. “But you’re not gay?”

“Nope. Just having fun,” Veronica shrugged, taking another sip from the bottle in her hands. Then, she looked at Lena with a teasing, mischievous smile. “You could too, if you want.”

“I could have fun with girls?” Lena nervously double-checked she was hearing right.

“Yeah. You're hot, I’d be down,” Veronica mentioned as if it was nothing. Then, she gave a sly grin as she continued, “Although, you don’t seem like the type. I think there’s some goody-two-shoes left in you.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Lena laughed, snatching the scotch from her for emphasis. “I’ll fuck around with you, I don’t care.”

“Really?” Veronica challenged with disbelief. “I’m calling bullshit.”

“I will!” she fought, trying to hide the nervousness mixed with excitement that was inside of her from the possibility of kissing another girl. “As you said, it’s whatever.”

“Okay, fine,” the girl beside her straightened up, turning to her with more confidence than Lena could ever imagine herself having. “Then, kiss me.”

“What?”

“Kiss me,” she repeated. “I dare you.”

Lena stared as Veronica waited her out, then clarified, “You want me to _now_?”

“I mean, if you’re not scared,” Veronica challenged, still clearly thinking she wouldn’t do it.

But the one thing Lena hated more than anything was being proved wrong. So, with the last push of bravery she had, she leaned in, pecking Veronica on the lips. But when she tried to pull away, her friend pulled her closer, locking their lips together a few seconds longer and escalating it to being much more intimate than a simple peck.

When they pulled away, Veronica looked at the younger girl with pride, huffing out, “See? It’s fun.”

“Yeah,” Lena breathed out, trying to wrap her mind around the fact that she just kissed a girl and maybe-sorta-kinda liked it. She tried to hide that, though, giving an annoyed eye roll of defeat and upset smile despite it. “Yeah, I guess it’s fun.”

“Whatever, you know it is,” Veronica laughed, gesturing towards the alcohol. “If it’s not, just take another sip. You’ll get there.”

Lena laughed, but felt a flash of panic sear through as well, because she was pretty sure even if she was sober, she would’ve enjoyed that kiss.

 

 

xx

 

 

Christmas break was the first time Lena had seen Kara in two months. They kept trying to get together, but their schedules either clashed, or Lena ended up bailing due to not having the energy to be perky. It was weird, because by the time they hung out again, Lena felt like an entirely different person.

Her and Veronica made out on a regular basis now, and being with Kara was the first day in weeks that she was completely sober for more than a few hours. Things were pretty different.

And Kara noticed too. Their phone calls had become less frequent, and when they were finally together, something about their chemistry felt off. They didn’t feel like Lena and Kara anymore. They felt distant.

And as always, Kara tried to fix it.

“What’s going on?” She quietly asked after a couple hours of awkward small talk. When Lena looked up to meet her eye, she clarified, “It seems like something’s wrong.”

“Oh. No,” Lena shrugged. “Just tired.”

“Ah,” Kara nodded in understanding. “Well, what else’ve you been up to?”

Lena didn’t realize how tricky a simple question could become until she realized that everything she’d been up to was illegal and definitely not Kara-approved. She tried to act casual, though, shrugging out, “Just hanging out with Jack and Veronica.”

“Cool,” Kara tried to smile, and Lena did her best to ignore the pain in her eyes. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Lena promised, feeling her heart swell at the memories of how great her life used to be. The best part of getting drunk was forgetting that for a little while – was forgetting how much she used to love her life. To forget how much she'd lost. “Things aren’t the same without you, Kar.”

“You either,” her best friend winced. After a moment of silence, she timidly admitted, “I kinda feel like I’m losing you lately.”

“No! No, you’re not,” Lena promised, feeling the guilt of her behavior the past few months sink in. “I promise, you’re not.”

Kara didn’t say anything, but she didn’t seem to be all that reassured. After a moment, she slowly nodded and admitted, “Yeah. Okay. But that’s what it feels like.”

Lena gave a deep sigh, moving to get closer to her for the first time since coming over. She wrapped Kara in her arms, trying to express how she much she meant to her without words. Things were different now, but Kara would always be her favorite person, no matter what. She hoped she knew that.

 

 

xx

 

 

That New Years’ Eve, instead of going over to Kara’s, she went to her first house party. A junior at N.C. Prep was throwing it and Jack had gotten them all invited. There were so many bottles of alcohol laid out that Lena almost didn’t know what to choose, and by the time eleven p.m. rolled around, the entire house smelt of weed, and no one seemed to mind. They kept dancing and enjoying themselves until they were screaming out the countdown, the whole crowd of them blowing horns and celebrating together.

Lena should’ve been having the time of her life. But all she thought about was how much she missed the quiet parties at the Kara Danvers’ house. She missed the junk food and watching TV with her. She missed their quiet, intimate traditions together.

But that wasn’t who Lena was anymore. She was the rebellious life of the party now. And Kara seeing how much she'd changed would kill them both.

 

 

xx

 

 

That Valentine’s Day, Lena went over to Kara’s again. There was no heartfelt card this time, and Lena honestly had to force herself to stay through the heart-shaped pizza, as she realized how distant the two of them had become, both of them living in completely different worlds. Kara was still happy and pure, while Lena was now dark and borderline toxic. Even her make-up showed it. Her dark eyeshadow and thick eyeliner, her gothic lipstick… it all showed how different she'd become.

And honestly, even Lena could see that she was ruining her own life. And as much as she still wanted to be around her best friend, she didn’t have it in her to ruin Kara’s life too.

She realized it was time to distance herself even more. She couldn't bring this happy girl down with her.

 

 

xx

 

 

Later on that month, Veronica and Lena were sitting in her room again. Both of them slightly high when Veronica belatedly admitted, “So, I kind of lied to you the first time we fooled around together.”

Lena looked up at her, making eye contact for the first time, as they both sat on her queen bed. They had made out plenty of times since then, so Lena wondered why it hadn’t been brought up until now.

“Huh?”

“Yeah,” Veronica shrugged, unapologetic. “I am gay. It’s not just fooling around, or whatever. I lied.”

“Oh,” Lena stumbled, slowly nodding her head as she tried to take it in. “Uh, thanks for telling me.”

“Sure thing,” her friend offered. “I just - I’m saying it because we can’t make out anymore.”

“Okay…” Lena once again spoke slowly. After a few seconds, she pried for a better explanation. “Why not?”

“Well, I guess, I _kinda_ have feelings for you now,” Veronica mentioned as if it didn’t mean a thing. “And it'd be too complicated for me.”

“Oh. Wow,” Lena was at a loss for words. “Uh - okay, then.”

“Yeah. It’s whatever,” Veronica brushed off, lighting up another cigarette. “It’s honestly not a big deal.”

But it didn’t feel that way for Lena. Because maybe she had feelings too. She didn’t know. She just knew she didn’t want their fling to end. “How do you know you have feelings?”

“How can I not?” Veronica gave a dry laugh. “You’re perfect. You’re smart, pretty, funny, and a total badass. I’ve had a crush on you since I started at this school.”

“How did you know it was a crush?” Lena pried further.

Veronica just smiled down at her innocence, shaking her head with playfulness. “Because I can’t get enough you, Lena. You’re addicting.”

And that was how Lena felt about her too. So, she nervously mentioned, “Well, maybe I have a crush on you too.”

Her newest friend looked over at her intrigued, with a hint of disbelief in her eyes. “You do?”

“Maybe. I don’t know,” Lena bit her lip. “I’ve never been with a girl like that before.”

“Well,” it took Veronica a second to finish the question, but eventually she took the leap, “do you want to try?”

“I do, I just - I don’t know if I’m gay,” she admitted. “I don’t want to let you down.”

“You won’t,” Veronica promised. “We’ll just see how it goes, okay?”

“Cool,” Lena grinned. She liked the idea of that.

“So, you wanna be my girlfriend?”

“Sure,” Lena felt the butterflies everyone always talked about, but she had never gotten. “I’d like that very much.”

 

 

xx

 

 

It was weird not telling Kara she was dating someone, but at the same time, Lena wasn’t ready to tell her that she might be gay.

So, she didn’t.

And because of that, Kara didn't find out for another year.

 

 

xx

 

 

After months of rarely talking and Lena painfully ignoring her best friend's calls, one day, over spring break, Kara just showed up. Lena was in her room with Veronica and Jack, and the maid came in to tell her that she had another visitor. When she heard the name _Kara Danvers,_ Lena panicked and knew she couldn’t bring her up, but before she said as much, Jack was answering for her.

“The long-lost best friend? Send her up!” He exclaimed, raising his glass with excitement. “I’ve been waiting almost a year to meet her.”

“No, don’t-”

“Send her up,” Veronica egged Lena on. “We wanna meet her.”

The maid looked at Lena for a final answer, and eventually she wore a weak smile as she repeated, “I guess you can send her up.”

When Nora left the doorway, Lena shot up off the bed to pick up the various bottles of alcohol and packets of drugs that were littered around her room, but before she could finish, Kara was already there.

Her disapproval was evident immediately. “ _What_ is that smell?”

Veronica and Jack laughed, and before Lena could cover it up, Jack casually explained, “That’d be weed, dear.”

“ _Weed_?” Kara looked to Lena with disbelief. “You’re smoking _weed_?”

“No! I - well, just sometimes,” Lena was at a loss for words at the accusatory gaze. Then, trying to change the subject, she waved to the two friends Kara hadn’t yet met. “This is Jack. That's Veronica.”

“No offense to them, but I don’t care,” Kara didn’t take her eyes off her. “You’re doing weed? Are you serious?”

“Someone is more of a goody-two-shoes than our friend let on,” Veronica murmured to the boy beside her.

Lena glared at them both, then realized she wouldn’t be able to conquer Kara with the two of them still there. They were from a completely different world than her best friend was used to, and it was a world Kara wouldn’t understand.

“Can we have some privacy?” Lena excused them.

They both looked to each other with amused grins, then looked between Lena and Kara. Veronica got up first and Jack quickly followed.

“Someone’s in trouble with mommy,” Veronica snickered as she grabbed a half-full bottle of wine from under the bed. Lena had a hunch it was just to make a point.

“Let’s go,” Jack laughed at her antics. “This looks like a shitload of drama that I am _not_ here for.”

They both laughed as they went downstairs, and Lena tried to focus on that instead of the way Kara was looking at her as if she was seeing a ghost.

“What’s going on with you?” Her oldest friend finally asked, a plethora of pain in her voice. “You’re smoking?”

Lena stayed silent, looking to the floor and pursing her lips with shame.

“ _Drinking_?” Kara emphasized, looking around the room some more. She walked around, scanning everywhere for more until she finally found another small baggie with Adderall. “Taking _pills_?”

“It’s _fine_ ,” Lena finally murmured. “It’s under control.”

“No, it’s not!” Kara fought with exactly the amount of anger that Lena had always expected her to have if she found out, the anger that made Lena not want to tell her in the first place. “What’s wrong with you? You’re better than this!”

“It’s not a big deal!” Lena pled. “Even my mom knows I’m doing it! It’s fine!”

“Your mom is a selfish moron, so her approval doesn’t say much,” Kara spat out. “It’s not fine. Does your dad know?”

“No,” Lena rolled her eyes. “I haven’t talked to him since Christmas.”

“Are you kidding me?” Kara’s eyes widened with incredulousness. “He’s the only one in your family who cares! If anything, he’s the only person you _should_ be telling about this.”

Lena just rolled her eyes with a bashful smile, explaining, “He’d just tell me not to do it.”

“Exactly! Because you shouldn’t!” Kara exclaimed. “Lena, this is _bad._ You can’t be doing it! You’re barely even a teenager!”

“Kara. Drop it. I’m fine,” she reiterated for the last time. “I have it handled.”

“Your entire room _smells_ ,” Kara emphasized. “This is terrible.”

“It’s not! It’s just a part of growing up,” Lena argued. “It’s not a big deal.”

Kara stared at her with a grave glare, then just shook her head with tears in her eyes. “I don’t even know you anymore.”

“Kara-”

“No, don’t fight it. I don’t. I have no idea who you are,” she spewed out. “I really have lost you.”

“You haven’t! People just change!” Lena pled.

But Kara took a stand. “Not like this, they don’t.”

“Kara–”

“You need to stop,” she warned. “If you don’t, I _will_ tell your dad.”

“Are you for real?” Lena gawked. “Kara, it’s fine! Don’t be such a snitch!”

“Apparently, I need to be, because I can’t stop you myself. And unlike you, I care about what you’re doing to yourself, and I want it to stop.”

“You’re over-reacting.”

“I’m not,” Kara defied her, turning to walk out of the room. “This better change. And fast.”

 

 

xx

 

 

When Kara left, Jack and Veronica sat in Lena’s room to finish up the night. The alcohol was back out and the room smelled even worse than before, but Lena didn’t care, as she ranted about the girl that used to be her best friend.

“She literally said she was going to tell my _dad_ ,” she repeated again. “That’s - I still can’t believe it.”

“That’s some bullshit,” Jack agreed, taking a drag of the blunt in his hands. “I’d be pissed.”

“I am! Like, we aren’t five! She can’t just tattle on me whenever she’s upset. This isn’t even any of her business,” Lena fumed with frustration. “It's all so stupid!”

“Yeah. She’s being a little bitch,” Veronica pronounced as Jack nodded along. “Like, what a fuckin’ baby.”

“Okay, whoa. Only I get to bitch about her. _You_ can't talk about her like that,” Lena immediately corrected, her hostility for Kara going out the window as her defensiveness shot up. “She’s just different than us.”

“Yeah, because she’s a prude,” Veronica spat out.

But that just left Lena seething more, unwilling to hear anyone talk negatively about her best friend - no matter how pissed off at her she was. “Shut the fuck up, Ron.”

“Woah,” Jack laughed off the sharpness of her tone. “Harsh.”

“ _Yeah_. Harsh,” her girlfriend agreed. “What’s the matter with you?”

“Nothing! I just don’t want you talking about her like that,” Lena crossed her arms. “She’s annoying, but she’s not a bitch. She’s my best friend!”

Veronica just scoffed at the claim. “You haven’t talked to her in months. She doesn’t even know we’re dating!”

“ _Get out_ ,” Lena suddenly found herself sneering at them. “Both of you! Get out.”

“Oh my god,” Veronica deadpanned. “You’re shitting us, right?”

“No. Get out,” she repeated with more firmness. “I’m done with this conversation and going to bed.”

“It’s five p.m..”

“Yeah, and I’m going to bed,” Lena snapped, unwilling to deal with her life right now. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

 

 

xx

 

 

A week later, Kara came over unexpectedly for the second time, her eyes lighting up with fire when she saw Lena’s room in the same state it was a week ago. She looked like she was about to cry when she announced she’d call her dad.

 

 

xx

 

 

Most of Lena honestly thought Kara was bluffing, but when her dad stood in her room twenty-four hours later, she saw that she wasn’t. He looked around the room with disappointment, focusing on Lena when he was done.

“This is what you’ve been doing since I left?”

“Dad-”

“Lena, this is not okay,” He repeated what her best friend had been saying all along. “Your mother knows about this?”

“Dad, it’s not a big deal,” she pled. “Just let me be a teenager.”

“You’re _barely_ a teenager,” he boomed with authority for the first time. “And you’ve always been above this! What happened?”

Lena had a quick answer to that one, filled with fury and rage. “ _You_ made me go to this school.”

“So, you’re teaching me a lesson?” Her dad clarified. “I didn’t want you to go to that school, and you know that!”

“Yeah, but you let Mother send me there,” Lena fought, her eyes blazing with a fight she’d been dying to have. “This is the result. I’ve met people from my own circle now, and it turns out, this is what they do.”

“Lena Luthor-”

“ _Stop!_ ” she screeched. “Just stop it! You haven’t been a dad to me in nearly a year. You can’t just decide to now.”

“I’ve been _trying_ ,” he had a rage of his own. “You haven’t been answering my calls, my texts, not even my emails! You cut me out, honey!”

“Because you _left_ me!” Lena spat out, almost not believing how different their relationship was from only a year ago. Her old life felt like a different lifetime. “You left me to _rot_ here. So, I’m rotting.”

“You can’t ruin your life just because you’re mad at me.”

“I’m ruining my life, because there’s nothing left to save it for!” she corrected. “I don’t have my friends, I’m barely passing by in my classes, I lost _Kara_. The old me disappeared the second I switched schools!”

Her dad stood in front with flared nostrils and a lot to say, but eventually he let out a deep breath and violently shook his head. “I’ll be talking to your mother about this. And you can be sure as day that I do _not_ approve.”

Lena stayed quiet, feeling a burning sensation in back of her eyes as she glared at the man who used to be the only family she had left. Now, he was gone too.

“You can see your way out now,” she muttered.

Her dad stopped to stare at her one last time, then just shook his head and turned around, sadly reminding her, “You were such a good kid.” He paused in the doorway, his voice filling with regret for the first time, and Lena almost thought she was going to see him cry. “I’m so sorry I let your mother ruin that.”

 

 

xx

 

 

That Friday, another unexpected visitor was at her doorstep, and it was a trend Lena was quickly realizing she didn’t like. As Alex Danvers stood on her porch, Lena stared her down, trying to remain cold despite just wanting a hug. If she wasn’t so angry, she would’ve caved.

“You come to yell at me too?” she grumbled, stepping outside to talk.

She watched as Alex scowled, her eyes getting darker, as Lena for the first time realized how scary she could be. Her and Alex had always gotten along, but seeing this protective version of her was intimidating, even to the girl who had been acting untouchable all year.

“What’s wrong with you?” she demanded an answer. “What the _hell_ is wrong with you, Lena?”

“I’ll need you to be more specific,” she tried to sound uninvested despite her pounding heart. “There’s a lot going on right now.”

“My sister has been crying two weeks straight,” Alex spat out. “And all of it is because of you.”

Lena fell silent at that, almost bursting into tears herself at the mental image of Kara crying from what she’d done, but she pulled herself together and continued not to care. “I didn’t do anything. _She’s_ the one who told on me.”

“Yeah, and you know why? Because she cares!” Alex finally lost her calm, screaming at her for the first time. “She’s the only one who gives a rat’s ass about you right now, and you’re treating her like shit!”

“She doesn’t care,” Lena argued. “If she cared, she’d mind her own business.”

“Oh, _shut up_ , Lena,” Alex spewed. “She does too care, and you know it! She’s the _only_ person trying to stop you from fucking up your whole god-damn life,” she narrated. “And you? You called her a _snitch_ for it. A goody-two-shoes. For being the one person who's trying to better you and stop this.”

Lena looked down, trying to hide her shame as she lowly proclaimed, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Like hell I don’t,” Alex spat back. “I’ve been on your side time and time again, but I swear to god, if you keep going like this, you _will_ lose us all. You’ll lose me, you’ll lose my mom, and eventually, you’ll lose Kara too. And despite your idiocy, we both know you don’t want that.”

Lena took a deep breath, emotionlessly defying, “You don’t know what I want anymore, Alex.”

The girl in front of her stared her down, looking absolutely appalled for a moment before her voice fell and she sorrowfully professed, “Well, you might be right about that.”

And just like that, she walked away.

Lena had never felt so low in her life.

 

 

xx

 

 

The next time Lena hung out with Veronica, she needed more. She needed more weed, she needed more drugs, and she desperately needed to be more reckless. Her usual escapes weren’t working anymore and she needed to turn it up further. She needed to do something that made her forget about the hellhole her life had become.

“Let’s steal a car,” she blurted out, the high, unstoppable feeling that Adderall gave her taking over.

Veronica laughed with her drink of choice in hand, shaking her head at an idea even _she_ couldn’t fathom. “You’re crazy.”

“I’m serious!” Lena exclaimed. “Let’s go! Let’s steal a car and just drive - get far, far away from National City!”

“You're nuts,” her girlfriend repeated. “That's absolutely fucking nuts.”

“Yeah? And? Let's do it, anyway,” Lena egged her on, watching as Veronica took time to think it over.

Finally, her girlfriend hesitantly offered, “My mom’s car is in the garage. Keys are on the hook.”

“Yes! Let’s go!” Lena shot up, putting the weed back in her bag and taking another ten milligrams of Adderall before they left. She loved feeling this invulnerable.

“Lena, we don’t know how to drive!”

“So? We’ll figure it out,” she shrugged off, going over to her girlfriend and tugging on her arm to pull her up. “C’mon.”

Veronica still hesitated, but in the end let out an excited laugh and gave in. “Okay, fine. Let’s go.”

Lena smiled, following her downstairs, both of them filled with the excitement that doing something they’d never done before brought. When they got the keys and entered the garage, Lena made the call. “I’m driving.”

“No way.”

“You’re drunk!”

Veronica thought it over, then tossed over the keys with a, “ _Please_ don’t wreck this car.”

“Never,” Lena grinned, sitting in the front seat. She wasn’t sure what her mirrors were supposed to show, but she didn’t care as she reversed the car and zoomed out. The feeling was exhilarating. “Oh my god, I’m driving.”

She felt a bump as she hit the mailbox, putting the car in drive, then reverse again, as she tried for a second time to make it out of the driveway.

“Oh my fucking god,” Veronica was already groaning. “My mom is gonna kill me.”

“It’s fine,” Lena shrugged, unable to care. “Okay, we’re going. We’re gonna do this.”

They both held on tight as Lena navigated down the street. At first, the car was jerky as she tried to get the hang of the pedals, but once she did, it was fine. They both laughed as Veronica kept chugging beer and Lena felt on top of the world, driving for the first time. They were having the time of their lives until they got pulled over.

Both of them were cussing, Lena quickly coming down from her high horse when the lights appeared behind her. She managed to sloppily pull over, running a curb in the process and nearly popping a tire.

The officer looked unimpressed when he arrived at the driver’s side window. “License and registration?”

Lena panicked, honestly not even knowing what _registration_ was. She just knew that she was about to be in big, big trouble.

“I forgot it at home,” she tried to lie her way through it.

The officer looked in the car, his eyes falling at the beer bottle in Veronica’s lap. “Have you girls been drinking?”

“She has! I’m sober,” Lena quickly exclaimed. “Please, just let us go.”

He looked at her more closely, squinting his eyes as he realized, “Aren’t you the Luthor’s kid?”

“No!” Lena denied a little too quickly. Her voice became desperate as she begged, “No, just - please, let us go.”

The officer looked at them both, his face softening at what Lena knew was utter fear on their faces. “How old are you, girls?” They both stayed silent, and he tried again, this time with more compassion. “You’re not in trouble. How old are you?”

“Fifteen,” Veronica volunteered the information first.

The officer looked to Lena who took a deep breath, guiltily nodding along. “I just turned fourteen.”

The man outside of the car let out a sigh, gently tapping on the door and motioning to his car. “Well, c’mon, then. Let’s get you two home in one piece.”

 

 

xx

 

 

He ended up doing a breathalyzer on them both, adding on a drug test when they reached the station. As they waited for their parents, they sat side-by-side without saying a word. Veronica’s mom came first, angrier than ever and glaring at them both, and Lena’s dad came shortly after, a much different expression on his face.

His eyes were filled with disappointment, his voice sounding defeated as he put a hand on her shoulder to sigh out, “Let’s go home, kid.”

Lena looked down, swallowing a lump in her throat at the kindness before getting up with shame and regret. They walked in silence to the car, but instead of driving, her dad just clutched the steering wheel, asking, “Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Lena finally found the strength to look at him, hoping he could see the remorse in her eyes, as tears rapidly fell and she let herself feel something for the first time in months, “I’m _so_ sorry, Dad.”

“I know,” he put a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it for comfort. “I’m sorry too.”

Lena nodded, trying to pull herself together as she felt everything coming undone. She had spent all these months trying to keep herself in tact, but all of that seemed futile as she just sat there and let it out. She didn’t know how she got there, but she missed her old life so, so much.

“Does your mom know about this?” He gently asked.

Lena shook her head, softly admitting, “I only called you.”

Her dad just sighed, and Lena didn’t know who was hurting more. “I’m going to take you home with me tonight. Is that okay?”

“Can you, please?” Lena begged. “I need you so much. I'm so sorry.”

“I know,” he gave her a comforting smile, putting a hand behind her head to hold it with reassurance. “I promise, we’ll fix this together.”

Lena’s lip still trembled, feeling nothing but guilt over how she’d been treating everyone the past year. She had been so horrible to him, yet here he was, giving her more love than ever. “I really am sorry. For everything.”

“I know,” he somberly nodded. “It’s going to be okay now. I got you.”

 

 

xx

 

 

The next day, when Lena went back to her mother’s, her dad came with, more enraged than she’d ever seen him. She led them both inside, hesitantly going upstairs to find her mother. When she did, she couldn't even look her in the eye. “Dad wants to see you. He’s downstairs.”

“Oh, God,” her mother just groaned, rolling her eyes with inconvenience as she got up. “What now?”

“I’m sorry,” Lena blurted out before she could leave the room. She looked down as Lillian stared back at her, clarifying, “I’m sorry for what he’s about to tell you.”

But what he was about to tell her was more than either of them could imagine. When her mother reached the bottom of the stairs, her dad’s voice was low, and fierce, and booming, as he announced, “I picked my daughter up from the police station last night.”

Lillian looked back at Lena with shock, sputtering out the only word she could. “ _What_?”

“She stole a car. She was arrested and the drug test showed multiple drugs in her system,” he kept narrating. “So, I want to know what the _hell_ you’re doing over here.”

“ _I’m_ doing nothing!” Her mother exclaimed the truth for what could’ve been the first time. Despite all the paraphernalia that had been out in the open in Lena’s room, her mother never did a thing. “We both know that girl has always had a mind of her own.”

“She was _not_ like this a year ago,” her dad fought. “She’s out of control.”

“And she would be if she was living with you!” Lillian burst out. “Lena has never listened to anyone. Of course she wasn’t going to start now.”

“Maybe not to you, because you’ve never listened to her, but she’s always listened to me,” her dad defied her. “Now, this good kid just got arrested, and I want to know what the hell happened to get to that point.”

“Ask her,” her mother nonchalantly shrugged.

Her dad just straightened his posture even more, jutting out his chin to proclaim, “I did. And she had a lot to say.”

“Oh, boy,” her mom gave a tired sigh. “What was it this time?”

“I told you she wouldn’t be happy at that school,” her dad accused. “I _told you_ she’d get into trouble like this. And you didn’t listen!”

“She’s throwing a temper tantrum,” her mother dismissed. “She can’t just rebel because she didn’t get her way.”

“She’s not rebelling because of that, she’s rebelling because you don't listen! You’ve _never_ listened to her!” He screamed back, making it one of the rare times he ever raised his voice. “I don’t know what you expected to happen when you just don't listen.”

“Lionel-”

“No. No, I’m done with all the _Lionels_ and _I have it handled_ s. Clearly, you don’t. And I’m not putting up with it. I’m not spending thousands of dollars a year for my daughter to become a drug addict and get a criminal record. We tried it your way, and it - _shockingly_ \- didn’t work. Now, it’s my turn,” her dad’s tone left no room for arguing. “She’s moving in with me, effective immediately. And if you do take me to court, I swear to god, Lillian, I will make you wish you hadn’t. I know I backed down before, but seeing how much you ruined this girl’s life… I will destroy you, if I have to.”

Lena watched her parents have a stare down, honestly scared for her mother. She had never seen this side of her dad before - it was a side she never would’ve imagined existed. It would’ve been terrifying if it didn’t come out to defend her.

“She’s gonna be just as bad for you,” Lillian gave in. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Her dad just laughed, shaking his head with hatred and resentment. “No. She won’t. She’s going to go back to being the good kid I raised her to be. I guarantee it.”

“Sure,” her mother rolled her eyes. When she turned to Lena to say her goodbye, it was underwhelming and emotionless as ever. “See you later, Dear.”

“Yeah,” Lena stuttered, not believing her dad had actually won. She was finally getting out of that house - out of that school. “See ya.”

 

 

xx

 

 

It didn’t take long after that for Lena and Veronica to break up. Neither of their parents were too fond of them together, and without the drugs and alcohol it became easy to see that they didn’t have too much in common.

But when they did break up, Veronica made sure to end it with a sincere proclamation. “If nothing else, I hope one day you'll be brave enough to tell Kara you love her.”

Lena looked up at her with surprise, but before she could deny it, Veronica was shaking her head to stop it.

“Don’t say anything. You don’t have to. It’s obvious,” she looked down with a sympathetic smile. “I hope I didn’t ruin things for you guys. And I hope you tell her how you feel soon.”

Lena opened her mouth to say something again, and Veronica just gave a small wave to stop her from denying it a second time.

She pursed her lips, letting out a sad smile. “You’ve always been so much better than the rest of us, Lena. You really have. And I wish you nothing but the best.”

“You too,” Lena finally found the right words to say. “Thank you for being a friend to me.”

“I wasn't a very good one,” Veronica grimaced. “I'm sorry for that.”

“It's okay,” Lena forced a smile, offering up a goodbye they both knew wasn't sincere. “Maybe I'll see you around.”

 

 

xx

 

 

As summer crept in further and going back to school got closer and closer, Lena found herself wishing she didn’t have to transfer to National City High, after all. Last year, it had been all she wanted, but now, she was too ashamed to face all her friends again. She had done so many unforgivable things, so many things she said she never would, and she wasn’t sure people would be able to look past that.

When she told her dad she didn’t want to go back, he was confused, but the reason for her resistance became crystal clear pretty quick.

“This is about Kara,” he realized aloud.

Lena looked down at the name, fumbling with her fingers as she painfully wrinkled her nose to profess, “She’s never gonna forgive me, Dad. And I can’t face her every day in school when it's like this. It’d hurt too much.”

“Sweetie, she _loves_ you,” he tried to reassure her. “She’d come back, if you’d just talk to her.”

“I can’t,” Lena immediately trembled, feeling the fear from that idea overwhelm her. “I did too many terrible things. And every time I try calling, I just hang up, because I - I was _so_ awful. To her _and_ Alex, I was terrible!”

“Yeah, but you’re a kid. It happens,” her dad promised. “Just say you’re sorry. You have to at least try. She’s been your best friend since kindergarten.”

Lena stayed quiet, then held her head in her hands, not knowing what to do. She’d been wanting to swallow her pride all summer, but she was paralyzed by the fact that Kara could turn her down.

“I’m so scared she won’t forgive me,” she admitted.

Her dad wrapped a strong around her, acknowledging the fear, but arguing, “I really think she would.”

Lena continued to stare at the carpet, deep in thought over what she was supposed to do. The past year, all she had done was push her best friend away until they weren’t even friends anymore, and now there was a very good possibility Kara had moved on.

“I love her so much, it hurts. And I can’t go to that school knowing she might hate me.”

“I know,” her dad took in that information, then stood up and grabbed his keys off the table. “So, let’s go fix it.”

 

 

xx

 

 

An hour later, after a lot of procrastinating and writing one _very_ long apologetic letter, Lena was sitting in her dad’s car, parked along the curb of Kara’s house. It took everything in her to keep going, and if her dad wasn’t there, she probably would’ve turned around and bailed. But he _was_ there, and because of that, she felt a little stronger than before.

When she rang the doorbell, Alex answered, surprised, with a wide array of emotions flowing through her face. Eventually, she settled for, “Lena.”

“Hey,” she gave a bashful smile, positive that neither of them had forgotten about their last conversation. “Is Kara home?”

“Uh - I don’t know, let me check,” she stumbled. But based on her expression, her sister was clearly there, it was just a mystery as to whether or not she’d want to see the sorry girl on their porch step.

So, before Alex could go, Lena reached out for her arm to stop her, pleading, “Please. Let Kara be home.”

Alex met her eyes for a moment, then softly nodded with a sincere nod. “I’ll try my best.”

Lena gave a sigh of relief, taking a step back and waiting on the porch step. She anxiously kept looking through the screen door, and three minutes later, Alex came back down with a nervous smile. “She’ll be right down.”

But Lena still noticed she hadn’t been invited inside. She still noticed the hostility behind the gentleness. She noticed things weren’t the same. But she waited nonetheless, taking a seat on the porch step and staring down the street where her dad was parked, wondering if she should leave then and there. Kara not forgiving her would be more than she could take.

A few minutes later, the first voice she’d ever loved was right behind her. “Hey.”

Lena turned to look at her, squinting in the sunlight and still not standing up. “Hi.”

Kara took a step closer to her, eventually moving to sit down beside her as she cut to the chase. “What are you doing here?”

Lena bit her lip, nervously announcing, “I’m here to say I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” Kara stumbled. There was a moment of silence before the question came. “For what?”

“Everything,” Lena sighed. “I wrote you this letter,” she handed her the folded up paper, “but just… everything. Pushing you away, drinking, doing drugs… and, most importantly, the way I treated you when you tried to stop me.”

“Ah,” Kara hummed, a surprising smile coming to her face. “It’s okay. I hear you were _much_ worse to Alex.”

“ _God_ ,” Lena groaned, an embarrassed smile coming to the forefront. “I know, I really was.”

Kara gave an amused smile. There was sadness in her eyes, but she did a good job trying to hide it. “She was really mad.”

“I bet,” Lena nodded. “I mean, you’re my best friend, you know? So, I kind of kept myself in check _somewhat_ with you, but with Alex… _Yikes_. Although, in my defense, she wasn’t very nice to me either.”

Kara laughed at that, smiling widely at the picture. “Yeah, I bet she wasn’t.”

“We’re talking full-on Big Sister Mode,” Lena emphasized with a shy smile. “My greeting was ‘What the hell’s wrong with you?’.”

That made Kara laugh some more, hesitantly pronouncing, “You _kind of_ deserved it, though.”

“No. I totally did,” Lena nodded along. A silence fell over them, then she let out a bitter laugh. “God, I’m such a dumbass.”

“Sometimes,” Kara nodded. “But you’re _my_ dumbass - although I don’t like using that word.”

Lena looked up with hope at that, finally asking, “Do you think you can forgive me?”

“If you stop being stupid, yeah,” her best friend huffed. “No more drinking, or drugs, or anything like that. You’re too good for it.”

“I won’t,” Lena urgently promised. “I’m done with it all. I swear.”

Kara looked her over, then bravely held out her pinky. “Pinky swear?”

“Pinky swear on my life,” Lena confirmed, linking their fingers together. “You have no idea how much I regret it all.”

“Oh, I think I do,” Kara tried her best to keep smiling. “I knew you would eventually. When you were done with the darkness, when you hit rock bottom… I knew you’d feel horrible about it soon.”

“I _do_ ,” Lena insisted. “You have no idea how much I do.”

“It’s fine,” Kara sighed. “I knew you were going through a hard time, and as much as it hurt to see, I knew I couldn’t fix it. It was just something you had to figure out on your own. It was honestly why I didn’t fight harder to keep you; it was just too hard to watch when I couldn't do anything to stop you.”

Lena pursed her lips, grateful for the sense of understanding that she wasn’t so sure she’d have if roles had been reversed. It almost seemed too easy.

“Can I hug you?” Lena timidly asked.

Kara looked over to her with pure bliss and amusement, proclaiming, “You can _always_ hug me, Lena. No matter how long we don’t talk.”

The younger girl let out a sigh of relief, rushing to wrap her arms around her best friend, to feel a feeling she’d momentarily forgotten. When they pulled apart, Kara looked towards the street, for the first time wondering about how Lena had gotten there.

“Where’s your driver?”

“Oh, my dad brought me,” Lena pointed down the street to the full-sized sedan.

That made Kara’s face light up even more, turning to Lena excitedly at the implication of what that meant. “You’re talking to him again?”

Lena mumbled her explanation sheepishly, breaking her eye contact with Kara to look away with embarrassment. “Yeah. He sorta bailed me out of jail, so...”

“ _What_?” Kara gawked. But before Lena could answer, she was changing her mind, walking down her driveway as if she was on a mission. “Never mind. We’ll just talk about it later. Right now, let’s go say ‘ _hi_ ’ to your dad. We’ve missed him.”

Lena just smiled at Kara’s eagerness, nodding along fondly in agreement. “Yeah, we really, really have.”

 

 

xx

 

 

A couple days later, Lena went back over to Kara’s, this time to hang out for an extended period of time. They sat there with wide smiles, munching on chips as Kara listened to Lena rant about how terrible N.C. Prep was, then Lena listened to Kara tell her all about what to expect from her new school next year.

The night was almost over when Lena remembered she’d wanted to talk to someone else while she was there.

“Do you know if Alex is home?” she suddenly asked, causing Kara to look up with surprise. Lena gave a heavy sigh, knowing she’d have to explain. “I should - uh - well, I should probably apologize.”

Kara bit back a laugh at Lena’s expense, nodding her head with a hint of encouragement. “Good luck with that.”

“I’ll need it,” Lena tried to smile back.

Kara nodded her head towards the room beside hers, confirming, “She’s in her room.”

“Thanks,” Lena let out an anxious sigh. Before she left the room, she turned to Kara again with nervousness. “How much does she hate me?”

“She’s… pretty mad,” Kara confessed. “Like, she’s glad we’re friends again, but she’s also really bitter.”

Lena took a deep breath, taking that in with complete understanding. If she were in Alex’s shoes, she’d be pretty mad too.

She left Kara’s room, moving down the short hallway to Alex’s, and pausing before she knocked on the door. She knew she had to apologize, but also knew not everyone was as forgiving as Kara Danvers.

When she heard Alex’s inviting, “ _Come in,_ ” through the door, Lena walked through, not missing the way the older Danvers’ face fell when she saw her.

“Oh. It’s you.”

“Hey, Alex,” she tried to play it off cool with an innocent smile and confident aura, despite the bubbling pit of anxiety inside her. “Can we talk?”

Alex just sat up on her bed, raising a challenging eyebrow as she faced her. “About?”

Lena took a second, taking a deep breath, then earnestly professed, “About how sorry I am.” She licked her lips, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear to candidly repeat, “I'm really sorry, Alex.”

“I know,” her pseudo older sister softened at the nervousness in her voice, scooting over to give her room to sit beside her. “It's just hard.”

Lena took timid steps closer, then sat down and stared at the floor. “What is?”

“Remembering you the way you were a couple months ago,” Alex murmured, her voice in a far-off place. “It broke my heart to see you like that. So cold, and apathetic, and unhappy, and just so not you - not the Lena I know. It felt like we all really lost you, you were so far gone there. And it's something I never wanna go through again.”

“You won't have to,” Lena immediately promised. “It was awful for me too.”

“Yeah,” Alex tried to smile, giving a sympathetic nod. She was quiet for a second, but looked up to make it clear that, “Kara can't go through that a second time.” Lena looked down with shame, nodding her head at the claim. “I mean, she can act like it was all fine, but it nearly killed her, Lena. She can’t go through it again.”

“I know. I didn't mean to cause that, it was just…” Lena bit her lip, for the first time explaining to someone why she did what she did. “I didn't want to bring her down with me. She's too good for it. You know?”

Alex looked her over with sympathy, then brought up, “She could've helped you out of that dark place, if you would've let her.”

“I know. But I wasn't ready,” Lena gave a sad shrug. “I was so miserable that I didn't even have it in me to let her help me. I just wanted to drown in it. I hated what my life had become.”

Alex couldn't hold eye contact upon hearing that, as she looked away to murmur, “That’s a really hard thing to hear.”

“It was a really hard place to be. I hated every second of every day,” Lena struggled to admit, not liking to think about where she'd been just a couple months ago. “I never thought I'd sink that low or had it in me to hate the world so much. I didn't think I'd ever be happy again. And I didn't want to cut you guys out because of that, but I also wasn't ready to accept help. It was like, I didn't want to be around happy people, because they just reminded me of how my life used be. You know? Of everything I'd lost.” Lena looked down, grimacing as she admitted, “Especially you and Kara.”

“Well, is that better now?” Alex asked.

Lena just smiled. “It is. I have my dad again and he's helped me get back on track the past month. I feel like I have a parent again. And I don't feel helpless, which was honestly the worst part – how I was so miserable, yet _so_ helpless. I couldn't do anything to get myself out of the situation. I felt so alone there.”

“I know,” Alex sighed. “I'm really sorry you had to go through that.”

“Me too. But I'm better now. I'm back,” she proclaimed. “I just hope you're not too mad at me.”

“I'm not. I was just worried, more than anything,” Alex finally admitted. “You scared all of us. Even my mom.”

“Yeah,” Lena looked down, her cheeks rosy and voice scared as she hesitantly asked, “Does Eliza hate me?”

“For nearly becoming an addict?” Alex found a way to laugh about it. “No. If anything, she's the reason me and Kara are so understanding about it. When it all first happened, we were so pissed, but my mom… She stood up for you. She really reframed it and explained things from your perspective - how hard it must’ve been for you. She felt terrible about it, and that made us realize how much you truly lost in the span of a few months. And then, she kinda helped us realize how it was just something you had to go through on your own. She made it clear that we couldn’t fix this one for you.” Alex relayed the surprising story. “She had a lot of sympathy, and because of that, me and Kara started seeing it differently too. We both started feeling sad instead of angry. And my mom kept the hope alive, which kinda saved us all. Even when me and Kara had nearly given up, she knew with her whole heart you'd come back. She was always in your corner, just waiting for you to knock on the door again. And when you did, she was ecstatic. I swear, there wasn’t an angry bone in her. She was so thrilled. She missed you just as much as us.”

Lena smiled at the ramble, feeling more comforted than Alex could imagine. Ever since reuniting with Kara, she’d been unable to look Eliza in the eye, only imagining how resentful she’d be. She was worried their mom wouldn't even want her and Kara to be friends anymore – and she'd understand if that were the case. Lena hadn’t been the best influence the past year.

She never would've guessed Eliza would be so understanding. She probably should’ve - compassion was always what led their whole family - but she couldn’t. 

“Your mom is a really special person,” Lena told her in awe.

“She is,” Alex whole-heartedly agreed. “She really does love you like you're her own.”

“I see that now. And I'm beyond flattered by it,” she promised. “I know I'm pretty lucky to have her in my life. All three of you. You guys… you're the family I've always wanted to be a part of.”

Alex just laughed, shaking her head with an amazement of her own as she mused, “I don't know how you can't see that you have been. For a long time, you’ve been one of us.”

Lena felt her heart lift at that, realizing for the first time that the Danvers family might care for her more than she'd ever imagined. It was amazing that she probably hadn't ruined things like she'd assumed – and she really did assume such a thing.

“All of you are amazing, Alex. You have no idea.”

“Yeah. But so are you,” Kara's big sister reminded her her. “And you have no idea either.”

 

 

xx

 

 

Lena fell more and more in love with Kara with every passing day that summer.

By the time August came again, she was in deep. Everything about Kara, she couldn't help but love. God, had she missed her. And she couldn't wait to finally spend their high school years together. Except, maybe she could've, if only she had known what was coming. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew, that was emotional. let me know your thoughts!! also remind me to update sometimes because I forget (my bad)

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: shes-cured.tumblr.com


End file.
